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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Dontknowwhatjusthappened · 29/08/2023 22:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

toomuchlaundry · 29/08/2023 22:06

@FishyTree are you the abusive DH?

SmellyCat1985 · 29/08/2023 22:04

You’re so much better than what this man has resigned you to OP. I think you need to put you and your children first and leave.

You all deserve better than this man. Your children deserve to see you as you are, a strong and intelligent woman.

Flounder2022 · 29/08/2023 22:03

FishyTree · 29/08/2023 21:12

@Dontknowwhatjusthappened

The whole purpose of a SAHP is to support the working parent by providing childcare and housework support. That means being on duty during the working week and taking the pressure off the working parent.

The vast majority of working parents do not get an hour to themselves on weeknights so Imo it is extremely generous of the DH to facilitate a parent who does not work to have this!

Am I actually reading this? I must surely be taking you up wrong or are you actually saying the OP should be so grateful to be 'allowed' an hour upstairs on her own??

Hibiscrubbed · 29/08/2023 22:03

@FishyTree your views are just repellant.

TD7 · 29/08/2023 22:01

controlling twat …insecure too you deserve better no respect you have a right to a life to hope you find the strength to say listen twat I’m going like it or not fuck you

skinnytobe · 29/08/2023 21:59
  1. Get yourself back to work.
  1. Divorce the abusive arse
  1. Claim maintenance and set up time for him with his children,

Enjoy your child free time when they are with their father :)

Hope you're safe OP

Original poster
rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 21:58

Hi again. (kids are asleep and jobs done)

To the PP who said I was 'wet' and the other PP that said I I should be grateful for an hour alone a day in my bedroom... it's comments like this that makes me doubt myself.

I am not wet at all. I am strong and that's why I am posting because I knew deep down it isn't correct. It has just been this way for so long that I don't know what is normal anymore. Add in a few kids/pandemic/family loss I just don't know anymore.

I wish I could show my husband this thread because 99% is so correct. I just know he will focus on the 1% and use the odd comment to berate me. It doesn't matter that the other comments agree with me, he will definitely focus on the comments that support him.

I was screamed at again tonight when I tried to have a conversation. I am so tired. I won't allow shouting in front of my kids (eldest was still awake, but I thought he was asleep when I started the chat with DH) so I went to bed.

I'm in bed now. Tomorrow is a new day.

Thank you for everyone's support. My mind is swirling. I am a clever person, I got a degree but never used it. I'm not stupid, I know I am not!

Thanks again for the support. I will be reading and re-reading these comments all night. They give me strength. I'm going to need it for tomorrow morning x

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 29/08/2023 21:55

So let me summarise:

He put his cock in your vagina knowing you may end up pregnant - you did and had three children - now he doesn't want do anything really as their dad.

He married you - now he controls everything you do and all of the money - ruins your confidence - isolates you - doesn't appreciate you - restricts you and puts you down.

He's practically enslaved you and made it very difficult for you to leave him.

I think the sooner you start planning your exit with the help of your mum, the better. It might take a while though. Don't let your children watch and learn his abusive patterns, remember you are the parent responsible for their happiness clear. That narcissistic arsehole you unfortunately married does not care about your or their happiness, only his own.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2023 21:53

@TaiDee wonder if it's OPs arsehole. husband!!

Viviennemary · 29/08/2023 21:51

Ok maybe he is obliged to be available during his so called working hours but it does seem a rather strange set up. He has got the life of Riley and You are stuck with child,minding and domestic chores and can't even meet a friend. Not on.

Bogeyes · 29/08/2023 21:51

Make your plans and divorce this controlling twat. Things won't change.

caramacyears · 29/08/2023 21:46

TaiDee · 29/08/2023 21:17

Shouldn’t we all take a moment to welcome first-time poster, @FishyTree , to Mumsnet?

😂

morbidd · 29/08/2023 21:46

LTB.

rainingsnoring · 29/08/2023 21:45

You aren't doing anything wrong.
He's vile and abusive and you need to find an exit strategy.

caramacyears · 29/08/2023 21:43

FishyTree · 29/08/2023 20:45

Clearly, the way he spoke to you was wrong. However, ultimately you are a SAHM and your role is to provide childcare and housework support to enable your DH to work.

Your DH is working during the day. Whether that is attending an office or playing golf is irrelevant. It is ludicrous in my view to declare that he has to watch the kids during his working hours.

You are a SAHM- you cannot just saunter off for lunch and leave the DC to your DH while he is working.

