Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

So you must have known what his attitude to money was and yet not only did you marry him but you had 3 children with him. Absolutely crazy.

Totally agree.

I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc)

WTAF? They are his children, he should be paying an equal share for them at least, although in this situation actually should be a bigger share as he has more income, especially as you’ve given up some of yours to grow/birth/care for HIS children.
Although I actually don’t understand ‘his money /my money’. If you’re a family unit it should be OUR money and decisions should be based on joint income.
As for wanting you to keep three very young children quiet while he works - totally unreasonable. He needs to either pay for childcare or pay for an office somewhere other than where his children are living their lives.

You're supposed to be a family. all money into one pot, all expenses out of it.
Start climbing the career ladder as you'll need the income when you're a single parent........

Before seeking a divorce or talking to him further about divorce, get as many details about his finances, houses, businesses etc as you can, it will take time for him to move money etc about, so this gives you a start.

Then find a good divorce solicitor. It may be that you may also need a forensic accountant, but your solicitor should be able to advise. In many cases, solicitor's fees can be deferred, at least partly, until the divorce and settlement are completed.

I wouldn’t count on being better off if you split up- many men get out of paying especially if there’s self employment in the mix. Are the properties mortgaged?
your childcare costs are high for the 3 year old, don’t they all get 15/ 30 funded hours? Personally if you’re on maternity leave I think having both in 3 days a week at a cost of 1.6k a month is ludicrous and a luxury you can’t afford. The eldest could just take the free preschool hours. I wouldn’t give up your job but I also think that you’re being unreasonable expecting the eldest 2 to be in nursery 3 days a week at that cost.

100% this.

He sounds horrible!

If you split you'll get a share of the four properties plus he has to pay maintenance. No brainer, surely!

'Culture' is an excuse.

Is it normal for men of his culture to behave like this?

You don't have to agree to it.

Be interesting to see how he reacts if he has to share his assets 50-50 if your divorce him.

One big pot- all income going in.
Each with equal, unfettered access, with both keeping an eye on spending and both agreeing on larger spends but smaller spends not needing to be discussed but also not hidden.
Anything else in a marriage is just odd.
Maybe I'm being naive, but it's worked perfectly for us.

Op, if he continues to focus on money over family life then divorce maybe the only way to get a better balance however beforehand is there anyone in his family that would talk sense into him?

3 children is unbelievably hard and he seems lacking in empathy & compassion.

Do you know if he is comparing your income to someone else? I tend to get suspicious when a husband suddenly starts complaining about their wife

You're being financially abused.

Seeks legal advice. Perhaps some of those rental homes could be yours, along with a hefty settlement.

As others have said, for gods sake do not give up your job.

He will leave you with no money, you'll have to "ask" for money and he will the the decision maker on every single thing.

Big red flags here OP.

It's all very well saying OP is married and all money should be pooled but if the H won't pool it how is she supposed to "make him". In any case the legal position is that DURING a marriage the two partners can have joint or separate finances as they wish. It is only in DIVORCE that the law considers the finances as a whole.

I agree it's wholly unfair. The options seem to be;):

1. Divorce him, you should get a good chunk of equity, hopefully more than 50%. It's complicated that he owned the properties before marriage but helps that you now have 3 kids who you will (I assume) be the RP for. His self employed status makes child maintenance iffy though so you might need to resign yourself to welfare benefits top ups to get by.
2. Stop paying your "share" of the mortgage and bills. Would that enable you to cover nursery fees? Whatever you do, don't give up work.
3. Call his bluff (risky but I think it would work here as he won't want to be responsible for the children). Tell him you'll take them out of nursery but you will leave leaving them at home with him while you're at work. He'll object but tell him he's left you with no option so tough. If he rants and raves say OK marriage over, you will leave but the children will have to stay with him as you can't afford to support them alone and he can't force you to take them. Start packing. I bet he will back pedal so fast it will cause smoke!

This

Absolutely do not give up work and become a SAHM. The most important thing is that you retain some financial independence and a foothold in the workplace.

(I'm shocked that you use grandparents for unpaid childcare with the income and assets your family has though)

I can't actually work out how he thinks this would work better financially? He would have to cover absolutely everything for you him and the kids and all of the mortgage. How does this make financial sense? Plus once your kids are out of childcare and in school you can build up work hours again/save more due to no childcare. Do not give up work!

I agree with others. Don’t say any more about splitting up for now. Talk to him about the financial position. Gather as much evidence as you can, photograph documents, write down what he says and email it to yourself. Get the information so if you do reach the point where divorce is the only option you can challenge him on the finances with factual information.

OP might not have access to the family money.

He needs to be reminded that the children are 50% his, and to pay up accordingly.

The word “textbook” really.

This.
Youre struggling. As in just you. He isn’t. He’s the one making you struggle.

This is true. A lot of people think that any marriage means automatic entitlement to 50% of everything but it's not as simple as that, particularly with properties owned pre-marriage that were never the marital home. However it still sounds like the OP would be better off divorcing and receiving half of whatever assets are in the 'marital pot' than living how she is now with this hideous man.

You say you WERE financially secure before deciding to have baby number 3 but now you’re not and baby is only 6 months old? What specifically has happened to make your DH’s finances (but actually your family finances) so unstable now that he’s refusing to pay childcare for your children? My DH and I earn pretty much the same as you, but I’ll be honest and say it sounds like you’re very over extended as a family given the current economic climate. The nursery bills and mortgage will be a huge chunk, plus your DH will pay high taxes due to his income. As you say, no tax free childcare and no child benefit as it all has to be paid back. Don’t leave you job but you really need to consider your finances here and whether you want to stay married because your DH sounds to be controlling the ship but steering you all into a storm.

Ahh OP I'm so sorry to read all of this. It's clear financial abuse. He wants the little wife at home looking after his kids (and him) but not to pay for what that costs. I hate to say it but he sees you as a cleaner/nanny/domestic help from what you've said, he is not a partner in any real sense. He doesn't have your back, he has no respect for you.

I very very rarely say this but please, leave him. I would not be surprised if he hadn't squirrelled away some money you don't even know about. Get a lawyer and as PPs have said gather as much financial information as you can. I am pretty sure you would be better off single/divorced with your rightful share of the marital assets plus CMS. Plus far happier.