Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

I think the OP ought to find out more and start following advice from a solicitor now before it gets really messy. It may help if they were to contact a Debt Relief Charity re a DMP or an IVA for themself - let the husband do the same for himself. An IVA freezes all interest on debts, but if regular payments are missed frequently, then an IVA will fail. The Insolvency Service (in charge of the IVA Company) would make him sell some of the properties to pay off the debts before a Bankruptcy is agreed in Court. Bankruptcy is the absolute last option. Depending on what the debts are amount-wise, he ought to just cut his losses and sell two of the five properties and any unnecessary assets.

How dare he put the OP through this stress whilst they are on maternity leave!

I agree.

My ex-hubby tried to get me to do the same, but I refused to do so citing that I had worked hard to get the job I wanted. I also told him that I would only work as a part-time taxi operator (for him) at weekends and around my main job. I wanted my independence from him on a financial basis because he was not good with money. He would spend whereas I would plan finances and try to save.

And yes, he lied about the money he really earnt by hiding notes in odd DVD and CD cases - that was until I came across the hidden money by chance one day.

Get a divorce. Yes, he will turn nasty. (He already is nasty but nastier). So be prepared. Go to a solicitor and get all your ducks in a row. Find out exactly where you will stand financially re assets and debts. Tell your parents what’s been going on. You say you suspect he has mortgages on the properties. You don’t know? Is your name on those mortgages as well?
I suspect that despite your depiction of him as a big earner, he is in fact in financial trouble, he has mucked up his business and he is in serious debt. If this is the case, regardless of any other issues, you’d be better off divorced. Good luck. Do not give up work

I be if you looked at MrMoneygrabbers tax return he has enough for you to work . I am wondering if ‘I am skint’ means I can’t put as much into savings as I used to.

Do your parents know the situation?

He could sell the houses and use the equity to pay down the residential mortgage if he is struggling ( which I doubt he is). His excuse is no doubt ‘a bad time to sell’ ir ‘I have penalties’ really his concern is capital growth.

Tell him work are talking about a promotion with a payrise when you are full time. Show him deputy and head salaries saying you could use a promotion to get a larger salary - and use this time to get your ducks in a row until the kids are in school.

@Siatanaas the OP isn't 'looking after someone else's kids.' She's a teacher. She has skills, qualifications and a profession teaching other people's children. A career where she can progress. The intellectual stimulation and social aspect of working. Earning her own money. Having her own pension (and actually the teachers pension is one of the best around.

Obviously it's an alien concept to you but many mums go to work for all sorts of reasons and guess what- their children are just as happy and well adjusted as children of SAHM are.

100%

His behaviour is very telling. Please listen to what he's telling you.

Do not give up your job.

@Siatanaas

Of course It should be her choice. I’m just saying that this situation is a reason to negotiate terms that would satisfy her and her husband and not get a divorce

She appears to be trying to negotiate. And it depends how that goes.

What does she do if the negotiations get nowhere? It is wise for her to consider the possibilities.

I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

This was only true because you were looking at your salary as the only one for the purposes of childcare. Childcare is for the benefit of both of you and it certainly wasn't too much for 5 days nursery out of a combined salary of 200k. The completely skewered financial thinking started here with your first child.

You will end up shafted here - no career, no income. Do you honestly think a man who earns what your husband does and refuses to pay for childcare will be fair with you on money if you are not earning? He will not.

You need to hammer this out now but I strongly strongly advise you not to give up your job. In fact I would go fulltime if I could. Only you can decide if this marriage is worth saving - we are seeing one aspect of it only. But financial abuse is a big aspect.

Who takes of the house and children when you come home and need some rest? Your husband? An au pair?
Frankly not all of us find working 24/7 so enticing

Not sure if this is an actual question? Thankfully I don't work 24 hours of the day and neither does my husband. I don't need 'rest' as I thankfully don't have a manual job. We take equal care of the kids and the house when we're not at work. No cleaner, no au pair. I think that's what happens in a lot of houses.

I value my financial freedom more than not having to put the kids in wrap around care.

Of course It should be her choice. I’m just saying that this situation is a reason to negotiate terms that would satisfy her and her husband and not get a divorce. If people chose to be together they should dk everything possible to stay together not get a divorce every time things get unpleasant or complicated.

