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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Happyandtired · 30/08/2023 08:50

I've just read your update about how your hubby would focus on the comments supporting him.

Well.....I told my husband your situation and read your posts to him and his response was......"well none of my friends or myself would ever do business with someone like that if we knew. She's basically his servant and the allowance is laughable. Imagine treating your wife and the mother of your kids worse than shit"

We had a chat about how people seem to be brainwashed into thinking that because you are comfortable enough to stay home with the kids, that seems to equate to working 24/7 and a put up and shut up mentality. This is so so so wrong and I know deep down you know that.

With that being said....my mum was in a few abusive relationships, kids see/hear everything and they will know exactly who you both are. It's a case of finding your limit, everyone on here can tell you to leave but its easier said than done. My mum always said she knew her limit, shame it wasn't with the first hit, or the time she was denied food, or the time my sister was called an "it" by her then boyfriend. Cos that would have saved a lot of therapy all round and the outcome was the same regardless. I sincerely hope you find your fire. Another big hug from me x

Comtesse · 30/08/2023 08:48

Ahhh OP don’t put up with this nonsense. You are much better than this - stay strong and keep swimming

Monkeytoy · 30/08/2023 08:38

Your OP made me feel really uncomfortable. He sounds really controlling and nasty.

Middlelanehogger · 30/08/2023 08:36

OP, LTB but when you're explaining the situation, lead with the "thick skull" comments which are a really horrible way to talk to someone, the fact that you have no access to the joint accounts, and the fact that you're not allowed time away from the kids even on weekends/evenings after work.

The no childcare during work hours thing would be reasonable under a more loving/caring relationship and it's probably why you've got people commenting about that. It's a red herring. I do know people who have this kind of setup but none of the husbands talk to their wives like this.

billy1966 · 30/08/2023 02:14

OP, do not show him this thread.

He is a highly abusive man.

You are being abused.

This is coercive control.

Which is a crime.

You desperately need to contact Women's aid for a chat, support and advice.

Reach out to friends and family.

Tell the truth.

This is not a good man.

Yolo12345 · 30/08/2023 01:46

If you accept this now it will only get worse. Tell him "hey, I just want to let you know that this current situation isn't working for me". I'm going to have a very hard think about what I can do to change this as I KNOW that asking for a couple of hours to myself is NOT unreasonable. Then see what he says.

ceriselily · 30/08/2023 00:40

I rarely post multiple times on threads, even when I name change a lot, but I have felt compelled to post many times because I just want to say I hope you find the strength to leave. The fact he's screamed at you is a massive red flag and hopefully the impetus you need to leave. Good luck and please take care of yourself and your children.

Screamingabdabz · 30/08/2023 00:18

Please don’t listen to @FishyTree they are either a troll or have serious issues (or both).

Please think of your children who are learning from you as a relationship model for their own futures.

And what you are both modelling is that your DH is a self serving prick who does not love or respect you as a human being in your own right. And you have been abused and coerced into being the unpaid cook, nanny and bottle washer. And more. You are essentially his handmaid.

Please take legal advice and see what your options are. You shouldn’t be abused for wanting an afternoon to yourself. Most decent men wouldn’t bat an eyelid and would want you to enjoy yourself.

babbscrabbs · 30/08/2023 00:00

It's one thing to say sorry no I can't look after the kids as I might have to do some work.

To call you thick, insult you and start ww3 because you asked is absolutely abusive. And that's before we get onto the other stuff.

Please don't cancel. That's letting him win. Pay for a babysitter for a few hours and enjoy yourself with your friend.

Is your DH wealthy?

Ohthatsabitshit · 29/08/2023 23:53

i honestly wouldn’t engage with discussions about increasing your allowance. Just go ahead and arrange what’s needed and if there’s not enough for other things he’ll have to pick up the tab or step up. Don’t ask, just do. You are not his employee.

ClairDeLaLune · 29/08/2023 23:50

LTB for the thick skull comment alone. He’s a controlling abusive twat who has no respect for you.

wordler · 29/08/2023 23:45

You need to get your “allowance” increased to include childcare hours and find a local babysitter so that you can have your childfree time without having to rely on his whims.

Use this breathing space to get your head around what you’d need to do to get back into the workplace as soon as all three kids are in school full time.

Spywoman · 29/08/2023 23:37

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Spywoman · 29/08/2023 23:36

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Needmoresleep · 29/08/2023 23:35

Work hours? Book annual leave.

MsRosley · 29/08/2023 23:35

Jesus Christ, OP, this reads like some kind of SOS from the 1950s. I hope you find the strength and support to get yourself and your kids out of this situation.

Caffeineislife · 29/08/2023 23:33

@FishyTree must be a troll. That or an abusive arsehole defending another abusive arsehole.

Either way, completely ignore them OP.

Ohthatsabitshit · 29/08/2023 23:30

Wimpeyspread · 29/08/2023 22:58

How do you propose she does that if she has no access to family money?

Show quote history

With the “allowance” she is given.

Throwingpots · 29/08/2023 23:29

This is such an awful sad post, what a way to treat your partner in life, the person you are supposed to love. If you were my daughter being treated so disrespectfully I’d be livid. You deserve much better, someone who’ll want to do things to make you happy, not treat you like a maid. Why the hell is he doing something wonderful by giving you an hour in your room a day, big bloody deal. It’s time you realised you’re worth as much as him, and deserve to be treated as an equal, and with some respect.
Please stand up for yourself, or things will only get worse. Best of luck

PoshPineapple · 29/08/2023 23:20

No, this is awful.

I really hope he's got everything else going for him by the bucket load. But even then, I'd still struggle with this.

mathanxiety · 29/08/2023 23:20

ladeluge · 29/08/2023 17:41

When you are in the middle of it you often can't see the horror of your situation as others see it. I am so sorry but I could not live like that.

I don't know your circumstances but I wouldn't be surprised if you have very little control of your share of family money. You have few friends, family are not near you and you feel trapped. If I am wrong about this then you have the motive, means and opportunity to get away permanently. I doubt your situation will improve. One step out of line and there will be hell to pay.

If you ARE somewhat trapped call Women's Aid for a chat. Now.

THIS ^

mathanxiety · 29/08/2023 23:18

You are married to an abuser.

You need to take steps to end this "marriage" in which you are a prisoner in your own home from 9-5 daily.

menopausalbloat · 29/08/2023 23:12

So he's in full control?
What a fking horrible, abusive situation to be in.
I hope you do something about this now your children are still young.
It's a hell of a lot harder when the children involved are older as they tend to take sides.

sugarrosepetal · 29/08/2023 23:08

@rippedjeansniceshoes You are in an abusive, controlling relationship and deserve so much better. Please find a way of reaching out for help in a safe manner.

https://speakoutloud.net/

Look up the power and control wheel versus the equality wheel. Call wom en's aid or ask your friends to help you. If your children have a health visitor or go to school, they can help too.

SpeakOutLoud — Learn About Coercive Control and Psychological Abuse

It appears “normal” BUT Coercive Control is Power Play. Studies show that most domestic and family violence does not involve physical violence.

https://speakoutloud.net

NotAMug · 29/08/2023 23:08

NameChanger207 · 29/08/2023 22:36

I agree you should have checked before arranging something in working hours - even if he’s not working he may need to ‘be available’ in case something crops up.

however what’s important is what happens outside of 9-5. Do you both get equal chance of child-free time?

Surely she should be able to ask though without him being vile to her, and if he was free he should have the kids!

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