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AIBU?

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Original poster

Expecting my husband to contribute more financially?

215 replies

Defeatedmum · 03/09/2023 10:01

DH and I got married 6 years ago and now have 3 children (3.5, 2.5 and 0.5yrs). DH has always had a well-paid job, earning approx 150k a year through self employment and PAYE. I was paid 41K a year before having children, after which I went to part time and my salary changed to 24.5k (monthly income after tax/pension is £1,600). The 3 days I work, are the 3 days my children are at nursery. I couldn't go back full time as the cost of childcare was too much for 5 days nursery.

DH and I had bought a house after our 1st child and all my savings were used. I contributed 25% and he 75% to the total. DH was aware that I could not pay more than 25% of the mortgage and it was agreed he would cover 75%, especially as the mortgage was based on my full time salary and I was now part time. DH also pays for all bills whilst I'm on maternity but I pay for all the children's needs (food, clothes, belongings etc). DH has historically paid 75% for nursery fees and myself 25%.

DH is very money minded and has 4 properties which he rents out. He has now started a new business and now, with risings costs of mortgages, bills, building work, general living etc we are financially struggling. I am still on maternity leave and have little to no savings due to 3 back to back pregnancies. Financially we were very secure before having our 3rd so at the time, the decision to have a 3rd was okay.

DH is now refusing to pay for nursery for two of the girls (the youngest and will be looked after by my parents till she's 2, which my parents kindly did the same for my elder 2 to save on childcare costs for me). The current fees are £980/month for the 2.5 year old and £620/month for the eldest. We don't qualify for tax free childcare as my husband earns above the threshold.

DH is demanding that I quit my job and be a stay at home mum to look after the children. I will not be able to work part time and afford nursery based on my salary alone. AIBU to want to keep my job so that I also have a source of income? AIBU to expect my husband to pay for nursery considering his salary compared to mine, especially considering I am only earning statutory maternity pay?

OP posts:
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KenAdams · 25/04/2024 21:22

OhcantthInkofaname · 25/04/2024 21:05

Have you told your parents what he is suggesting? Since they are actively involved in providing child care for your children they should know your family circumstances and the pressure he's putting you under.
Do not give up your job. And make sure you prevent any more pregnancies.

Why did you resurrect this post from September?

OhcantthInkofaname · 25/04/2024 21:05

Have you told your parents what he is suggesting? Since they are actively involved in providing child care for your children they should know your family circumstances and the pressure he's putting you under.
Do not give up your job. And make sure you prevent any more pregnancies.

vickylou78 · 05/09/2023 11:10

Do not give up your job. Think of the long plan.... Childcare costs are very temporary and it's normal to have one salary eaten up by the cost. But you are a couple so all costs for childcare are a family cost.

You keeping working, keeps your career going, promotions opportunity etc. Giving up work has huge tax and NI implications which impacts on your pension pot.

And looking at the sums the family income won't be any better off if you give up work as although you won't be paying childcare the family budget will lose your £1600 take home pay. So instead of paying childcare he will have to pay you... But he maybe wouldn't do that so you will end up being the poor one!

Say you'll give up your job if he 1. Pays you £1600 a month
Pays into your pension
Pays your NI shortfall

Skodacool · 05/09/2023 07:35

MadamWhiteleigh · 03/09/2023 10:18

Yet another couple who don’t seem to understand what marriage actually is. Everything is shared between you - salary, properties, savings. There is no ‘my money, your money’.

You should be looking at your joint income and your joint outgoings, not which you can afford what.

This

Skodacool · 05/09/2023 07:31

PinkRoses1245 · 03/09/2023 10:04

(head in hands) sorry but how have you got to this point. When married with kids all income should be pooled. And I’m begging you not to become a stay at home in that scenario. He’s being utterly selfish. Does he not realise they are his offspring as much as yours.

This was my first thought. Family income is just that

TheWayoftheLeaf · 04/09/2023 23:20

If he expects you to give up work then the only valid way to do that is for you to have full and complete access to all of his money. That's how that works.

Blueink · 04/09/2023 22:00

this was in response to @Scatterbrainbox

Blueink · 04/09/2023 21:57

Well said 👏

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 04/09/2023 21:25

He sounds like a selfish pig.

Id find a decent lawyer for myself and find out what’s what and what you can do.

i also wouldn’t listen to stuff he says as he could be trying to manipulate and scare you in to staying

Blueink · 04/09/2023 20:59

This seems an extremely difficult situation, sorry OP. You are right to stand your ground.

You explained your 3rd DC was planned and everything was ok before. It seems it was ill advised to start a new business concurrent to arrival of baby number 3.

I’m interested in how much logistical discussion took place about each of these decisions and what the expectations were for each of you?

I cannot understand why you are having to pay almost everything for the children, their food, clothes etc. This is is absolutely ridiculous OP.

You explained your amazing family support, thank goodness for them.

He is entirely unreasonable and being coercive/controlling.

Suggest you start quietly collecting information about the financial side of things, photograph documents etc and seek independent legal advice, including about potential loop holes.

Perhaps a family member could loan you the money if you can count on them to be discrete and protect your interests.

All the best OP, keep us posted on how you are getting on.

AhNowTed · 04/09/2023 20:54

@Scatterbrainbox

I missed that one.

