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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my own face, to the point where I want to hide indoors

42 replies

CutiePatooties · 30/08/2023 07:10

I feel like I don’t want to go outside any more.

I have frown lines on my forehead, deep laughter lines, a large nose, a massive forehead, lots of chins (double on double) blackheads, large open pores, I’m obese, my teeth are yellowing, big fat cheeks, one of my fillings are showing through my tooth at the side so the tooth looks grey, thin lips.

People have always guessed me as being older than I am. Whenever I’ve put nice make up on in the past people have said I have nice make up rather than say I look pretty etc. When I was about to get married I was so upset about how fat I am that someone said ‘at least you have nice skin - just focus on that.’ Like that’s the only thing they could compliment me on, but a year later and my skin is bad now as well, so there’s no good point to pull out.

Even when I was thin, I was never attractive enough for a guy to stay with me. My DH didn’t want to marry me, but I got pregnant quickly and after years of nagging him he eventually passed me a box with a ring inside and said ‘we’ll do it one day.’ That was my proposal. Before then, any guy I got with only used me as a filler and once a better woman came along (didn’t take long) they ran. DH’s ex-wife was stunning (we were friends before she divorced him and he used to talk about how stunning she was all the time). He never tells me I look good.

I’m due to go back to work tomorrow after having the summer holidays off and I don’t want to go in and see people. I’ve managed to stay indoors for a majority of the hols, only going out to take kids out and we’ve gone to places I know we won’t see anyone we know. I just really would prefer to stay inside and have no one see me. My anxiety about going back to work is through the roof (not just because of looks, but this certainly doesn’t help).

AIBU and focussing on this too much or have others ever felt the same?

OP posts:
Mamai90 · 30/08/2023 09:24

I was like this in my mid teens and early/mid twenties. I had severe acne, my skin was absolutely awful. It stopped me having a relationship, I couldn't even look people in tbe face, could barely hold down a job because I didn't want to be seen, I only went out at night and I always carried a mirror checking the light in every place I went, people often thought it was because I was so vain but I was just so self conscious. I also had issues with my weight even though I wasn't over weight my bmi was close to 25 and I felt like a whale compared to friends, I regularly starved myself and was referred to an eating disorder clinic, I guess most of my calories came from alcohol which I used as a crutch going out drinking heavily 4 nights a week. I hated the way I looked, it ruined a good 10 years of my life and caused addiction issues. My self esteem was on the floor.

Even after my skin was sorted out I was left with large pores and mild scarring. After having kids I've gained weight too although at 40 I'm more confident than I was 20 years ago but I still have days where I don't want to leave the house so I can definitely empathise with you. I don't have much advice because for me it got better with age but I still struggle some days.

waistchallenge · 30/08/2023 09:23

By the way, big cheeks are a positive thing, people pay good money for that! 🤗

RedDoughnut · 30/08/2023 09:18

There is a 'Princessing' thread recently.
Maybe if you make small changes you will feel better?
I'm trying to use body lotion more often as I have dry skin I neglect.
Just an example
I'm also on a diet. There are loads of weight loss threads that are friendly.
Or start your own?
16 weeks (117 days ) to Christmas. You could make a load of positive changes by then.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 30/08/2023 09:17

If you're this unhappy then why not do something about it?

I know that sounds really trite and throwaway but you only have one life - no point spending it in misery when there things you can actively do to change how you feel and how you behave.

user1492757084 · 30/08/2023 09:15

Invest in a personal trainer who will likely improve your fitness and self esteem. They are used to seeing the potential and supporting your goals.
Invest in a monthly facial.
Are you artistic or do you have a few great skills? Take up a hobby that uses your skills and make friends with people who appreciate you and what you enjoy.

waistchallenge · 30/08/2023 09:10

I have broadly the same issues and feel the same way, except that I managed to get the weight off. That is one that you can control and if you do it, it would kick-start you feeling better about yourself, especially if you include exercise in your weight loss schedule.

