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AIBU?

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Original poster

My partner's uninvited guest has turned up 5 hours early...

581 replies

Cynicaltheorist · 31/08/2023 14:03

My partner is involved in organising an event tomorrow and was cornered into offering a bed tonight for a person who's coming fro a distance. He doesn't know this guy. There have been a number of increasingly infuriating phone calls about arrival times etc. This bloke seems chaotic and doesn't seem to be able to manage directions. I've been really, really busy for the last week and a guest was the last thing I needed. I insisted that this man doesn't arrive before my partner is home from work at 7pm, by which time I will (probably) have finished what I need to do and be in a fit state to host.

The guy has just phoned to say he's a few minutes from our home. He phoned my partner and my partner told him he can come straight here. I'm right in the middle of my work, I haven't had a shower this morning and the breakfast things are still all over the kitchen. I'm so angry with my partner. He's always doing things like this. This guy is going to arrive shortly, he's told me he hasn't had any lunch so presumably will expect me to make him a sandwich. Who the hell turns up five hours early? So bloody rude and entitled.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2023 09:25

GLORIAGloriarse · 01/09/2023 09:21

It occurs to someone on every thread involving unusual (usually male) behaviour.

Why would it be the OP's responsibility to manage this? Also, it wasn't about the man not making deductions for himself, it was about him ignoring a request to leave the house.

Show quote history

All of this. Fucking hell. If I had a £ for every post that dismissed a man's horrible behaviour because they might have ASD, I'd be the richest person alive.

Having ASD makes it impossible for one to understand a clear request to leave and come back later? Come on now.

BetterWithPockets · 01/09/2023 09:25

OP, I’d be seething! I hope your DP has been HUGELY apologetic and learned his lesson! Also — who accepts an offer of free accommodation but ignores the hosts’ requests (turn up after 7 etc etc) AND then interrupts a work meeting to ask for some food…?

GLORIAGloriarse · 01/09/2023 09:21

User353463 · 01/09/2023 09:17

Has it occurred to anyone that the guest might actually be an adult with ASD/ADHD rather than an entitled prick? "This bloke seems chaotic and doesn't seem to be able to manage directions." is a giveaway. Arriving too early and saying he didn't eat lunch also seems pretty typical of autistic literal thinking and are behaviours that are not intended to be rude but misinterpreted as such.

ASD logic - I've arrived early, I'll go to the place I was supposed to stay for the night. I didn't have lunch yet so I will mention that if it comes up in conversation.

(ASD thinking does not make "jumps" such as realising that by saying you didn't have lunch, it's actually an insinuation that the other person needs to cook and prepare food for you and can be socially offensive in certain circumstances. It's simply a literal statement of a fact that they have not had lunch)

NT Logic - I've arrived early. I cannot go to my host yet because our arranged time was X o'clock and she may be busy with other activities. Especially as I don't know her at all, it would be rude of me show up earlier than expected. I didn't have lunch yet so that's a perfect way to kill some time. I will find a restaurant and do some sightseeing until it's time to show up. Good opportunity to look for a host gift as well.

Show quote history

It occurs to someone on every thread involving unusual (usually male) behaviour.

Why would it be the OP's responsibility to manage this? Also, it wasn't about the man not making deductions for himself, it was about him ignoring a request to leave the house.

User353463 · 01/09/2023 09:17

Sennelier1 · 31/08/2023 22:21

This guest is an adult and does not have any special needs? Then WHY can this man not go into town, buy himself a meal, spend some time browsing bookshops or whatever, and then turn up at your house at the exact time convened? He might even bring you a small bouquet to thank you for hosting him!

Has it occurred to anyone that the guest might actually be an adult with ASD/ADHD rather than an entitled prick? "This bloke seems chaotic and doesn't seem to be able to manage directions." is a giveaway. Arriving too early and saying he didn't eat lunch also seems pretty typical of autistic literal thinking and are behaviours that are not intended to be rude but misinterpreted as such.

ASD logic - I've arrived early, I'll go to the place I was supposed to stay for the night. I didn't have lunch yet so I will mention that if it comes up in conversation.