If only my mother, trapped in an abusive relationship with no money and 5 kids had just "stood up to him" eh.

Scatterbrainbox · 04/09/2023 20:49

Zipps · 03/09/2023 11:20

Struggling? Just stop it!
Spectacularly irresponsible and shit with money imo.
You can't stand up to him in the relationship so thinking of divorce? Flabbergasted.

Ahhh... abused women everywhere... just stand up to your abuser. That's all it takes apparently...
And stop being so financially irresponsible..spending all your money on childcare and caring for your kids....
Christ on a bike!

Mommytomylittlestars · 04/09/2023 20:47

OP you really need to speak to a family lawyer. Are you able to record him telling you if you file for divorce he will make his accountants show he earns very little & refuse to pay? The fact that he even thought of a pre-nup (not as water tight in UK laws from what I have read) suggests he owns considerable equity in those properties he owns “.
He sounds toxic - do you really think you have a future with someone who treats you like this ? He seems smug & sure you won’t actually divorce him as he has taken your financial independence away.
Sounds like you have parents who can support you if you decided that divorce was the right thing here. You mentioned your culture is different- have you discussed possibility of separation with your parents & gauged how they will react- as understand in some cultures parents can be very against their daughter’s divorcing (I come from Asian culture)
You have a good job & once you get through these early years of childcare costs & once all kids are in school it will get easier for you financially- so do have a good think & take some proper legal advise.

Scatterbrainbox · 04/09/2023 20:46

Viviennemary · 03/09/2023 14:51

Up to you both to sort it out. This is the trouble when you become over reliant on a partner's large salary.

I think you mean...This is the trouble when you become over-reliant on your partner's child care, cooking, cleaning and using her meagre salary to cover your children's essentials.

Scatterbrainbox · 04/09/2023 20:41

RubyTrees · 03/09/2023 10:53

Everyday there is one of these posts. Why do women marry such selfish arseholes.

And go on to have several children with them.

Misogynistic bullshit... her fault for not having a crystal ball about his future behaviour, not his for being financially abusive.

Scatterbrainbox · 04/09/2023 20:40

MadamWhiteleigh · 03/09/2023 10:18

Yet another couple who don’t seem to understand what marriage actually is. Everything is shared between you - salary, properties, savings. There is no ‘my money, your money’.

You should be looking at your joint income and your joint outgoings, not which you can afford what.

Yet another poster who doesn't understand what financial abuse is...
How fucking patronising!

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 04/09/2023 20:28

Honestly I'd consider the future of the relationship because he is financially abusive. You might not end up much better off if he fiddles books, has mortgages etc but you'll be free of him.

Your trump card may be that he works from home. I'd be tempted to tell him you will be working and that's that. He can choose to pay for the nursery as previously agreed or when you leave for work he'll be the one in the house with the three young kids to look after.

Relationship needs to end, but its up to you if you want to stick it out a bit longer until more equity in the houses and children are in school so childcare bills are less.

Thelonelygiraffe · 04/09/2023 20:20

Your h earns150k per annum and he has four rental properties, yet you're struggling for money???

Wtaf???

And he's a complete selfish bellend. The dc are his too and if you are working p/t he should be making up the shortfall.

How on earth did you get to this???

FedUpWithEverything123 · 04/09/2023 20:00

He doesn't seem to view you as a human being, let alone as a wife and life partner; nor does he seem to think he has any responsibility for his own kids. He is financially abusing you, and your parents. Disgusting

What an absolute scumbag. LTB asap

Vinomummyinlockdown · 04/09/2023 19:59

I’m literally starting to hate all men. OP don’t give up your work and tbh LTB. It won’t get better.

AhNowTed · 04/09/2023 19:43

Back after a day at work, but I can't let this go.

@Siatanaas
Can you quit with the "he's providing a home so suck it up" mantra.

That is seriously a bloody insult.

You've said you don't work or don't like work, and that's totally fine, but don't assume all women are prepared to put up with being subservient, and kowtowing to the "head of the house", in order to lead a guided cage "comfortable life".

It's not the 50's anymore.

NO WOMAN I KNOW WANTS THAT.

toxic44 · 04/09/2023 19:13

Money is his god, isn't it? And everything, including you, goes on the altar. Leave him to his worship and divorce him before there is another child.

Annemaria · 04/09/2023 19:11

I sympathise because my husband is a tight wad too. He is not respecting you and will only get worse. I should have divorced my husband years ago. Before I started working and earning my own money after my children were born I used to have to beg him for money for essentials, such as shoes for our children. Meanwhile he was squirrelling away thousands in his own name ( he would not allow a joint account). Ditch him is my advice.

Butchyrestingface · 04/09/2023 18:57

On the bright side, at least you put a ring on it, so hopefully you can take this prick to the cleaners when you divorce.

Surely in more traditional cultures (such as where the grandparents role is to mind the children), it's also the case that it's the FATHER'S role to care for the family, including the wife?

Nn9011 · 04/09/2023 18:52

Before you do anything spend the next few months getting copies of all the bank statements you can, copies of all the properties he owns, every single thing you can think of you find a way to get a copy of it without him noticing - even if it's just pictures on your phone. Do NOT warn him about the divorce or change you behavior.
If you can get evidence of income etc now he'd have to prove how his income has significantly changed to the court. You may still need to hire a forensic accountant but this will limit the likelihood.