Other things you mention are also addressable with dentistry, botox and skincare.

readingismycardio · 30/08/2023 09:09

OP - I am so sorry you feel this way.

most (if not all) of your issues with your appearance are fixable - either with time & discipline, either with a bit of money (you haven't mentioned your financial situation), HOWEVER, I do believe you need therapy as well as this has a terrible effect on your mental health. Therapy could help you get to the root of the issue and teach you how to be gentle to yourself.

Wishing you best of luckFlowers

TheBeautifulLisette · 30/08/2023 09:06

TheLostNights · 30/08/2023 09:02

I feel the same. Particularly self conscious of my nose. I read it can actually get bigger as you age and I have found that. It really upsets me when I look in the mirror and see how long it is and looking at from the side is really upsetting. Not to mention all my other strange and horrible features.

I also feel the same a lot of the time and am aware that it’s some type of dysmorphia. (In my case it seems to be getting worse in perimenopause and I will be bringing it up at my consult next week.)

Life’s too short for this bullshit, let’s get help!

TheLostNights · 30/08/2023 09:02

I feel the same. Particularly self conscious of my nose. I read it can actually get bigger as you age and I have found that. It really upsets me when I look in the mirror and see how long it is and looking at from the side is really upsetting. Not to mention all my other strange and horrible features.

Layinwait · 30/08/2023 08:56

Op you’re focussing on the last 6 weeks and fact they’ve been out and about

this is MUCH bigger than just the last 6 weeks and unquestionably will have a long term impact on them if you don’t address this

AuntieMarys · 30/08/2023 08:55

It will impact them because other people are taking them out. What do you do when they're out?
You can take steps to improve your appearance but as others have said, you need to visit gp.

Springcleaninginsummer · 30/08/2023 08:52

Your GP will be able to arrange a counsellor who will listen without judgement and help you to get these thoughts into perspective. You have made a brave first step posting here. Please do follow it through by seeking help, though.

You deserve to be out in the sunshine and living life with your kids, not having to send them off with other people. Flowers

Original poster
CutiePatooties · 30/08/2023 08:42

Ok, I’ll contact the GP. Thank you for the replies.

Just have to say though, that just because I’ve stayed in for the majority of the 6 weeks, doesn’t mean the children have.

I’ve taken them to a holiday park for 4 days, to the zoo and to Peppa Pig world. (Again, where I knew we wouldn’t see people we know). I take them round my mum’s house so I’m still indoors, or MIL collects them and takes them out and DH takes them to the local park every week, or if DD1 has a party to go to etc, he’ll take her.

Just because I’ve only been out in public 6 times over the 6 weeks, doesn’t mean they have as well. Obviously I don’t want this impacting on them, so they still go out and do things and do go out locally, but MIL or DH take them.

I don’t talk about my looks in front of them either. In fact I don’t talk about this to anyone, as I don’t have anyone in my life who’ll listen. So sorry to sound dumb, but how will it seriously impact on them if they still go out and enjoy life and they have no idea how I feel about my looks? I’m worried now.

OP posts:
Layinwait · 30/08/2023 07:33

This won’t just be impacting you op

this will be seriously impacting your children

This sounds serious. Very serious. Please book to see a Gp and handover this op for them to read if you feel uncomfortable

ImGoingThroughChanges · 30/08/2023 07:26

I think you have a serious problem. Stop looking in the mirror, remove the mirrors if you have to. Find an unrelated hobby to focus on. And seek psychological help. Your life can be so much better and more enjoyable than this. Don’t continue down this path. Best of luck x

PurpleChrayne · 30/08/2023 07:24

Stop obsessing about your looks. The majority of people won't even register, and the rest wont give your appearance a second thought so it's really not worth wasting time worrying about.

Doingmybest12 · 30/08/2023 07:16

This is impacting on your daily life, relationships and children's lives. This is not a healthy way to live, I think you should seek counselling or see your gp about the anxiety. You need to find a way to live with yourself. Most people have some doubts, some days they feel less confident, somethings they want to change but this level of self criticism isn't usual.