(ASD thinking does not make "jumps" such as realising that by saying you didn't have lunch, it's actually an insinuation that the other person needs to cook and prepare food for you and can be socially offensive in certain circumstances. It's simply a literal statement of a fact that they have not had lunch)

NT Logic - I've arrived early. I cannot go to my host yet because our arranged time was X o'clock and she may be busy with other activities. Especially as I don't know her at all, it would be rude of me show up earlier than expected. I didn't have lunch yet so that's a perfect way to kill some time. I will find a restaurant and do some sightseeing until it's time to show up. Good opportunity to look for a host gift as well.

RampantIvy · 01/09/2023 09:16

CrazyArmadilloLady · 31/08/2023 20:43

Presumably he was made aware he wasn't to arrive till after 7?

Well, no, he wouldn’t have been.

I can cast-iron guarantee the OP’s feckless partner never actually told him he couldn’t arrive until after 7pm.

I was wondering this as well. If he didn't know that his work colleague's partner was unaware that he was coming or that he would be far too early I feel a little sorry for him.

If I had just driven 300 miles I wouldn't expect to have a hostile reception or to be told to go away for 5 hours and come back later, so I kind of feel that the OP is being a little unfair.

NoYohgurtAgain · 01/09/2023 08:41

I feel your pain OP. My DH has form for this too. The worst was when he didn’t prep for his parents visit. Left me to do it but I’d been really busy. I’d landed to do it the day before they arrived. They arrived a day early!! With one hours notice.

I had to get the bed linen out of the laundry basket and put it back on the bed. Yuk!! They didn’t care. I did!

Coffeetree · 01/09/2023 08:26

Really it's on you for opening the door OP. You should have kept working and reminded your partner that he needed to come accommodate his guest.

Inviting him in but then telling him to drop off his bags and go to the cinema was weird and passive aggressive OP, sorry. You got the worst of both worlds: interrupted your own work, let your partner off the hook, and made a big show of grumpiness to a guy who had accepted an invitation.

His behaviour was certainly weird after that. I mean if I showed up at someone's house and was met with that, I'd turn right around and find a hotel. But it was a nightmare of mixed messages for him.

Catsmere · 01/09/2023 08:25

Planesmistakenforstars · 01/09/2023 08:10

WHAT HAPPENED

Well, people have been sniping at OP for acting on her own level of comfort rather than anyone else's, so she's unlikely to be back.

Only after she started sniping at other women for expressing very rational concerns about having an unknown, boundary-pushing man (who'd already refused to leave her house) alone with her there for hours.

Mikimoto · 01/09/2023 08:21

I think the guest is far worse than the partner!!
"I want to lie down"!! Who the hell does that, when your (kind, imposed-upon) host has just said she's busy and could you call back?!

Planesmistakenforstars · 01/09/2023 08:10

WHAT HAPPENED

Well, people have been sniping at OP for acting on her own level of comfort rather than anyone else's, so she's unlikely to be back.

JFDIYOLO · 01/09/2023 07:58

WHAT HAPPENED

CrazyArmadilloLady · 01/09/2023 07:25

Caroparo52 · 01/09/2023 06:13

Don't let him in until partner comes home.
Fuck that. Neither of you know him.

RTFT.

Spyral · 01/09/2023 07:17

Caroparo52 · 01/09/2023 06:13

Don't let him in until partner comes home.
Fuck that. Neither of you know him.

Did you notice the time that the OP was posted? And day actually??!

Caroparo52 · 01/09/2023 06:13

Don't let him in until partner comes home.
Fuck that. Neither of you know him.

whateveryouwantmetosay · 01/09/2023 06:03

OP: "AIBU?"
Mumsnet: "no! That's so bad!"
OP: "stop scaremongering"

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Catsmere · 01/09/2023 05:41

AgentJohnson · 01/09/2023 05:33

Your partner is a prick and I would text him that you won’t be letting him in. Your partner always pulls this kind of shit because he’s a coward who feels entitled to dump the consequences of his cowardice onto you. He’s your partner’s houseguest, not yours.

Sadly it's much too late for that - read OP's updates about what he did when he arrived.

