To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

Try and find some local support groups (FB is brilliant for this). At least you can be in the company of people who genuinely get what you're going through. And they will know the local system well enough to be able to point you in the direction of support etc. Have you got a local Barnado's as they offer support for families like yourself? https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/services

Life's hard enough being a parent at the best of times, let alone when you're doing it alone and with a child with SEN. I'm so sorry that you're struggling.

I’m sorry OP - it sounds really hard going and that you need some respite, even if only to let off steam. Have you joined any online parent support groups or contacted any organisations with phoneline support? I hope there’s some help there for you and, as others have said, possibly things will seem brighter soon.

OP I work with children like your DS and know their families and have sat and cried with them too, lockdown was especially horrendous. There’s nothing you said in your post I haven’t heard before unfortunately. And what other posters have said there’s very little help out there which is utterly disgusting. Some of our older children aged 8+ get respite care 2 nights a week or some get a carer in the mornings to help get them ready for school.

I would say do not let nursery send him home, your LA have a duty to provide a nursery education for him (sorry I don’t know how the English system works) but where I am he would be classed as vulnerable and be entitled to 5 full days 9-4 50 weeks of the year that would be something and give you a break to spend time with your DD.

Another family I know actually bought a small flat and mum & dad alternated nights between the family home and the flat to get a break they said it was either that or divorce.

I don’t know what else to suggest OP other than I wish you were close to me I’d come and give you a break for a few hours x

Fair enough, sorry.

This is incredibly hard. It's absolutely ok for you to feel sorry for yourself. You've drawn a really shitty straw.
It won't be like this forever. If he has very high care and support needs you'll be able to find him excellent residential accommodation for his adult life. He will be taught in a specialist school where you'll have extra advice and lots of networks open up with other parents - people who really do get it are so important for you and will help your mental health.
As other have said is respite a possibility so you can dedicate small chunks of time to your younger DC?

OP having read most of your thread I wanted to say I can only imagine how difficult and painful life is for you. I so wish I could offer some advice or better some solution. I can’t but I felt compelled to respond to your post to say you are in my thoughts and no one in their right mind could judge you. Another very warm hug.

My cousin is in his 50s and is very much as you describe your DS (ASD, non verbal, epileptic), by Aunt was a SEN teacher before he was born. He went into full time residential ‘school’ when he became large enough that he presented a danger to his younger siblings (sitting on them, violence etc), and has been in 24 hour care his entire adult life. My Aunt and uncle visit him regularly and take him out regularly. My Aunt is very vocally pro Termination for medical reason.

Don’t feel bad OP, get your DS into full time residential care as soon as possible and then you can be the best mum you can be to him with visits and advocating for his needs, and be the mum you want to your DD.

I totally agree with you.

I’m not getting into a debate with you about it, because the bottom line is we don’t agree. We don’t need to.

The fact remains that it IS an option, and it may be one that OP chooses to consider and pursue. That’s entirely her decision to make, and it isn’t for you or anyone to decide that she can’t.

OP this is awful and a hideous situation. Please do what is right for you and your daughter.
😘

Disabled people are often abused in the care system. Being put into care is often an incredibly damaging experience with poor outcomes for non-disabled children let alone disabled children. Unless the child is already being abused by his birth family it is unlikely to be better for him.

Yes OP and the daughter matter too but they do not matter more then. To jump straight into having a 3 year old put up for adoption knowing the likely poor outcome for the child when there are other avenues to explore and many families find things improve (be it with other struggles) with time shouldn't be encouraged unless the situation is at a point where there is abuse.

I understand it is shit, more then shit. I understand what it is like to hate parenting to the point of feeling suicidal and my Nan raised my profoundly disabled uncle to her death bed and spoke openly about how much she struggled.

But it is a risk we all take when having a child. Any of us could end up with a profoundly disabled child (my uncle became disabled after his appendix burst). I am sorry but jumping to surrendering a child into care, before a absolutely every other avenue has been explored isn't ok. This is a human child no matter how much people use the dehumanising language and phrases used in this thread.

For all its not a nice suggestion, Foster Care is an option.
It was a choice my sister in law made with her severely autistic child made for his own health and wellbeing, she couldn't care for him, so working with social services he was found permanent foster placement, she sees him every weekend , but he lives with specialist carers who CAN give him the care/attention he needs to thrive.

This is excellent advice.

Gosh there are some prickly, reactive people on here.

OP can you ask your S/w about Overnight Short Breaks ? (This is what they are called in my borough)
you need to meet criteria to qualify.

When will DS start SEN school? Once he in a specialist setting you may start to see some changes

OP I think you're asking advice on the wrong forum. There are disability groups on Facebook, the charity Contact have a good one and you can post anonymously. They also have their own advice services. People who do not have lived experience really can't comment.
In the meantime, do you have an EHCP. If nursery won't help you can apply yourself. Providing you have a decent ehcp you can apply for the 30 hour funding but need to find a school/nursery willing to take it on. I would be looking at special schools now.
It's a really difficult life. I found once my son was in full time school it took a lot of pressure off me as I see this as respite. Even just being in the supermarket on my own is classed as a break. It sounds pretty grim but that's the level of my expectation.

Wrong thread?

@MrsSchrute
Well you have dogmatically stated that it cannot be in his best interests to go into care and no one will advocate for him ! You cannot know whether that is true or not based on one case .
And children on a section 20 ie a voluntary placement means that parents have full parental responsibility and can therefore advocate themselves. They can remove their child whenever they wish and remain fully involved in their child's life .

I do not have a disabled child but have cared for extremely disabled children at work and know how challenging it can be and that was just from 9 until 3.

For those saying it’s disgusting to suggest adoption or fostering, please think about what you are saying. Just because you might not do that doesn’t mean it’s not ok. Every disabled child is different, every person is different. They are extreme circumstances and I don’t think anyone should be able to make others feel bad for what would of course be a heart wrenching decision. It’s a lose-lose situation I guess.

I agree with pps that giving your son up for fostercare is a definite option - you can't cope, and there's no shame in that, and that's why care exists. Residential care is the only option for some families, and unfortunately there just aren't the care facilities left, so fostercare is the only option. If it counts as abandonment then so be it.

A lot of people don't, but many people do gradually come to the decision to place a child in care either through adoption or fostering because they are unable to manage or keep everyone safe at home. I also know someone who did it and it was an incredibly difficult and painful decision. Absolutely noone thinks that anyone puts a child up for adoption like it's easy. The majority of kids who end up in care have families who have loved and cared for them. But equally no parent should be shamed for feeling like that is the point they are at and taking action before they hit crisis. And I think it's very clear from this thread how insufficient and hard to access the resources are for families who have caring responsibilities. So it's not a reflection on op or her love for her child or how hard she's doubtless worked to give her child all she can. It's a reflection on how underfunded the social care sector is and that's on gov for not seeing the most vulnerable in our society as a priority.

Op I'm not suggesting this is what you should do, only that what you're feeling is normal and there is absolutely no judgement here.

She asked aibu. Perhaps a compassionate and human response should you feel she is would be that yes, you are being unreasonable but your feelings are understandable.. not hateful and pearl clutching like ‘your POOR SON’.

No wise words - just sorry OP that so many posters used your thread as an opportunity to grandstand.
Sending you good wishes and hoping that at some stage, you get some constructive support from someone.

I really don’t blame you. I’d do the same. It sounds genuinely awful.