To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

OP I am sorry you are in this situation, it sounds pretty relentless.

You need support - you are much more than a mother- you are a carer too.

I would urge you to find a carer's support agency. I know there are lots all over the country.
I am a carer too, and my local carer's support organisation are phenomenal.

They have given me practical, emotion and financial advice, free or very low cost counselling to help deal with your struggles. They can offer and often pay for respite care, weekends away, have coffee mornings and run support groups with local carers in similar situations, a range of activities too- free massage, reflexology, yoga, meditation art and pottery sessions- all free.

These things may not change your situation, but when we are stronger in ourselves caring becomes a bit less overwhelming.

Make sure caring for yourself is important- even if just a few hours a week to give you breathing space.

Adoption and foster care aren’t really options though are they? These kids are so difficult to place. Do you really think a social worker will just turn up and take the child if a parent asks. Let me tell you it really isn’t that fucking simple.
Those without disabled kids really have no idea. It’s all on us. All of it- nobody gives s as shit.

My autistic (very similar to your post) DC are primary aged now. We still have days like you describe. I still don't have that relentlessly positive neurodiversity affirming outlook most all the time. I won't pretend it gets much easier BUT your ability to cope and your son's independence will increase (even if it's* *just the smallest things (my youngest can now put a t-shirt on).

You are allowed to feel however you do about it all. I won't suggest respite etc because in my experience most parents will have maxed out any support they are able to. What I will ask is ... is there any time your son is calmer? Swimming? In nature? Anything? Capitalise on that. We used to hire private pools regularly - it calmed everything down.

I remember watching a Louis theroux documentary about autism. There was a family with two children with ASD, they were both non verbal and very challenging. The mum told Louis she loved her children but got no enjoyment from them. Thought it was very profound and understandable. Hugs OP x

I just find it distasteful, or perhaps disingenuous, I suppose that adoption or foster care is apparently such an awful option and shouldn't be mentioned, but the same people are happy to write off the mental health and happiness of two other individuals in this story.

The thing about pushing the button and them disappearing/not existing is because in this magical scenario you don't have to face to the guilt that comes with feeling like you've failed your child or having to explain it to people, like you would with adoption or fostering. Shame is a very strong motivator (or demotivator). It's a great taboo, really, 'giving up' your child.

The option exists, and instead of shaming people for mentioning it, perhaps we should be supporting people to be aware of that choice or at least seek further information if it's something they actually want to do instead of suggesting it's disgusting and shaming them into keeping on with a miserable fucking life because 'what will people think?!'. I wouldn't presume to tell someone living OP's life what they should and shouldn't do, as I sit here in my own house with none of the issues she faces every day.

There are options which may be untenable to some and a solution for others. I am not going to cast judgement either way. The only judgement and shame we should direct is at the shitty state of healthcare in this country where there's no help or respite for people living lives like this.

This. A million times this.

This sounds like a living hell. I am a CAMHS clin psych and recently have put in child protection notifications, not because I'm worried about the parenting but because the parents are at breaking point. Honestly it seems like this is the only way to get help is to say you are in crisis. Social Work will pull out the stops if they think a child may have to go into care.
I'm not slagging off social workers at all, but sometimes it's justified to press the nuclear button. You need respite or at least interim foster care.

No one is telling OP to do that, we’re acknowledging it as an option. If it isn’t an option for OP that’s for her to decide, but there’s no shame if it is.

The adoption suggestion’s are ridiculous.
OP is allowed to feel how she feels without going through the gruelling adoption process when she clearly loves her son. Also very fucking naive- if a loving parent is struggling with their ASD child then you can imagine how likely he would be to find a suitable and willing family. As if adoption is a viable option at any point

I'm so sorry for what you're going through 😔as a previous poster asked, can Dad help? It shouldn't be you doing it all alone....

How do.you think.your comment helps?
Yes pots of marriages do.break.down but not all im.still.married as are a lot of people I know.

Exactly, there is no fucking help. It infuriates me when people say there is this and that help. There is none.

