To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

I've been working with ASD kids and parents for years and this stuff is incredibly common. I promise it will get easier. 3 is an incredibly tough age for a non-verbal child on the spectrum. And your friends and family will want to help out more in the future, too.

It's so great that you decided to let your feelings out on here. It must be tricky to not feel like you can talk to others about this. I hope you're able to talk to a specialist therapist about it, even if just online or over the phone.

Don't compare yourself to others online as they too are probably suffering behind the scenes and won't show the true reality ❤

Do you have a social worker ? If not get one and ask for direct payments to get a PA .. let them know you aren't coping and ask for help .

My son has SN and although nothing like yours he is hard work . I feel your pain.

In reality there isn't at least read the thread 🙄

I don’t think it is? There might be families with so much love to give but can’t have a child of their own. I feel that he would be better off in another family that can cope with him. The OP is struggling and miserable and it’s negatively impacting her other child.

How are things now OP?

You sound exhausted. Is there anyway you could some respite? That may give you time to relax/ spend some positive time with your little girl.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/social-care/social-care-england-children/support-available

from the Short Breaks (respite) section.

“Every local authority has a duty to publish a Short Breaks Services Statement and this should outline the types of short break provided by that authority, how to access these and how they have been designed to meet the needs of local carers. Most local authorities publish this information on their website or you can ask children’s services to send you a copy.”

@Positive41 are you a sw?

@Positive41 i don’t know your background, but in 25 years of social work I’ve not come across a situation where a parent says they don’t want to care for their child and social work response is “ok we’ll just place them in care”.

There would only be a parenting assessment if the parent wanted to care for the child. I am concerned as a SW that you do not know the facts. Emergency foster care is not only for a couple of nights. If that placement is no longer available, SS would need to find another placement. Honestly, please get some supervision from your managers.

We are digressing here. OP I know its hard and I wish you all the best x

Typo *ad hoc

That’s a shame the campaign didn’t work
I think I remember it (“this is my child?”)

If there was at least more public awareness of the difficulties some families face, communities might step up
For example people local to OP would be able to offer and hoc support eg drop a meal round (to save her having to cook&clear up)

Not fostered but my mother did just that on many occasions and then drove herself to the local psychiatric hospital where she spent about 6 weeks, came out, SS handed me back to the woman

Thats quite a different situation though, your mother couldn’t physically care for you while in hospital.

Getting a child placed on a Section 20 is far from straightforward - there was a thread recently about a mum trying to do that and the child was returned to her very quickly.

Children will be placed in foster care (you have emergency foster placements) if the parents relinquish care of them.

They might be placed overnight or for a couple of nights if no family could be found to care for them, but if there are no safeguarding concerns they’d be quickly returned home pending assessment - not least because you can’t assess parenting capacity if the child isn’t with their parents.

The thread has been massively derailed, and I’ve helped that, so I’m going to follow @Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme example and sit in my hands from here on in.

IIRC Mumsnet ran such a campaign years ago. It’s a waste of time. It all comes down to money. Local authorities can’t magic up services with money they do not have. It’s a scandal but it is what it is.

Our government hasn’t managed to keep mainstream schools in safe working order over the last 25 years - what hope do we have for adequate funding for the most vulnerable children in society?

Yep

For reasons I am not going into, but it was a BAD part of my Life, my youngest were put into Foster Care for six Months (many Years ago now).
The Police actually turned up and took them into "Protective Care", whilst I was sent off to hospital in an ambulance, and the social worker was informed.
They ended up being placed in the early hours, about 35 miles away, but a week or so on were able to be fostered locally, hence carried on at the school which was continuity for them in their destroyed little lives.
It is not something I regret, it had to be done..
I always saw them though,. 2 afternoons a week and half a Saturday.

I feel for you OP, I really do, and you are not wicked or evil or any of those things. You are struggling tremendously.

Jellycatspyjamas

*Children will be placed in foster care if their parents give the children up.

