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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

337 replies

Thehonestbadger · 02/09/2023 17:29

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

OP posts:
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7
Scrambledchickens · 02/09/2023 18:26

I would push hard with social work for some respite care. You are not doing anything wrong in asking for more help. xx

Dolores87 · 02/09/2023 18:25

monicagellerbing · 02/09/2023 17:40

Is adoption an option?

Wow awful response.

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:24

Ihonestlydontgetit · 02/09/2023 18:18

I don't think OP could be blamed for considering it. It's such an awful situation. I always knew that I'd struggle if any of my kids had severe or complex needs, I'm just not the sort of person that could cope.
OP I'm so sorry for you. This does sound unbearable.

Show quote history

And who do you imagine are the sort of people who.can cope??
Most of us have no choice but to.bloody cope as there is no other option.
And it's then end of a,long six weeks holidays and im.barely coping right now but I have to .

lostinmymess · 02/09/2023 18:22

@Clefable There is no 'solution'. Families are expected to carry on. My younger child has significant mental health issues which are probably in part due to having a very challenging sibling.

I can tell you after being well over a decade in the system that noone cares. parents just carry on. There is no alternative. HTH

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:20

Anothershitusername · 02/09/2023 18:12

have u got an ehcp
if not get one ,the nursery will help u
you can request a residential school ,your social worker will help with it .
you will have to fight for it ,but you already know everything is a fight anyway .
I understand only to well ..my son is 24 now ..yes I too would press that button

The child is three ,have you any idea how hard it is to.get a residential school?
Its highly unlikely a child will.get a residential.place at three!
Its hard enough in some areas to.get a special school place!

Arthurnewyorkcity · 02/09/2023 18:19

Hi op, I feel similar I also work for social services and snigger at the respite care comments.... always said by those without disabled children. I wrote a thread by a different username almost word for word like your opening.
I will say my son is still nonverbal at almost 5 but id argue more pre verbal. His language understanding is slowly improving and for the first time ever, he told me he loved me the other day. Age 1-3 were OK. 4 has been horrific. Told doctor if it wasn't for my dd I'd have killed myself. Family don't bother. At almost 5 it finally feels like light might be at the end of the tunnel. My son is happy and the screeching is rare now.
It might get better.

Ihonestlydontgetit · 02/09/2023 18:18

TigerRag · 02/09/2023 17:41

Is this a joke?

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I don't think OP could be blamed for considering it. It's such an awful situation. I always knew that I'd struggle if any of my kids had severe or complex needs, I'm just not the sort of person that could cope.
OP I'm so sorry for you. This does sound unbearable.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/09/2023 18:17

THERE IS NO FUCKING HELP!

Stop, please just fucking stop going on about residential care, this help, oh there must be something, no, no there is not, well there is but the amount and frequency and qualifying requirements are designed to be as ineffectual that it is NOT available to the majority of parents with children like the OPs.
It's not there if you are on a low income and trust me it's not even there if you have plenty of funds to throw at the issue, I've been looking for child care for my own son with SEN for over 2 years so I can spend time with my other two children in the holidays and weekends.

THERE IS NOTHING, NO ONE WANTS TO FUCKING HELP.

So please shut the fuck up, am so sick of this nonsense people who have no clue and don't even want to know spouting insulting repetitive useless crap in the guise of help.

SeulementUneFois · 02/09/2023 18:16

monicagellerbing · 02/09/2023 17:40

Is adoption an option?

OP
Have a serious think about this.

You had no idea this is what your child would be like.

However a potential adopter would know this from the start, and if they wanted to adopt while having the knowledge in advance it could be a much better situation for both you and the adopter.

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:15

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:12

Mainly because v the posters that suggest it are not in that situation themselves
In reality a severely disabled child is unlikely to.be adopted
In most cases it would be long term.foster care .

Show quote history

I trust people to know themselves better than strangers do. Besides, neither you nor I have any idea as to what someone has been through.

People absolutely do give up children for adoption/place them in foster care when they cannot cope with their needs. There is no shame in that.

Clefable · 02/09/2023 18:15

I am genuinely interested in what the solutions are when your child makes your life a living hell and your other child's life is also crap because of it. Because you apparently can't ever contemplate or discuss that you're unable to care for this child without massive detriment to yourself and your other child, so what? You just have to push on with everyone's life being awful and a child who is in many ways totally unaware of being part of a family anyway and may never be aware? Until you have a breakdown, your other child grows up damaged, you are physically unable to keep them safe, etc.

There's no nice solution here. So what can OP do to make life bearable for her and her daughter as well as ensuring her son's safety and well-being? He is one individual, the same as they are, the fact he is disabled doesn't mean that the needs of OP and her other child are unimportant. They are individuals too. Everyone's life matters in this.

I'm sorry, OP, it sounds horrendously difficult and your feelings are totally understandable.

Original poster
Thehonestbadger · 02/09/2023 18:14

It also helps that DD knows who I am and I’ve actually bonded with her.

I love DS but I feel like he’s a pet more than a child. I just have to meet his needs and pray the day goes smoothly 🤦‍♀️

I hold onto the fact that he is developing, slowly but still. I throw everything at him in terms of therapies, play, input and I do everything for him I think may help even slightly… but I just don’t feel the connection I do with DD.

OP posts:
devildeepbluesea · 02/09/2023 18:13

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:10

I said people do it, I made no comment on how many.

I’m not seeing how it’s ‘blasé’ when posters are giving suggestions based on OP’s post. No one said it was an easy option, but it isn’t something that should be treated as unmentionable. If OP considers/does it then she shouldn’t be made to feel like she’s wrong to do so.

Edited
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Completely agree.

