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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

337 replies

Thehonestbadger · 02/09/2023 17:29

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

OP posts:
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Yamaya · 02/09/2023 19:18

Grapewrath · 02/09/2023 19:15

Perhaps you wouldn’t but your difficulties and challenges are not the same- what benefit do you feel your judgement holds for the OP?

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She asked am I being unreasonable. I think she is. I sympathise, but I don't condone dwelling on these feelings as they are very unhealthy.

Grapewrath · 02/09/2023 19:18

I completely recognise that there are incredible FCs who look after disabled kids but they are few and far between and much sought after.
if the OP did decide to place her child in care then it’s likely that placing him with a family who could meet his needs would be a long and winding road. It’s not as easy as ‘get him adopted’.

MrsSchrute · 02/09/2023 19:18

flapjackfairy · 02/09/2023 19:15

@MrsSchrute
Bloody hell not all foster carers are the same you know. Stop tarring us all with the same brush. I have an autistic foster child and recognise the stresses the op is under but our lad is loved and cared for to the v best of our ability. He has been with us all his life and we all adore him despite the challenges he brings.

I would never suggest all foster carers are the same, at all. Many of my friends foster and they are fantastic, I have no doubt that you are as well.
However, there is no guarantee that the OPs son would come to a family like yours.

purplebluediscorain · 02/09/2023 19:16

I think some parents have felt like this even without the additional needs child! You’re not alone in that, I really feel for you. My niece is 4 and non verbal and is constantly on high alert. Can’t leave the bathroom door open if you do all the stuff will be opened and poured.. etc it’s hard work!! And I take my hat off to you for doing such a good job OP.

you can tell you’re a great mum even with all the struggles you face and you’re doing the best that you can. I wish I had the perfect answer to you. I do know childrens services aren’t the best people but they’ve been involved with my sister now and have offered to take the child out for a few hours but my sister declined. There is support out there but it is scary.

i hope you find peace and strength again and i truly wish I could help. It’s no good sayinf it’ll get easier because it will hopefully one day but nobody can say when!

im sending you the biggest hug in the world!

Grapewrath · 02/09/2023 19:15

Yamaya · 02/09/2023 19:14

Believe whatever you want.
There's no way I would ever talk about my son like this. He is extra vulnerable, and needs more love and support. Not further rejection from the one person you are supposed to be able to rely on. It's very sad. That's why I suggested getting more help.

I think the worse ones are people suggesting adoption. What the hell

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Perhaps you wouldn’t but your difficulties and challenges are not the same- what benefit do you feel your judgement holds for the OP?

flapjackfairy · 02/09/2023 19:15

@MrsSchrute
Bloody hell not all foster carers are the same you know. Stop tarring us all with the same brush. I have an autistic foster child and recognise the stresses the op is under but our lad is loved and cared for to the v best of our ability. He has been with us all his life and we all adore him despite the challenges he brings.

Yamaya · 02/09/2023 19:14

Grapewrath · 02/09/2023 19:11

Course you have. I bet you face all of the same struggles as the op too 🙄

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Believe whatever you want.
There's no way I would ever talk about my son like this. He is extra vulnerable, and needs more love and support. Not further rejection from the one person you are supposed to be able to rely on. It's very sad. That's why I suggested getting more help.

I think the worse ones are people suggesting adoption. What the hell

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 19:13

MrsSchrute · 02/09/2023 19:08

This.

I know an adult with ASD who was raised by foster carers. He has had the most horrific life of anyone I know, abused and taken advantage of all his life. He lives in supported living accommodation with drug dealers and prostitutes working from the house, surviving by using food banks as they take his money, and he is too vulnerable to understand what is going on.
Putting a child with ASD in foster care is just not an option. You leave them totally unprotected, with noone to advocate for them.
Don't be fooled, this is not in the child's best interest.

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And what of OP and her daughter’s quality of life?

Again, it is an option. It may not be one for you, but it is one for others. Whether it’s one that OP would consider is something only she can decide for herself.