Do you honestly think you can just turn up at the social work office, leave your child and someone will foster them*

Not fostered but my mother did just that on many occasions and then drove herself to the local psychiatric hospital where she spent about 6 weeks, came out, SS handed me back to the woman
and then the cycle would begin again

So leaving a child in the care of SS and leaving is what did happen.
I know a few people who this happened to.

@Positive41
Yes you are right. It doesn't help when people categorically state facts that are completely wrong !
A parent has the right to request care for their child on a section 20 . Not that I am saying the OP should do that ( and indeed they have already said that they don't want to ) but it is an option nonetheless.

If she is, she is wrong.

Children will be placed in foster care (you have emergency foster placements) if the parents relinquish care of them. A very sad situation ,but you cannot force parents to keep their child. It happens sadly. In this situation, the local authority would have to find a placement for them. Of course, SS would do their best to work with the parents and keep the child with the family, if there are no safeguarding concerns.

@Jellycatspyjamas you’ve articulated what I’ve been trying to say so much better than I could! I’ve worked in different areas of children and families SW for almost 20 years and am now a few years into the journey of trying to get support for my own child. I recognise your name from another board I used to be active on so I think we may have some similar experiences both professionally and personally.

I’m conscious this thread has completely veered off track and the poor OP and her family have somewhat been sidelined. I’m going to sit on my hands now and try not to respond anymore to people who believe you can simply ‘put your kids into foster care’

@Thehonestbadger I really hope this thread has been helpful. Sounds like you’re doing everything you can to support your family and do what’s best for them. I’m in a WhatsApp group for families with kids with SEND and even if it’s just a quick message to moan or to celebrate a triumph that would seem insignificant to most families. It really does help to connect with other people who ‘get it’ and know they’re rooting for you

At last the voice of reason
Am I right I. Thinking you are a social.worker ?so.will know from a professional point of view how things work rather than a quick Google

I am, it’s possible to relinquish a child with disabilities but not remotely easy, or quick, nor does it bring the benefits people think it might. The assessment process by its very nature can leave parents feeling inadequate, blamed and vulnerable, because the assessment needs to explore your parenting skills which can feel very exposing. You’ll be offered parenting classes (which aren’t fit for purpose), family support (which often explains the stuff you know but can’t do, because of the child’s needs) and so it goes on, because to take a child into care even voluntarily the local authority needs to show this is the only/best option for that child.

Specialist placements are very few and far between so a child might be placed somewhere deemed “good enough”, but that doesn’t meet their needs fully, particularly if a child needs 1:1 supervision at all times which is eye wateringly expensive. In all honesty as a mum I’d use the threat of family breakdown to force some kind of regular support but even then what’s provided is minimal and may not be what the parent actually wants or needs. There simply isn’t the level of resource people think is out there.

Yes third sector organisations do some amazing work, but these services are funded by local authorities who will allocate places to those deemed most in need, which usually means the family has been in dire straits for a long time and have exhausted every other option. Such is the state of public services.

It’s not an option you can simply request and be given. The process is long, tricky, highly emotional taking a huge amount of time and emotional energy, when you have none to spare. And in the meantime you still have to parent the child.

Yes, I’m responding to your comments on it. That’s how forums generally work.

You don’t have to engage, yet here you are choosing to.

No one is saying it's golden ticket and the op's child will not experience anything like the scenario you are suggesting.
They are not going to be abandoned at at school or have any awareness.
Why are you being so insensitive

I already have said what helped me you however just keep.arguing with me about fostering .

I was just about to suggest the need for a campaign for better services, it is a scandal at what little is available

You first 🤷🏻‍♀️

You aren’t being forced to address comments about foster care. You don’t need to like it, but you can choose to ignore mention of it.

At last the voice of reason
Am I right I. Thinking you are a social.worker ?so.will know from a professional point of view how things work rather than a quick Google