If the husband doesn’t want to take care of the kids, who’s gonna take care of them in the evening lets say if they both work.
It’s just an extra job for the wife in this case.

@Siatanaas

She’s putting herself in a situation where she’s struggling financially, he offering her food and a home and everything she needs to raise their children stress free. And he’s the bad guy?

She isn’t putting herself in this situation. He is putting her in it by refusing to contribute to childcare costs so she can work (although I see he’s since transferred some money for that) while simultaneously demanding she stay at home, AND earn more.

Offering everything she needs to raise their children stress free….. except it isn’t clear that he is! Would she have access to money, if she did stay at home? It’s not at all clear that she would, based on what he has said until now. Therefore, OP would be taking a massive risk to do this.

Why would you wanna sell something you own to pay someone else to take care of your kids while your wife is going to take care of someone else’s kids. That’s ridiculous. You can do it yourself and keep money in the family.

He doesn’t want it to do it (take care of his kids) himself. He wants his wife to do it - when he’s not telling her to get a better paying job. And crucially - she hadn’t intended to stay home, she had intended to go back to work. You might not think that’s a good idea, perhaps you would make a different choice - but it’s her choice.

Ideally it is a choice that she and her husband make together, having looked at their financial situation as a whole and discussed what they both want. But from what OP has said, it looks like he is forging ahead trying to make the decisions, without thinking about what OP wants. He’s also apparently not spending much time with his family, so focussed is he on making money.

I agree that you have posted too much identifying information, OP.

I thought mine was a good 'un when we married. We were both working when we married. In his case the financial abuse came later, in the form of him not working, or being self-employed for peanuts. In my head, I made excuse after excuse for him, and convinced myself even into my 50's that he would somehow come good. A tragic case of a naive woman who kept hoping for the better, and only realised after decades and 2 DC, that I was deluded, and the man I married had never been the man I thought he was.

Two things:
I know you said you didn't want to be identifiable, but lots of what you've put in your last post would make him (& you) identifiable. Location, work CCGs, when & where he's worked, when he's left posts etc. If this was in my area I'd definitely be able to pinpoint a person from this. Please think about editing & being more obscure in sharing your content.
Stop accepting drip feeds. I think you're tying yourself up in knots in trying to get snippets of information & considering his point of view in things. My observation (& experience) is that those who financially abuse & control the family money only give slivers of information that the choose to share. Stop getting embroiled in this, it's exhausting & gets you nowhere. Ask for a half day to sit down with the entirety of the financial affairs - the Ltd company accounts, his annual salary, outgoings, rental incomes, expenditure on new ventures, mortgage & %rates, savings accounts, utilities. The lot. No question. All.
If he won't share the lot so you can make joint decisions then why does he think he can make decisions on your career. If you're so involved with his emails & checking his thinking on mundane stuff, then I wonder why he's not doing it with the matter of money that's very important to him.
No sharing = no partnership.
If he doesn't then that tells you something. The rapid transfer of enough money to shut you up about nursery would be a red flag for me.

You are in a highly abusive relationship with a toxic man.

That he is a doctor is disturbing.

Do NOT give up your career and salary.

Your relationship is unlikely to last as his behaviour is unlikely to improve.

Protect yourself.

Don't leave your job, don't take kids out of nursery

He has overextended himself - he can sell a property.

@Siatanaas nothing wrong with being a SAHM and fully looked after and provided for 'if' it's in good spirit , jointly decided on and full access to family money etc- but that isn't what's happening here. She has little money after her contributions, has no idea of where the family income is going and it appears he's in over his head on all these BTLs- she has every right to know where this not insubstantial income is going. That's what marriage is- a partnership- otherwise don't get married, don't have a family. Also appears that on one hand he wants her to earn more and on the other hand stay at home- this is a very unrealistic and greedy man , not open, not transparent and to be frank not worthy of love or respect - as he offers neither. The OP told me on a previous response he was under pressure from family and cultural expectations - it's clear he is money obsessed , has big ideas, probably an ego a mile wide and doesn't get that if you are struggling you sell a couple of your houses, you don't put money into new businesses and you don't overpay your mortgage at that time.

