To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

Always one moron isn’t there

I imagine the PP means a residential school. They do exist for children with learning disabilities although tough to access.

OP I think you need to kick up hell to try and get some regular respite to help. I know it’s really hard to get but squeaky wheel and all that.

It sounds like you are doing an incredible job, but realistically it may not be sustainable long term, for either you or your daughter.

Oh I feel for you op. There is no help we are alone.

People think there is help is laughable. I literally told social services if they don't put my child into care I'm going to hurt him as I can't take him attacking me and his sister constantly and remain calm much longer. He doesn't sleep. He smears shiti. Also has pica. He climbs out windows and o to cars or under cars. Tips over buggy or pushes other children. Almost killed his sister trying to push her into moving traffic. He's been kicked out of school because they can't manage to keep others safe with 2:1 so they leave him with me single mum to 3 kids because he's not safe in school 2 to fucking 1. My partner left he couldn't cope. Obviously I've had to quit work. Can't see friends. Poor benefits claiming broken person. I'm not even a person anymore I'm a carer wracked with guilt for the life of my other kids. And constantly judged by the world for not working and that it must be my parenting that causes the violence.

Where abouts are you OP? There is this place called Thomley in Oxfordshire that is great to go visit. 8foot fences loads of staff. I can actually get a coffee with a friend when we go there. Also a SEN mum. You will find people who understand once you hit school years and the friends are the only thing to keep you from having a breakdown. Also see if there is a local FB group for send parents they may have suggestions on safe places to go with kids who have no awareness of danger and eat everything.

People really need to know what is happening with the world of SEN. There is no help. You can fight for months or years to get help and it will be a fucking parenting course or they offer you something you can't access because of your child's needs.

I can't wish my son away but I know how you feel. If I didn't have other kids I'd honestly kill myself to escape this hell

I haven't read the entire thread and this won't help you directly but I've found Young Carers in my area do a lot for siblings in this situation with groups / visits etc so just throwing that out there for your DD. And hopefully more knowledgeable posters have added things that might help you and your DS more directly x

The majority end.

Absolutely consider adoption. There are thousands of families wanting to adopt a child with serious and complex problems, and I’m sure the OPs husband will have no issues with it at all! In fact, you could maybe leave him at the council on Monday, OP. Probably not open tomorrow.

(The above said sarcastically, in case that wasn’t obvious.)

FWIW, things will get better, if only because school will happen. And also, don’t forget that life with two children so close in age was always going to be challenging to an extent. That isn’t to be glib about the difficulties related to your DS, but it is a reality that life with two toddlers is just very hard work.

Through my job, yes. I have known people in OP’s position who have done just that.

I didn’t claim they ‘willingly turn up and collect your kids’. It isn’t something SS want to do at all, but it is something that can be done.

YABU. Your poor son. It's not his fault you chose to bring him into the world. He can't help who he is. He's also so young, there is a lot of time for his abilities to develop.
Have you looked into respite care?

@x2boys
There are foster carers who specialise in children with disabilities. I am one myself !
There are just not enough.of us to meet the demand for either respite or long term foster placements.
However the op could put her child into care on a section 20 which is a voluntary order . Whether the local authority could find a suitable placement is another matter .
And no.judgement from me as it is incredibly hard looking after children with such complex needs no.matter how much you love them.

Because it's not really a realistic option is it? There won't be people looking to adopt such a disabled child and I doubt there will be loving long term foster parents available. I also imagine the OP does not want him to be living in an environment where he is just managed or contained rather than loved forever.

I have nothing but immense respect for you OP and for your daughter. I am not going to insult you by attempting to offer advice or platitudes, but certainly no judgement here. Vent as much as you need.

Have you any experience with the UK care system?
Im assuming not?
Also children’s social care won’t just accept children under a section 20 and will often class this as ‘abandonment’. They don’t just willingly turn up and collect your kids and place them with a loving family who have their slippers warming ready. Honestly some people have no clue

Is he a year or two years away from school? Do you think the longer school days will help you feel more rested? I've felt this way with dd currently being assessed for ASD, and the relief knowing we are two days from starting school is unprecedented from how I felt two months ago.

