To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

OP reading this makes me very sad for your son, he didn’t choose this life no one will choose to have disabilities,and as you pointed you wished for all test to be made to identify abnormalities but he is here now. It’s ok to vent I feel your pain and your son. In certain situations all we have to do is give and I believe in my heart this lovely boy one day you will look back and be happy for the life you have gave him. Please don’t give up on him. If you choose to give him for adoption will you be at peace in your for his wellbeing and how he is treated?

I said I was disgusted with all the comments encouraging a mother of a THREE year old to jump straight to adoption or long term fostering. Yes I am passing judgement, on all the posters talking about this disabled child in a way that dehumanises him.

I didn't say I was disgusted with parents who end up feeling like they have no choice but to give their child up for adoption.

I don’t think anyone unwilling or unable to raise a child should have to do so, and if that means placing a child in foster care or putting them up for adoption then I’m not going to sit back and judge if they choose to do so.

it’s entirely up to the individual in question.

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme, agreed. The OP wrote a long detailed post about visiting special schools and what disability categories their admission systems are based on, and how hard it is for any child other than the most severely disabled to get a place. So clearly she is investigating but there's very little out there in reality. I know of similar situations outwith the UK as well.

Hi OP
speaking from similar experience, putting the younger child in nursery is a good idea - socialisation for her and gives everyone a break

But you also need to const how the daughter might feel if her brother was away my older son has had a much harder life as the sibling of a disabled child but he's his BROTHER and he loves him its also made him.a much better and kinder person imo.

It does happen, occasionally, but being bounced around the care system and ending up in a care home or hospital facility is far more common.

Her daughter deserves to have a fairly happy and safe home life as well. That might not happen with him around,. Some people may not want to acknowledge this, but this could seriously affect her.

Yanbu no one would choose this lifestyle
It's very unfair x

I mean this kindly op but it sounds like you'd be doing your son, and most importantly yourself a massive favour if you stopped trying to fix him.

We were in a very similar position to you 20 years ago, also had another child of a similar age who has Autism too.... ds was extremely hard work, his issues were obvious from a few months old so we had him picked up and in the system by the time he was around 10 months and still couldn't sit.......I used to tie myself in knots trying to make things better but innthe end he got there himself, under his own steam in his own time.

He's 22 now and yes, he'll need lifelong care but he's also progressed beyond my wildest dreams. And he got there himself, I mean it's a miracle he survived this long with his constant escape attempts and habit of trying to eat batteries but he did. And I'm immensely proud of what he's achieved, my biggest regret is not enjoying him more as a small child.

He's just brought me in a cup of tea, I absolutely adore my boy. And him being secure with that is what's brought him on the most.

The child is three its not domestic violence.

@SilverCatStripes Ffs. It's not just all about her son though is it. She also has a daughter who deserves a good and safe life. He's probably more of a handful now because of his age, but if he grows up and ends up having massive tantrums with little ability to control himself....wtf do you think that will mean for his poor sister who'll have to live with him????

I will never forget the story of a poor mother who hadn't had a proper nice shower in YEARS because her teenage son would have a meltdown every time she went into the bathroom to wash. She would lock the door but would have to be really quick as he would bang his fists on it and he did with such force that she was scared if she took too long, he would actually end up knocking it down if she took any longer. Imagine living with someone doing that that is so much stronger than you, and then add in a younger female child into the mix as well.

Don't be so fucking judgemental.

I would absolutely not judge you on any decision at all tbh. This is why I lose so much hope in humanity when anti-choice campaigners are so against abortion for reasons like disabilities and life-limiting conditions. They don't have a clue.

mentally absent*

I don't know if adoption is the right answer for both you and him, but I would be concerned about how this is going to affect your daughter growing up. It's going to be hard for her where one parent is mentally assent most of the time because they're struggling so much with a sibling. I would also be concerned about the fact that your son is obviously a male, and sounds like he's going to turn out to be big too, so I'm wondering how you and your daughter will cope with him when he's older, if he's physically a handful now.

I'm so sorry parenting has meant this for you OP. He deserves a good life, but your daughter also deserves to feel safe in her own home and have the attention of a mother that she needs. Domestic violence against mums and sisters from brothers and sons is something that I think goes under reported. I know it's not the same with him because of his needs, but it's violence and physical danger that you might have to live with nonetheless.

