Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

In a marriage all money should be pooled.

Don’t give up your job, this man is financially abusive.

If this can’t be sorted - and it sounds like it can’t - your best option is to leave.

Don’t talk to him about it, don’t threaten to leave - just gather ALL financial info you can - house ownership, investments, business accounts, tax returns for both of you - photo them so he doesn’t know you have them and take them to a solicitor. They will tell you what financial deal you’ll get. He’ll be able to fake things up to a point - although if you gather info now that will help, but he owns 5 houses which is not something you can hide. Once you know where you are, you make a plan.

You have a career of your own and you can make a better life for yourself and your kids outside this marriage. It’s no model for them.

But seriously - do not talk to him about this again. Get everything sorted, and when you are ready tell him then.

In an argument, I mentioned I would divorce him and seek child maintenance and he told me his accountants would ensure that his income is much lower than it is due to self employment and loopholes. Sadly, I am not knowledgeable about these aspects of things but I don't trust his accountants and never have.

Don't let him frighten you by saying things like this op. A good divorce lawyer will get a forensic accountant onto this asap.

If he’s owned the rental properties for several years, there is a very high chance that there is equity in them even if the monthly return is not huge. That said, people I know who invested in rental properties years ago are doing very well as they bought when properties weren’t as expensive and are now benefitting from the insane rental prices.

Alongside that your marital home has a lot of equity in it, if you borrowed 800k, then your home was likely purchased for significantly more than that and your mortgage is now much reduced.

If you divorce I suspect you will be in a comfortable financial position and be able to purchase a home - possibly outright. You mention shares as well, I would be trying to get as much paperwork together as possible to evidence both his income and investments.

OP don’t quit work. Don’t quit work.

Definitely financial abuse and one of the starkest examples you see on here.

Good job you didn’t get that pre nup. I’d be looking at divorce as he isn’t going to change.

I bet when your kids are older he’d also magically expect you to pop back to where your earning potential would have been if not for kids.

It’s in the OP, “DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE”

Sorry but your husband sounds like an arse!

Firstly, having a teacher in the family will save a small fortune on childcare in the long run once they are at school! I am a teacher with 3 kids and work 3 days a week. If I went back to my previous engineering career then it would cost us a fortune in holiday clubs and wrap around child care! We would end up with far less money! Also, don't underestimate how much support kids need once they start school. I do all my planning and marking on my two days off which means I can be a better parent to the kids as I'm not so stressed.

Secondly, if your marriage is going to work, your husband needs to see your relationship as a partnership, not just his money. You need a joint account, work out your family outgoings (mortgage, bills, food, clubs, childcare etc...), add 10%, then this amount should be paid as a percentage of your take home pay with both of you having roughly the same amount left over. My DH takes home twice what I do, so he pays about 70% of the money going into the joint account, and me 30%. He has more left over than I do, but his hobbies are far more expensive than mine so fair enough!

Thirdly, you need to speak to your husband and make it clear what needs to change, and also make it clear that if he is not willing to do this, then you want a divorce.

WTAF did I just read?
He is abusing you financially.
Do not quit work.
See a lawyer.
Get a divorce.

And if he's threatening to hide money in the advent of a divorce I'd bet there is some shady dealings already going on

Get hold of copies of all financial statements, pay records, tax returns etc - if he is going to try and hide income in the event of a divorce, you need the evidence

Is he salaried or self-employed?

@Testina but 150k a yr is approx 90k take home before a pension so it would take some years to raise 400k. The OP says it's only been s struggle since they had a 3rd dc who is only 6 months old. I don't think the husband is financially struggling at all he's just selfish

This!

Get a lawyer & LTB

Not sure you will get what you want with a divorce. I bet his income will suddenly be <£16K a year so he won't have to pay you anything. I doubt all his income goes through the books and paying the correct amount of TAX. You will put claims in, they will get denied. No one will even investigate. Seen it so many times.

Be careful. Do not mention divorce. He could absolutely shaft you particularly with a self-employed status.

My advice would be for you to forensically collect all financial information. Get copies of paperwork, accounts, banking, HMRC documents and everything to do with his companies. Get copies of land registry documents. Seek legal advice without making any mention to him of what you are doing.

One you are in possession of all the facts, you will be in a better position to think about your future.

He is clearly a highly-controlling man. You have sacrificed your career, and your financial stability, in order to facilitate his life plans.

What you are experiencing now is financial abuse. Marriage is supposed to be about teamwork and shared finances.

You need to think about your future, including your financial stability and pension provision.

Have a good long hard think about what you want. Is he likely to change his ways when faced with an ultimatum? Do you both want to make a success of your marriage, or is it always going to be him "in charge" and acting like the boss? Do you think marriage counselling might help?

Ending a marriage is a big step, but sometimes it's the only option. Only you will know the answer.

Just don't assume that because your DH "owns" 4 properties, that it's a bed of roses and he's raking in loads of money.

I'm not assuming that although I would question why someone would leverage themselves so much, either way he could sell a property & reduce his struggle

From earning £150k a year and renting out for other properties, would be my guess!

@Createausername1970 but he also has S&S & has managed to pay off almost 400k of their own home. Something doesn't add up & clearly the op is in the dark

Financially, I will be better off with a divorce

Im not sure you will. If he gives you half of any equity and savings, unless that buys you a house outright where you are, will you be able to get a mortgage on a part time wage and can you afford to pay it as well. He’ll probably stop paying any nursery fees and just give you the basic CMS each month-will that even cover the £1600 childcare bill let alone bills/food.

Struggling? Just stop it!
Spectacularly irresponsible and shit with money imo.
You can't stand up to him in the relationship so thinking of divorce? Flabbergasted.

So he wants you to be a SAHM and simultaneously earn more. It’s Schrödinger’s financial abuse. Have a LTB on me.

Honestly, money is not his and hers when you are married. If owning multiple properties is making a high income earner short of cash then those investments have gone bad and he needs to do whatever is necessary to sort that out. Re the house, it’s the family home.

Our mortgage was originally £800,000 but £435,000 is left (DH has overpaid the mortgage multiple times).

Where did he get that money from?

Keep your job, get rid of the husband...

Seriously you need to speak to a solicitor and work out what you will be entitled to.

If he has 5 properties he is paying mortgages on, then I can see it. His mortgage costs may be £5k per month more now than they were last year. Doesn't make his attitude right though.