Genevie82 · 02/09/2023 19:13

OP, your situation is really exhausting and I can see you’re reaching your limits. The disability team should be offering you respite care but given how you feel I think you should also talk to them about him being accommodated under S20 children act 1989- expect pushback- but you have to be honest about how you are not coping at all. It could be for a period of a few weeks or months until you feel able to care for him again or longer but if it’s for more than a few months they will be duty bound to make long term plans for him. I don’t say this lightly but if there is no emotional connection between you things are likely to get harder and harder for him and you, it’s not a good place for your daughter either growing up seeing this and she will feel emotionally neglected by default. There are specialist foster carers who care for children like your son but it will take time for social services to find him a good match and placement.

AnneValentine · 02/09/2023 19:12

Yamaya · 02/09/2023 19:09

Not at all. I have an autistic son myself.

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So? That’s like telling someone with gioblastoma you know there struggle because you had a minor skin cancer.

Bigsurly · 02/09/2023 19:12

No judgement here. At all.

I wish there was more support for you. It honestly sounds like one of the hardest things a person can go through. I'm really sorry that I can't offer anything more than empathy.

x2boys · 02/09/2023 19:11

continentallentil · 02/09/2023 19:06

I imagine the PP means a residential school. They do exist for children with learning disabilities although tough to access.

OP I think you need to kick up hell to try and get some regular respite to help. I know it’s really hard to get but squeaky wheel and all that.

It sounds like you are doing an incredible job, but realistically it may not be sustainable long term, for either you or your daughter.

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Not at three they don't !
And it's not a simp!e process
And you can kick.up a fuss all.you want but social.services can't give you what they don't have , we are supposed to.have two.over nights respite a month it wss agreed before last Xmas ,we haven't even visited yet as no staff this is the state of social.care .

Jellycats4life · 02/09/2023 19:11

Residential care for a three year old? Do some posters live in cloud cuckoo land? Where are these residential schools for such young children?

I bet there aren’t many residential schools for kids with learning difficulties below secondary age. That’s an educated guess, but I’ve certainly never heard of residential schools for very young children.

As for the OP putting her son into care - I can’t help thinking that the social services response would be to question her ability to parent her non-disabled child…

Grapewrath · 02/09/2023 19:11

Yamaya · 02/09/2023 19:09

Not at all. I have an autistic son myself.

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Course you have. I bet you face all of the same struggles as the op too 🙄

AnneValentine · 02/09/2023 19:10

Sigh. These threads.

Wishing you hadn’t had a child isn’t the same as giving him up.

That said. It is an option. Whatever anyone says. What that looks like wouldn’t be your concern. He will likely end up in long term foster care / living facility as he gets older. If that’s what you want feel no shame, speak to SS.

If it isn’t what you want start on ehcp. Include social care assessment. Make it clear the impact it’s having and start exploring residential settings. Again they are an option, hard yes, but they exist.

Good luck.

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 19:10

Dolores87 · 02/09/2023 19:07

Please don't pretend that a profoundly disabled person going into the care system is what is best for the disabled person. It absolutely wouldn't be best for her son. Even if it is decided it is what is best for her and her daughter it absolutely is not best for her son.

There is a difference between deciding after exploring absolutely all other options that adoption is your only option and posting for some support and having many women suggest straight off the bat you should have your kid put into care. She hasn't come here asking for support surrendering her child she is asking for support with how she is feeling.

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It can indeed be better, when the family they’ve come from is fundamentally breaking.

it also isn’t wrong for OP to make a decision based on what is best for her and her daughter. They matter too.

RantyAnty · 02/09/2023 19:10

There is LAC with over 80000 children.

People are giving up children. It's just taboo to talk about it.
I wouldn't judge. Nobody knows the difficulties someone's having.

Yamaya · 02/09/2023 19:09

Grapewrath · 02/09/2023 19:06

Always one moron isn’t there

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Not at all. I have an autistic son myself.

continentallentil · 02/09/2023 19:08

Yamaya · 02/09/2023 19:04

YABU. Your poor son. It's not his fault you chose to bring him into the world. He can't help who he is. He's also so young, there is a lot of time for his abilities to develop.
Have you looked into respite care?