Ffs 🙄

It’s up to each individual to decide what they are and aren’t prepared to/able to cope with, same as it is up to each individual to decide what is the best for them when it comes to dealing with their own situation.

It may be that this is something OP would consider, and want to do. It shouldn’t be treated as something unmentionable when it may be the right thing for her, her daughter and son. If that is the case she shouldn’t be shamed for it.

I hear you, both my DC (at different points, thank God) went through stages of screaming for over 18 hours a day. At one point I actually thought I was going to just drop down and die from the stress of it.

Yes, they are options, and ones that people do take. No one is forced to raise a child they cannot cope with, and placing a child into foster care is something a parent may choose to do.

not liking an option doesn’t stop it being one.

At 3 my son wasn't engaging much but has always been a calm and loving child. Now at 5.5 he doesn't play in the typical way with his older sister which is hard but has some words and we've just been on a holiday which he loved. His understanding is getting good too. Yes everyday is difficult but it got easier. I remember feeling life was bleak a couple of years ago but I've accepted our situation.
There's not much help out there but lots of support groups to vent. People talking about foster care, adoption etc please stop. It's not helpful and he's only 3.
I never imagined my life life like this but it is what it is.

Three years ago there was a lockdown and women were birthing in the most traumatic situations imaginable.

Some women went on to have another baby to "heal" them from their trauma.

Birth trauma has women loathing themselves, their babies, their birth partner and all the conversations at baby groups give them a chance to relive their trauma.

Does this sound like your experience?

You must be reading a different thread as there are definitely comments here saying they think it would be the best option.

Some of the comments here are terrible and speak about the child as if they are not human.

It's a very difficult situation but a profoundly disabled child placed into the care system will likely experience a life time of abuse. The care system is poor and disabled people speak constantly about their negative experiences with in it. Put a child who is unable to vocalise into that and they will be treated badly.

I appreciate it is hard, very hard and it is healthy for the OP to talk openly about and her feelings are valid, but the comments such as the one making out the child probably doesn't even understand they are part of a family unit etc are not true and jumping to encourage the OP to put her child into care instead of finding other ways to address how she is struggling and how she is feeling as if the child in this doesn't really matter because they are disabled are gross. The child is 3. There could be improvements when the child is able to access schooling and OP gets more time. It's very early to decide there is no hope to this situation.

@BrightGreenMoonBuggy children are placed in foster care if they are at risk of significant harm or abuse if they were to remain in their family home. There’s really no such thing as ‘putting your child in care’

For those suggesting adoption…when we adopted our DC there were many disabled children waiting to be adopted and in the past 3 years none of them had any prospective adopters express an interest in them. Again these children were removed from their birth families due to abuse or neglect NOT because their families couldn’t cope.

@Thehonestbadger i really feel for you. Our DC has some additional needs which have emerged since we adopted them and it’s a never ending, exhausting treadmill. I really hope you can access support for yourself. Are there any local groups for parents of kids with SEND on social media you could access, even if it’s just for a bit of emotional support?

I'm sorry but what is the point of this post? It's horrible.

@TomatoSandwiches 👏👏👏

I am so tired of Mumsnetters who come across threads like these and recommend residential care, respite services, DLA, “help” and “services”.

It’s a real insight into what most people believe is out there for families with complex disabled children. No wonder they all think us neurodivergent families are clamouring to get our children diagnosed - there’s so much help! 🙄

I have no advice at all, only sympathy. I can’t imagine how soul destroying this must be.

MIL works in a respite home for disabled children and she is exhausted after every single shift!

Yeah the idea that there's millions of loving Foster families ready and willing to take on extremely complex children is ludicrous.

Also, the reality of the care system, particularly for such vulnerable children, would horrify people.