No no no @FishyTree No

Nosleepforthismum · 29/08/2023 21:40

I’m also a SAHM to 2 kids under 2 and my DH owns his own business and can have some flexibility-although not to the extent of your DH-but when he has a free couple of hours he’ll be at home helping or taking one or both kids out to give me a break. I even semi regularly go away for the night to visit family or friends in their different locations and leave the kids behind. It’s really important for your own mental health to get away from the kids every now and then and remember that you are a person too and not just “mum”.

Your DH is being a spectacular arsehole and I suspect it’s because he feels he can’t handle all three kids on his own (needs more practice) and that he loves the status quo because who wouldn’t? He’s living the dream while you take on all the domestic drudgery. Sounds like you’d actually be better off without him - certainly financially! He’s a fucker for handing over an “allowance”. I don’t know a single marriage in real life that does this. As for the comment about “getting it through your thick skull” would have sent me into a murderous rage so yep, my advice would be to stay super nice and compliant, get access to all his business accounts and hire a shit hot lawyer to divorce that bastard.

Lavender14 · 29/08/2023 21:36

I can understand him not wanting to commit to being available for childcare when he's working from home so he's free to respond if needed and I also have a job that involves socialising as a big part of my role so I get that too. But if any man said I needed to get it through my "thick skull" I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship. No man should ever think it's acceptable to speak to you so disrespectfully. If I asked for this my dh would book the day as A/l or finish early on flexi time to encourage me to have time to myself. You need to sit down with your husband and discuss when and how you can both facilitate you having time for yourself in the week on a regular basis. If he can't accommodate that on evenings and weekends then it's more about control than it is about work. I'd definitely be challenging him on the way he spoke to you as well if you feel it's safe to do so.

Tbh I'd be thinking about what savings you have, what money you have in your own name and what changes you might need to make so that in future if you decide you aren't happy there, you have the option to leave.

WeAreBorg · 29/08/2023 21:30

definitely leave him, this is nightmarish!
and if @FishyTree has miraculously managed to acquire a wife then she needs to leave him/them/it asap too

Best to avoid golf playing men in general as they are always arseholes

Mumuser124 · 29/08/2023 21:29

@TaiDee

Well that would be rather idiotic considering The Op stated in her first post that she had named changed... However,If the shoes fits, knock yourself out :)

Mari9999 · 29/08/2023 21:28

Sadly, this is just another tale of a woman who has traded her financial independence and self respect for the role of a dependent to a domineering man.
Pre teens and teenagers receive allowances and need permission to go out with friends.

Her problem is not the time spent playing golf. Many, many, deals and agreements are made on the golf course.

Her problem is that she presents herself as a dependent rather than a partner and her husband in turn treats her like a child.

She needs to find a job and reclaim her self respect. It does not matter what he wants. Better for her to receive a wage than an allowance. With a wage she joins the ranks of working adults. She should contribute to the cost of child care. Better her children experience as a working adult than a poorly treated older sibling.

It Is likely that seeing her treated as child who commands no respect that they will have no respect for as well. All of the good things in the household will be made possible through dads efforts. She in not enabling dad to be successful. He could afford to pay for housekeeping and child care. She is perpetuating his ability to treat her as a poorly regarded child.

Tired6789 · 29/08/2023 21:27

I'm really sorry, this is a horrible way to be treated. He should absolutely help more and you really are asking for the bare minimum of help.

Mumuser124 · 29/08/2023 21:27

Op, I really hope that your allowance is worth the lack of freedom because your situation sounds incredibly suffocating!!

My husband is a high earner and suggested I stay at home and look after the kids/home and he would take care of the costs etc. The idea sounds great in theory but the reality (yours), sounds nightmarish.

I work 21 hours a week (5-12pm) and still do the lions share of house work and childcare but the fact that I work means that I insist he helps out with the children. We probably have a 30/70 split in terms of childcare.

I really would rather not work, but not at the expense of being a slave within my own marriage.

Doteycat · 29/08/2023 21:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FFS
This is why we hide our internet history.

Rockschooldropout · 29/08/2023 21:24

You are being abused - manipulated- controlled ..
he expects you to parent the dcs 24/7 .. He “allows” you an hour every day without the dcs .. tells you you can’t go out - financially controls you …
no doubt expects dinner on the table … sex in tap …..
he’s living his best life while he has a live in nanny/ housekeeper

his comment about getting it into your thick skull .. sent chills through me .. he has zero regard or care for you OP
my ex h said the exact same thing when I confronted him about his affair , right before he dragged me down the hall by my hair
I called the Domestic abuse unit the next day .
Please look into getting away from this horrible man

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