You are cruel and clueless

vickylou78 · 02/09/2023 19:08

Op that sounds so hard. I don't really have any advice but I guess you just keep plodding on and try and get any breaks where you can. Keep ranting on here if you need to and perhaps see if there are any local families that you could perhaps meet up with that are going through a similar situation as may help to share advice and have a friend to share issues with. Lots of posters are saying that things may gradually get easier - cling on to that. Big hugs it must be so hard x

Grapewrath · 02/09/2023 19:08

PurpleBugz · 02/09/2023 19:05

Oh I feel for you op. There is no help we are alone.

People think there is help is laughable. I literally told social services if they don't put my child into care I'm going to hurt him as I can't take him attacking me and his sister constantly and remain calm much longer. He doesn't sleep. He smears shiti. Also has pica. He climbs out windows and o to cars or under cars. Tips over buggy or pushes other children. Almost killed his sister trying to push her into moving traffic. He's been kicked out of school because they can't manage to keep others safe with 2:1 so they leave him with me single mum to 3 kids because he's not safe in school 2 to fucking 1. My partner left he couldn't cope. Obviously I've had to quit work. Can't see friends. Poor benefits claiming broken person. I'm not even a person anymore I'm a carer wracked with guilt for the life of my other kids. And constantly judged by the world for not working and that it must be my parenting that causes the violence.

Where abouts are you OP? There is this place called Thomley in Oxfordshire that is great to go visit. 8foot fences loads of staff. I can actually get a coffee with a friend when we go there. Also a SEN mum. You will find people who understand once you hit school years and the friends are the only thing to keep you from having a breakdown. Also see if there is a local FB group for send parents they may have suggestions on safe places to go with kids who have no awareness of danger and eat everything.

People really need to know what is happening with the world of SEN. There is no help. You can fight for months or years to get help and it will be a fucking parenting course or they offer you something you can't access because of your child's needs.

I can't wish my son away but I know how you feel. If I didn't have other kids I'd honestly kill myself to escape this hell

I see you. Complete respect and solidarity. Although that’s another cliche- all the services who wont fucking help us tell us we are doing ‘such a great job’

MrsSchrute · 02/09/2023 19:08

Grapewrath · 02/09/2023 18:42

Adoption and foster care aren’t really options though are they? These kids are so difficult to place. Do you really think a social worker will just turn up and take the child if a parent asks. Let me tell you it really isn’t that fucking simple.
Those without disabled kids really have no idea. It’s all on us. All of it- nobody gives s as shit.

This.

I know an adult with ASD who was raised by foster carers. He has had the most horrific life of anyone I know, abused and taken advantage of all his life. He lives in supported living accommodation with drug dealers and prostitutes working from the house, surviving by using food banks as they take his money, and he is too vulnerable to understand what is going on.
Putting a child with ASD in foster care is just not an option. You leave them totally unprotected, with noone to advocate for them.
Don't be fooled, this is not in the child's best interest.

DiscoBeat · 02/09/2023 19:07

Is adoption an option?

What? 😥

Dolores87 · 02/09/2023 19:07

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:57

It’s up to each individual to decide what they are and aren’t prepared to/able to cope with, same as it is up to each individual to decide what is the best for them when it comes to dealing with their own situation.

It may be that this is something OP would consider, and want to do. It shouldn’t be treated as something unmentionable when it may be the right thing for her, her daughter and son. If that is the case she shouldn’t be shamed for it.

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Please don't pretend that a profoundly disabled person going into the care system is what is best for the disabled person. It absolutely wouldn't be best for her son. Even if it is decided it is what is best for her and her daughter it absolutely is not best for her son.

There is a difference between deciding after exploring absolutely all other options that adoption is your only option and posting for some support and having many women suggest straight off the bat you should have your kid put into care. She hasn't come here asking for support surrendering her child she is asking for support with how she is feeling.

hattie43 · 02/09/2023 19:07

Put him in residential care .
It sounds an absolutely thankless task parenting such a child . I feel for your daughter aswell who will have her whole childhood determined by her brothers needs .