I know someone who did exactly that, put their child up for adoption - they were well aware that they were not equal to the child’s needs, and had another child whose life would be really badly impacted by their sibling. They obviously felt terrible guilt but they made the least bad decision for them.

Anothershitusername · 02/09/2023 18:12

have u got an ehcp
if not get one ,the nursery will help u
you can request a residential school ,your social worker will help with it .
you will have to fight for it ,but you already know everything is a fight anyway .
I understand only to well ..my son is 24 now ..yes I too would press that button

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:12

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:10

I said people do it, I made no comment on how many.

I’m not seeing how it’s ‘blasé’ when posters are giving suggestions based on OP’s post. No one said it was an easy option, but it isn’t something that should be treated as unmentionable. If OP considers/does it then she shouldn’t be made to feel like she’s wrong to do so.

Edited
Show quote history

Mainly because v the posters that suggest it are not in that situation themselves
In reality a severely disabled child is unlikely to.be adopted
In most cases it would be long term.foster care .

Original poster
Thehonestbadger · 02/09/2023 18:11

Radyward · 02/09/2023 18:06

I often think id prefer no kids than one who takes over a whole house and by their very presence makes everyones life rubbish. God forgive me. I dont blame you at all. There is no option to give them back BUT no one would blame you on the adoption option if thibgs are just so difficult and a definate never ending scenario. Its awful for other kids in a family. I do totally realise you cant give back kids obvs but gosh its totally ok to admit how hard and tough it is!! Fostering an option???
Hugs to you and your daughter

I used to say the same thing.

I’m a normal person, professional, emotionally healthy…etc but I remember saying when we were thinking of having kids, ‘I wish they could test for more stuff. Like learning disabilities and autism and those things because I wouldn’t choose to have a child with those kind of needs.’ And I 100% would have ended a pregnancy that showed significant genetic abnormalities. It’s personal choice; but I want a decent quality of life. I want a life.

Ive never been someone who would be willing to sacrifice their entire life to be a carer. It’s different with small children because you know they’ll grow up, what they need from you will change and evolve. I happily sacrifice everything for DD because there is light at the end of the tunnel.

DS feels like a black hole.

OP posts:
Georgyporky · 02/09/2023 18:11

Where's the child's Father?

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:10

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:07

Of coursevitsxup.to.her but its the incredibly blase,way people suggest it
And no.most people don't do it .

Show quote history

I said people do it, I made no comment on how many.

I’m not seeing how it’s ‘blasé’ when posters are giving suggestions based on OP’s post. No one said it was an easy option, but it isn’t something that should be treated as unmentionable. If OP considers/does it then she shouldn’t be made to feel like she’s wrong to do so.

Noicant · 02/09/2023 18:10

Just sending support OP, it sounds incredibly hard and your feelings are totally valid and understandable x

Exdonkeylover · 02/09/2023 18:09

I spent several years working with adults with learning disabilities, never felt anything but respect to the families that raised them. But eventually it became too much for the families and as adults they entered the system. I could 100% see why families couldn't cope, never felt anything negative towards them and their adult children were very well cared for and had a good quality of life.

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:07

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:05

People do in fact do it though. It may or may not be something OP would consider, but that’s for her to decide. It’s not for anyone else to tell her it isn’t an option.

Show quote history

Of coursevitsxup.to.her but its the incredibly blase,way people suggest it
And no.most people don't do it .

SmallBox · 02/09/2023 18:07

I'm in a similar situation with my youngest, who is 4 with ASD. My 7 year old wears noise cancelling headphones all the time at home because his brother never stops screaming. I feel on edge constantly, full of cortisol or adrenaline, wanting to scream myself or curl into a ball or run away. Over the holidays I have tried to take them to busy outdoor places, parks, beaches etc where the screaming won't be so out of place but I have been told by other parents (who I really do think were trying to be supportive) that they've 'never heard anything like it', 'he sounds like he's on fire' and 'that noise could strip paint off the walls'. It's such a miserable life and I'm sorry you're going through it too. x

Radyward · 02/09/2023 18:06

I often think id prefer no kids than one who takes over a whole house and by their very presence makes everyones life rubbish. God forgive me. I dont blame you at all. There is no option to give them back BUT no one would blame you on the adoption option if thibgs are just so difficult and a definate never ending scenario. Its awful for other kids in a family. I do totally realise you cant give back kids obvs but gosh its totally ok to admit how hard and tough it is!! Fostering an option???
Hugs to you and your daughter

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:05

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:01

You have absolutely no.idea what you would do.unless you are in that situation
Imagine it's your child ,the child you love more than anything else in the world
Gradually you realise that your child has disabilities and over a number of years it becomes apparent how complex those disabilities are most people don't put their child up.for adoption ,they struggle in as they have no choice its insulting when people act si.blase,about such a huge decision.

Show quote history

People do in fact do it though. It may or may not be something OP would consider, but that’s for her to decide. It’s not for anyone else to tell her it isn’t an option.

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:05

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 02/09/2023 17:58

I have nothing but compassion for you as I know that I’d absolutely feel the same and really struggle.

I also don’t think the adoption comment made by one poster should be viewed as some sort of joke or nasty. I personally know someone who has put her son into foster care as she was absolutely unable to care for his additional needs. She felt guilty enough as it is - nobody in that awful situation (and there may well be someone on here like that even if it’s not OP) needs the additional guilt from strangers calling her appalling for even considering it. Not everyone is mentally, physically or emotionally able to cope in this situation so hold off with the snap judgement just because you think you wouldn’t.

OP, given how extremely difficult your circumstances are, you could ask your local council if it’s possible to any additional (residential) care / support, perhaps at weekends, to give you a break?

Edited

And you clearly have no clue what it's like to.have a disabled child ,
Some posters do Including me .
Its insulting tto.hear more of I couldn't do.it ,just put your child up.for adoption type comments.