AgentJohnson · 01/09/2023 05:33

Your partner is a prick and I would text him that you won’t be letting him in. Your partner always pulls this kind of shit because he’s a coward who feels entitled to dump the consequences of his cowardice onto you. He’s your partner’s houseguest, not yours.

daisychain01 · 01/09/2023 04:07

Please stop projecting your fear of guests and men onto me. We are normally sociable and happy to welcome guests, but we had a guest last week and I have family from abroad coming next week and my work is hectic at the moment.

incredulous that you were soooo busy wfh but managed to find the time to post a detailed thread on here.

And you're already very well versed and sociable about receiving guests and yet you decide you need advice from MN.

And then have a go at people for pointing out that your partner is a spineless idiot for getting railroaded into receiving someone into his house when he wasn't even going to be back for hours, leaving you to deal with it. And that you could have not done a good impression of a doormat by letting the stranger in to march up to "his room" like it's AirBnB for a lie down.

you really couldn't make it up.

Fraaahnces · 01/09/2023 04:06

I don’t know why you didn’t tell him that you’re not running a B&B, and frankly he’s incredibly rude rocking up so early and expecting you to stop working to entertain him.

Catsmere · 01/09/2023 04:00

RestMasks · 31/08/2023 22:47

Yes, this is essentially what I thought, I'm afraid, OP.

Though i agree that living in fear is no way to live I think it is foolish in the extreme to scoff at women who see having a strange man in their home as a risk (including those who have actually done so and suffered exactly the consequences you dismiss).

The fact he's an acquaintance of your husband's colleague's (cat's aunt's grandmother) in no way makes him any less of a stranger to you.

Also please note that you now know that this is a man who has absolutely no regard for a woman's "no". He has absolutely no respect for you and what you want or say, in your own home. That bumps him significantly up the risk meter in my book.

Show quote history

All this. OP isn't "difficult" she's just sending out Not Like Other Girls vibes, as a PP said, sniping at women who've offered sympathy and expressed concern. She wasn't "difficult" with this boundary-breaking random in her house at all, and given DP seems to have a history of pulling this sort of shit, I'd say he knows she's likely to bow to his demands, even if he is a spineless twerp himself.

ChubbyMorticia · 01/09/2023 03:34

You’re kinder than I am. I’d have messaged back, “I’m unavailable until after 7, so hopefully you can occupy yourself until then.” and ignored the door completely.

Then I’d have messaged my partner and ripped a strip off of him for not respecting my work, time or autonomy by volunteering me for this, and warned him that either he dealt with it, or the next text I sent would be telling his guest his work address so the guy could hang out with him at HIS work, since obviously work comes second to hosting in his mind.

I absolutely LOATHE the attitude some people have that WFH isn’t a REAL job, so of COURSE you’re available to come running when they whistle.

Neither of them respect you, that’s clear. The good news/bad news is, only one of them will still be in your house after the weekend.

RLmadmum · 01/09/2023 02:47

Well you called it OP, came looking for you to feed him whilst you were working! You're handling this a lot better then I would have, well played! Definitely get some boundaries put into place though with your partner, you've been royally screwed over here.

JimnJoyce · 01/09/2023 02:22

really hope you've had a good night out Op

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2023 01:35

Your partner is an absolute dickhead. The level of disregard he has for your feelings is shocking.

nettie434 · 01/09/2023 01:25

Newestname002 · 01/09/2023 01:08

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants

How difficult is it to stop for a meal, a sandwich etc.

Agreed. But he seems to have thought the little woman doing her little job at home would provide for his needs. He'd outmanoeuvred the weak DP, managed to physically get himself into OP's home several hours earlier than had originally been agreed and outmanoeuvred her by lying down on the bed he'd managed to blag instead of going out as she suggested, so why wouldn't he think she'd provide food and drink instead of doing her job? 🌹

Yes to this! In her first post the OP wrote 'This bloke seems chaotic and doesn't seem to be able to manage directions'. Maybe he is but he still managed to arrive at the OP's house at a time of his choosing, stay in the house when the OP would have preferred him to go away for a few hours, and was capable of ordering himself a takeaway after trying to make the OP give him lunch.