I could have replied to so many of the lovely comments, but I’m doing bedtime alone so I’ve chosen this one as it’s so simple and lovely.
I feel like such a mess, I’m always ALWAYS scrambling for help, begging for family or friends to help me essentially survive DH’s work shifts. DS can’t manage more than a morning session at nursery and DH works 13 hour days frequently. There’s a pile of evidence, from every kind of expert imaginable that all says the same thing ‘DS needs constant 1:1 care and supervision.’ They quite literally explain in their reports that our home situation makes this impossible and creates an unmanageable situation but ultimately nothing is done about it, it’s just ‘acknowledged’.
Social services awarded him a PA for 3 hours per week!! And told me that was ‘really good because they don’t usually get anything at that age, he only got it because of his younger sister being in the mix’ WHAT?!?!
The level of anxiety and misery I feel is SO HIGH. I’m constantly terrified of something happening to DS and my being blamed for it, because they’ve acknowledged he needs 1:1 and they know I can’t give that so what happens if he eats a rock or coin or something he finds on the floor (I keep the house clear of any small parts but things happen) and chokes on it whilst I’m trying to potty DD or feed DD? Is that my fault? Will I be done for negligent parenting?
All this goes around in my head.
I developed awful IBS, I think due to the extreme stress and anxiety and honestly the noises DS makes just set me off so bad. I can only eat like 7 ‘safe’ foods, everything else makes me awfully poorly and all this is being investigated but I’m confident it’s stress as I didn’t have it before the kids.
….and in amongst it all, whilst I am giving just about 500% on a daily basis and feel like I’m going to fall down on the spot and cry most of the time, I simultaneously seem to be failing at everything. I can’t give DS all the therapies, technicals and approaches the experts keep recommending because I HAVE A TWO YEAR OLD IN TOW ALSO (no matter how many times I repeat this is never seems to sink in) and I can’t parent DD efficiently because I have DS in tow. And I’m just a big giant, frazzled, exhausted, whinging, emotional, MESS!
The only person who thinks I’m going a good job or that I’m strong or amazing (despite me having the entire ASD, EHCP,DLA,Carer and now entry to special school processes completely on my own alongside parenting, is my mum. Who is basically a third parent to my kids and not by choice, just because she understands from her own childcare career that my situation is actually totally unmanageable.
In terms of adaption/fostering. I won’t say I don’t think about it on the bad days, I do. I also won’t say ‘I WOULD NEVER’ because honestly there might come a time in the future where I would. I think the crux of it for me is that right now whilst terribly stressful and hard work both physically and emotionally, DS isn’t violent, he isn’t aggressive and he doesn’t pose an active threat other than to himself. I mean he has occasionally bitten DD but usually in retaliation to her biting him. He certainly doesn’t give more than he gets if that’s makes sense. He is HARD work but right now I couldn’t live with myself at the prospect of putting him into care. I think I also still hold out a glimmer of hope that everything we are throwing at him might make a difference.
He is progressing, albeit very slowly and it can often feel like trying to light damp wood as he’ll suddenly do something and we’ll get excited but then it’s gone and he never does it again. Lots of miss fires and misery.
I just keep telling myself ‘we might be that 1/10 (the odds paediatrician gave me for kids like DS) who start Talking and understanding improve to a level you can live some sort of regular family life with them.’ Even though I know it’s not likely, I still hope.
He has started making better eye contact and can be very affectionate (although this is him doing it to you and not a two way street if that makes sense- it’s also often very intense and can hurt, like he’ll cuddle me whilst trying to eat my hair) and his tolerance with other kids is very good from being at nursery. I feel like if he could just develop some reliable communication skills, It doesn’t even have to be talking I’d happily learn to sign or use a tablet…etc but he doesn’t have the mental capacity for any of it. He would be so much less frustrated, scream less, meltdown less and hopefully be so much easier to handle!