To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

Children will be placed in foster care if their parents give the children up.

Do you honestly think you can just turn up at the social work office, leave your child and someone will foster them? The process of “giving up a child” involves a lot of assessment, professional involvement and multiple plans aimed at keeping the child in their family of birth. The process of assessment looks at parenting across the whole family so would include the OPs daughter, it’s not by any means an easy process, or indeed a given that at the end of that process the child would actually be accommodated. Removing a child from their birth family actively causes them harm, it’s an option of absolute last resort for good reason.

There isn’t some list of carers waiting for a child, fostering services are under incredible strain and honestly while some foster carers are amazing, some are very poor, so I wouldn’t assume the child would get better care than his mum can currently offer.

Better to fight and campaign for realistic support for parents - proper education options for a range of disabilities, not just for kids most severely affected, decent respite options that are easy to access, proper funding for parents who are full time carers. But these all cost money, aren’t politically popular and are complex to provide.

But she's not considering it now so stop going on about it
Do you have any other constructive advice other than arguing with me ?

Exactly! And the post suggesting she consider how appalled her family and friends would be at the very idea was especially shameful.

Because of those attacking the suggestion, and saying it shouldn’t be made/considered an option. Again, you don’t have to like it, but that doesn’t mean people can’t acknowledge it.

So sorry you experienced this. Unfortunately, your experience is not uncommon.

Bang on about SEN children not having a voice. They will be high risk for SA, physical abuse or worse with some foster carers.

This was during the pandemic when there was no help.available and most special.schools were closecalso.as I recall.she was psychotic
Most parents do not kill their disabled children no matter how desperate things are.

The Op. Has stated that she will never say never about considering foster care in the future so why are people still.banging on about it?
It sounds like she needs to vent rather than continually being told to have her THREE adopted/ fostered

This is incorrect.

Children will be placed in foster care if their parents give the children up.

Disclaimer: This post is in no way meant as a response to OP's problem but as an addition to the conversation from above regarding lack of care for SN parents.

Does anyone remember this story? It haunted me for a long time because the mother was a successful career woman and gave up everything to care for her son. The celebrity photographer father sounds like a right twat and abandoned them both early on. It also proves how the system can fail even the most financially and socially privileged people.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9183707/Mother-40-admits-killing-10-year-old-autistic-son-denies-murder.html

The Op explained in what I thought was a very clear post about special schools and about the level of need for residential care.

I really think if some posters on here spent some time with families with children with severe and complex needs they would be shocked at what families are expected to manage themselves with very limited care. To be honest, I’m surprised (in a positive way) that this little boy has a PA.

@Tryingtobehappytomorrow123
Thankyou for sharing your story and I am so glad you have found a good solution for everyone.

I hear you and can't imagine how hard things are. I used to work in a school for children with ASD and would go home exhausted every day after just 7 hours. All the staff agreed that it must be incredibly hard for the families who were often awake all night. We had nothing but complete respect for them.
Sometimes my colleagues would do unofficial babysitting for the families as they already knew the child well. Maybe once your son starts school opportunities like this might open up and things become a bit more controllable.
Can your DS use any sign language or use PECS? I've seen some children come on rapidly when they learn some communication techniques.
Also are you a member of any parent support groups? Sometimes just being able to offload to others who understand is invaluable.

But its not a simple process either is it its long and arduous
Some poster ,s seem to.think you can just phone up.social.services and they will immediately provide you with lots of lovely respite or find a delightful residential school near enough for regular visits that children can start immediately at.

I’m not seeing anyone telling OP what she should do, except the ones that want to declare that something that is an option shouldn’t even be mentioned. It’s fine if it’s something that you wouldn’t ever consider, no one said it had to be. You don’t get to make that decision for anyone else though.

Again: acknowledging it as an option, and one that no one should be shamed over, is not the same thing as telling someone what to do.

Tbh,once the Ops son starts school.she might find things get a bit easier in terms of she will.have a breather every weekday
Respiite is incredibly limited but currently my son gets a day a week in a special needs holiday club and in the school.holidsyx every other Saturday in the same club which helps our two nights a month haven't materialised yet!
And the routine of school.really helps and it keeps him.active and less destructive
Of course its always. difficult for siblings and my 16 year old has had it rough ,but we try and spend individual time with him and he knows how loved he is .

Sending child to residential school is not "giving up". Narrative has to change.
Seeking shared care foster care is not " giving up ".
It is hard to get yes, but first step is asking and being clear and yes being ready to hand over child for 24 hours or more at a time.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2293579/amp/Would-disabled-son-allow-children-chance-happiness.html

the above article is written by a mother who put their disabled child in a residential school, she stated she spent £20k in legal fees fighting the council for funding. It’s not that simple to get that kind of help

Fostering is not the golden ticket some posters are making it out to be, children who are fostered feel rejected, unwanted, and unloved, the action it takes to put a child in foster care is harrowing. You don’t just ring social services and ask them to take a child. Social services step in when there is no other option. Can you imagine taking your child to school and not picking them up, when the school office phone you to remind you, you either refuse to collect or go AWOL. It is horrendous for any child to be suddenly be surrounded by unknown adults and then more unknown adults that take them home, then if those adults (foster carers) can’t cope, the child is moved on. And on. Please do not be fooled thinking this is an easier route for anyone. Especially your child, and what will you tell them when the ask you why you sent them away, and what will you tell your dd?
Yanbu to want a break, join all the charities you can and take the support, resources and respite there is. 3 years old is hard going.
Wishing you peace and best wishes.

The OP has outright said adoption isn't something she would consider right now, so why are people still trying to convince her that giving up her 3 year old to care as if she was rehoming a dog is the best solution. It's so dehumanising of this child who is 3 and therefore still very young, who needs his mother, and who could come on leaps in time.

OP I just re read your last reply.
Two things that I thought that may not be relevant.

You spoke about Dad still being in the picture. Can you both work part time therefore allowing both of you to have a life outside of your care responsibilities? Splitting the load of it. That could help with your feelings maybe if it's doable.

The other thing is you talk about son needing 1 on 1 and this being hard with your daughter. Does your daughter go to childcare at all? If not could she? If she went at a different time to when your son goes to nursery it would allow you to reduce the times a bit where you are 1 person to the 2 kids and it would give you some alone time with DD and 1 on 1 time with your son.

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

If you had 2 buttons:
1- he simply wouldn’t exist anymore
or 2 - he was free of the problems making life so hard, I think you would push the second button.

They always are ,the Op.has said she would never say never about. Considering it in the future but right now it seems she just wants to vent yet people keep.on suggesting adoption/ fostering ,residential its depressing .

This thread is so incredibly messed up tbh

The issue with that @Meadowdog is the OP didn’t indicate she was considering it in her posts. We now have twelve pages of arguing about it and the OP, who clearly needs support, is long forgotten.

For most people it is not an option. It tends to be a disabled child plus other factors - being a lone parent or suffering from illness yourself (mental or physical) or similar.

Being pragmatic here think about how your family and friends would react if you have your child up for adoption. It wouldn’t be like setting the clock back and going back to a former life. It would always be there.

Oh I agree it's definitely the minority but yes as you've finally now admitted some do. And therefore it's an option and not something people should be shamed for suggesting or considering. No one has suggested it as a first option, or blithely, but as an option! Oh, and sorry if I disturbed your rigid absolutist stance with some facts!

You have no idea how this child will act at 20 though because right now he is 3. You can't just put a 3 year old into care because you don't like how they may act in the future. You are just being alarmist and quite frankly completely ridiculous.