To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

I know the country is in dire straits but I’ve just googled respite care in my home county. There were options. Obviously there used to be more, and I can’t judge the suitability of what was offered.
Neither of your children will benefit from you breaking and that could happen.
If you start with a Google search for your county that might throw up some options ( as well as LA I saw Barnardos and Autistic Society listings)
Then email your SW, tell them you are at breaking point. Don’t hold back.
I’m retired so it’s a while since I was involved in fostering but there are foster parents who offer short term care and have experience of children with complex needs, ( I was one) although they might not be in your area.
There are residential places, they do exist but from the last (brief) involvement I had about 5 years ago I’d say they’re not good ;owned by large companies for profit.

That all.sounds rather lovely doesn't it?
We know what should happen and you can post as many links as you want but in reality there is very little In they way of practical support .
I'm talking from experience.

I'm so sorry xx

Support available for children and parents in England (autism.org.uk)

It sounds very, very hard OP. No judgement from me at all.

As others have said, the situation is dire. There are few choices available, and some of those which are would have me hung, drawn and quartered on this thread if I typed them out, but which I’m sure have crossed many an SEN parent’s mind.

I hope things get easier for you and that you get the support you and your family need.

Op.the best advice I can give you coming from.a fellow parent of a child with complex disabilities is find your.people
It took.me years but i now have a lovely supportive group.of friends with children who.have similar needs who I can shout and scream at when everything gets to much who truly understand
No it doesn't help much practily, but they understand and have been there.

Don't be disgusted - I've worked in a special school and it definitely happens, more than you would think. People being disgusted and judgemental help no-one.

Im.sure you do but there are not loads of families waiting around just to adopt severely disabled children
Most will.end up.in foster care at best

There are loads of families struggling including mine yes if the op.was in a car accident they would have to.do something but she isn't so they won't or offer very little .

I think a lot of posters have been reading way too much Cathy Glass.

But she hasn’t been in a car accident and even if she had been, there is absolutely no way they’d go straight to emergency foster care.

I know a couple who adopted a severely disabled child. Non verbal, couldn't walk or even sit unaided. They fostered initially and then adopted when she reached 15. They also had birth children and fostered other children with milder needs - mostly short term respite care. They adopted one of those too - autistic although not as severely affected as described by OP. So it does happen that parents give up these children and they find loving homes elsewhere.

But they have emergency foster carers? Should OP be in a car accident and end up in hospital for weeks they would have to find someone to care for the child, so surely that should be the case if the family is in crisis?

Also, any need for the eye roll really? 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

OP I'm sorry if someone has said this as I couldn't read all the comments.
I think you need to spell out in no uncertain terms to your DH that you simply CANNOT manage on your own any more. He needs to find another job that means he's home more. Then you can divide and conquer, each get time with your daughter alone to do nice things or even just sit and relax. It may mean your finances are stretched but if they can be, I think your mental health needs to take priority for the time being. I'm sure you'd rather a few less luxuries (that you can't enjoy anyway) and some peace in your week and quality time with dd.
I'm sorry that things are so tough for you right now, I think you're amazing for all that you do. I found mine hard at that age without any additional needs.
My nephew is autistic and was non-verbal and hard work at 3. Things did get easier and school was certainly a huge weight off his parents shoulders.
I think that could be your light at the end of the tunnel for now. Things will never be easy but, they will probably get easier in time. Sending big hugs xxx

My sister an adult now at 35 in a care home has a very happy settled life. But I remember the sheer exhaustion of my parents particularly my mother- no support until she was older and insane levels of craziness growing up for me (I was the older child) but it did get easier as time went by - connecting with other parents and school helped a lot my mother keep her sanity- it's hard OP

Have you not read my posts?
Im.the parent of a severely autistic non verbal.13 year old with incredibly complex needs so.I think.I probably no far more about the Op.,s position then you .

Considering adoption means putting your child first, as hard as it may be. Count yourself lucky that you never been in the oP's situation
X

It you want tomhelp.I would look.for.local.small.charities ,in my area there are a number that.offer discounted days out and subsidised activities for disabled children They are also.a good way of getting parents in a similar position and ime,are always in need of funding ,I personally would not bother with national charities

That sounds so hard @Thehonestbadger . You’re doing a great job and your son is lucky. Your feelings are only natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

Thanks for coming and updating. Sounds like you're doing so well; acknowledge that. Of course you can't give undivided attention to two children at the same time. Try to put less pressure on yourself.

Is he any good at choices? If you offer him two objects or foodstuffs will he choose one and take it from you? Or even just direct his gaze at one? If he can do that it opens lots of opportunities for communication as you can offer him choices in each hand (eventually even just verbally) and he can choose what he wants. But don't put pressure on yourself to do that now. He will be starting school soon (it may not feel soon but it is) and you can slip in picture cards or whatever they choose to try. It sounds like you're just the sort of parent the teachers will love. Proactive and trying everything as xonsistantly as possible.

Listen to your mum when she says you're strong and doing a good job. She's closest to the situation and so logic suggests she's likely to be correct.

Does anyone on this thread know of a charity we could donate to that provides any practical help to people in the OP's situation? It's a horrible situation and I hate to sit by and do nothing.

No.

Theyre serious and its a good suggestion too.

Let some devout oddball raise the kid

No advice. I just want to send you love and care OP. You sound like a truly amazing mother and an incredibly strong and brave person. I hope things eventually get easier for you all.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

I was where you are 3 years ago, all the way down to the small age gap between my DS and DD who came along shortly after. I remember feeling exactly as you do, worn down and hopeless about the future.

I wish I could tell you I found a the solution that made things easier at the time but truthfully I just muddled on as best I could, not always managing, but going with the motions.

I remember pleading with his paediatrician around the same time for clarification on how "severe" his autism was so I could get my head around what the future looked like for us, and how floored I felt when she said that he was "severely affected" and will likely always need a high level of care.

The shreiking, rigidity and inability to cope with doing any type of family activity, damaging property, aggression towards himself and us (and sadly sometimes DD) - was all off the charts.

Life is very different now DS is 6. He's unrecognisable to the child he was at 3. At 3 he was completely non verbal and we were coming to terms with the fact he may never talk. He doesn't stop talking now and is such a bright little boy. He had taught himself to read before he even spoke.

Because of his perceived limitations we hadn't even tried to teach him to read, instead we were just focusing on trying to help him learn to talk - so he taught himself and you could have knocked us down with a feather when he began reading sentences from books/magazines/his tablet.

The lack of understanding - that was something I was continually stressing to people who insisted he's going to make progress. I felt as though they just didn't get it. How could he progress when he doesn't understand things? It turns out he did. He just couldn't cope with the demands that understanding placed on him at that point.

I watched a documentary film called "the reason I jump" which was really eye opening. It featured a group of severely autistic teenagers who were non verbal and completely unable to talk. They were taught to use electronic communication devices and the way they were then able to hold conversations was amazing. Their grip on language and comprehension was in total contrast to how they were thought to be.

Sorry, I'm rambling now.

In short - things often do get better. A good special needs school was the best resource we could have hoped for and having that time away from eachother 5 days a week did wonders for our relationship. It's a pleasure to spend time with DS now. He still has his struggles, but nowhere near on the level he did before.

Him and DD have a wonderful relationship too. They are as thick as thieves.

Sending strength. Hang in there.