And for some that would indeed be an option.

yanbu
All of the posts about respite and residential are well meaning but even with this in place there are still the very real feelings of living a life you didn’t ask for or plan and the feelings of disappointment and despair that your path is now changed forever- our SEN children don’t always grow up and leave home so the years ahead can be daunting
As an ASD parent myself I can only show you complete solidarity and tell you that some days are better than others.

Disabled children with very complex needs tend not to.get adopted
Usually it would be long term foster care.

Im sorry this thread has brought up a situation i winessed in a shop. This 4 yr old continually screamed for about 20 mins. His mum was so flustered so on edge it was horrible to witness. They live locally and i know her and her husband are now separated and have other kids too. The poor couple. There is no way on earth a family / marriage could cope with that little boy. Never slept at night. Omg i thank the lord i dont have that. As for help there is none.just plenty of admin staff filling forms and doing sweet F A. It ruins family lives and other nicer lives mums might have had without them. God forgive me

This. I could feel your frustration screaming out of your post. No one, unless they are living with a child with SEN, will ever understand how relentlessly brutal it can be. There is very litte help available - definitely no breakfast clubs or after school so little to no opportunity to work anything more than a limited number of hours per week. No one to babysit because they cannot cope with your child, no holiday clubs etc. It is relentless. To the OP, I would say, start shouting as loud as you can that you are not coping. Tell SW that, if they do not offer some respite, you are placing your child into their care. You absolutely need to mean it, though. SW only deliver if they believe that you mean what you say. The harsh reality is they will offer respite but only if you convince them you are placing your child in their care if you don't get respite. Sending love and solidarity. It DOES get better but start shouting!!

No, you’re not horrible. You’re overwhelmed and you are physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. No one person can care for a loved one with high needs 24/7 without collapsing eventually, with no real help or real breaks.

Your situation is exactly what our tax dollars should be going to, to help you cope, to provide specially trained helpers and nurses and teachers and guides. Any loved one who needs a lot of help day to day, whether a child or elderly or anyone with illness or disability, physical or mental, needs to be prioritized so their families don’t collapse from all the caretaking and so the one with high needs can live the best life possible.

We know you love your child dearly and more than anything in the world. The fact is you’re weary and worn out and need help.

Actually disgusted with all the comments telling you to put your child up for adoption or into foster care tbh. Wtf am I even reading.

Parenting is hard, and this kind of parenting is way harder. How you feel is valid but you can address these feelings. Are you having any therapy? I used to hate being a mother and therapy helped me. Could you hire a nanny for a couple of days a week? Which you can then dedicate to spending time with your 2 year old or taking much needed time for yourself? This would be an expense so you might have to juggle financially but knowing you have this time could really help you, even if it's just one day a week or two afternoons. I know things improved for my friend when her child started school. He goes to a specialist school and having 9-3 to herself every day has made a big difference to her wellbeing.

You are not horrible, all you are doing is being honest about a very difficult situation and I wish I could think of something, anything that would make it better. X

Poor poor you OP. You have been dealt an absolutely shite hand in the card game of parenting. It sounds horrendous for you and your poor daughter.

Presumably ones that wouldn’t consider adoption an option. If it isn’t something you’d ever consider then yes, of course you’d have to cope, but for some people that would be an option.

I have no idea how anyone copes with this. I know people have to cope and have no choice.

It's a fair suggestion based on the initial post. But it's hard imagining someone volunteering to take this incredibly difficult situation on.

Sounds really hard OP

Random temporary suggestion that isn't a solution...

Have you met any other parents with similar struggles though your care/pathway etc. is there a local group or something? My thinking was that if you could make one friend with similar challenges who sort of understands the behaviour and might be worn down by it but isn't afraid of it.... you would immediately less alone but also, you might be able to come to some weekly arrangement where you take each others DC for a day a week? Hard as it would be - it probably wouldn't be THAT much worse than just one and the payoff would be a whole day a week to spend on yourself on with your DD.

Could that work?