Who takes of the house and children when you come home and need some rest? Your husband? An au pair?
Frankly not all of us find working 24/7 so enticing.

Being capable and taking on responsibilities/work if you don’t have to - different things

Financial independence is when you don’t have to work for someone. This just changes who she’s dependent on and only makes sense if you’re actually in the middle of building a successful career. And how many of us can say they’ve done that (men and women)? Most people are just average.

Dad’s could stop working and some of them do.
Helpless men? So who’s taking care of the home and kids after work then?

In this case it’s literally paying someone loads of money to look after your kids while she’s gonna look after someone else’s kids. Which makes no sense whatsoever. So the husband is absolutely adequate.

Children with working parents grow up and put their parents in care homes and visit them for Christmas.

And other husbands when being told to be for no good reason give the ex wife all their property with no questions asked.

She’s putting herself in a situation where she’s struggling financially, he offering her food and a home and everything she needs to raise their children stress free. And he’s the bad guy?

Why would you wanna sell something you own to pay someone else to take care of your kids while your wife is going to take care of someone else’s kids. That’s ridiculous. You can do it yourself and keep money in the family.

As for her savings and the house, she had her 25% and if he pays the mortgage, wouldn’t she get more in a few years if her share stays the same and he repays mortgage on her behalf?
That is if she didn’t just give him the money and let him be the official owner 100%.

The pension part is reasonable. So she can ask for that instead of a divorce.

If he is in any way abusive that’s a completely different story, but there’s nothing to in the story to suggest he is.

Apart from the bit where he said that if she divorced him he would get his accountant to hide his income so he wouldn’t have to pay child maintenance… the bit where he refuses to sell one of his 5 houses or any investments so that his wife no longer struggles to meet all the costs of their 3 children out of her maternity pay.…. his wife, who put all her savings into the deposit for their house so she has none, while he still does…. his wife, who, if she gave up work to stay at home would stop accruing pension rights.

I mean, yeah - if he made all his bank accounts joint, so that she could see how much money there was, and spend it as needed, and pay into a private pension in her name, then fine. But given his past conduct, that seems very unlikely.

'Why not stay home and take care of the children while your husband allows that. Why pay for day car and let strangers spend time with your kids if you have the opportunity to give them your love while being fresh and not stressed out at work. You can always go back to work later on. Why be in a hurry with the divorce, you can divorced later after spending some quality time with your children.
As for the 75/25 mortgage, do you own the 25% officially? If so will he continue paying on your behalf? If you carry on staying with children and he pays the mortgage and supports filly supports you, I do not see how that could be an issue or a reason for divorce'

Why not?

Well....
-because women are just as capable as men in the workplace
-because working gives financial independence, better long term security
-because no one ever assumes dad should stop working even though men are just as able to look after kids and home (though if they're the sexist type they'll act helpless!)
-because no one ever actually gets strangers to look after their children. It's just a pejorative phrase used on Mumsnet
-because children with working parents grow up just as happy and fully rounded as children of SAHP

Have you just turned up from the 1950s? Dear God woman. You think the OP should be grateful and stay at home as her husband is allowing her to? Crikey I must be your absolute worst nightmare - I work full time, manage all the household finances and, wait for it, kids were both in nursery being looked after by strangers from an early age.
Being a SAHM is a valid choice but the OP is having her choice to work invalidated by financial threats from her husband. You might want to read the post again.

This. it’s so odd when people do this within marriage .

Women should never accept this set up while having multiple children by their husband, because inevitably the women’s salary takes the hit or they are expected to be financially dependent on their husband while not having access to a joint account. I always say a generous poor man is better than a rich miserly man.

Well if someone wants to live their life coming from work to work (taking care of children) it their choice. Once again if it’s their CHOICE that’s the only thing that matters.

Just a shame that men are pushed to this by women and then we have posts like “he wants me to monzo him money for my coffee” or “DH wouldn’t financially contribute to this or that”

And some of us have to live with the consequences

I would personally never have a child with a men who l’s not ready to fully support me afterwards unless we get a surrogate and then do everything around the house and child care 50/50. But that feels more like a business arrangement than a relationship which actually involves any feelings.