Not many ime,of being the mother of a severely disabled child myself my son was born apparently normal and only when he started not meeting his milestone, s did we realise there might be issues but by then he was our much loved son
Its not been easy and quite frankly on Wednesday when he goes back to.his special school.i.will be relieved but most of us get on with it as there is no other option.

@Yamaya I agree with you and everything you said

Presumably ones that wouldn’t consider adoption an option. If it isn’t something you’d ever consider then yes, of course you’d have to cope, but for some people that would be an option.

I'm interested in where these people who would be willing to give up their child for adoption would draw the line for their child not living up to their expectations, and spoiling their dream of a perfect, easy life? How 'bad' does the child need to be?

Also we are not talking a baby that has been born with multiple disabilities where it was obvious from the beginning that he would have very high needs. This is a 3 year old child - parents of disabled children love their children too, despite how much harder they are to care for, and how many parents do you think would want to give up on their child?

Do people honestly think those who are ‘living it’ and saying THERE IS NO CARE haven’t thought to google their options and are just not ‘trying hard enough’ I know people mean well but it feels so invalidating, patronising and minimises the reality when people are googling and posting random links.

We have both a care and SEND crisis going on in this country. There aren’t enough m foster placements for children who are at immediate risk of significant harm let alone for children with additional needs. If OP had a car accident when she has family and a DP she would categorically not get an emergency foster placement for her child! Even if she didn’t have a DP all extended family would be explored and contacted.

Those who do get respite/short breaks and residential placements do so after years and years of fighting tooth and nail for it often including lots of appeals, legal advice, tribunal etc etc. The sad fact is they’re incredibly expensive to fund so social care/education authorities will try every other option first (and when I say ‘option’ I mean they will hand some leaflets out, maybe put you on a waiting list for a course and suggest you ask your network for extra support) it feels as though people just can’t comprehend that there isn’t a safety net or a quick solution in these situations!! Maybe because we all get comfort from the idea that there’s always an option or a solution for everything in life.

OP hang in there. One foot in front of the other and just keep breathing. These moments will come and go and you will have some of those 4/10 day! Take the smallest opportunities to get some support from friends and family. Even if it’s as basic as asking someone to come for a cuppa and to keep you company or joining an SEN support group online.

nothing of value to add. just solidarity mama. I have 4 children. my eldest has been diagnosed with add, asd and a learning disability and attends an sen school. We have recently found out our second child has a neurological disorder that effects the signals being sent to her legs and feet. Diagnosed age 11, it's progressive, so she's lost the ability to run and is waiting for surgery on her feet to help with balance and stability.
Children with disabilities really do impact family life. I hear you ❤️

Hope things begin to improve for you soon!

I really feel for you OP. I know people with more experience than me are saying that there is no residential care, but over fifty years ago I used to do volunteer work in this place and it was so lovely and the children and adults so well loved and looked after. They definitely didn't have children as young as your child, OP. It might be worth looking into:
https://www.glencraig.org.uk/services/

I can’t believe some of you are suggesting OP puts her son up for adoption- like children with disabilities are somehow less loveable than children who don’t have disabilities.

If any parent came on here to have a bit of a moan about what a shit time they were having lately it wouldn’t enter anybodies head to suggest you relinquish your child- except when disabilities are involved, then it’s an absolute free for all for the ignorant ableist arseholes to stick the boot in as hard as they can.

To OP - it’s bloody relentless mate , have a look at the SEN board they are a supportive bunch. It could be worth you contacting your health visitor and asking them for some support, some are fab and can connect you to some brilliant support. Don’t forget to look at your “Local Offer” because they will able to signpost you
to support too.

I’m sorry I haven’t read the entire thread, but I just wanted to say there is no judgement from me. I won’t ever be able to understand even a tenth of what parents of complex needs kids have to deal with.
where abouts are you based? I’d be happy to meet and try and help with your son to free up some time for you to spend with your daughter if it would help, even if it was just an hour here and there?
Maybe if others could offer support for mums in similar situations, we could all help in even the tiniest way?
Huge hugs, so sorry you’re feeling the way you are x

I’m really sorry. Must be so hard,sending you hugs.