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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
axolotlfloof · 30/08/2023 18:27

How about going for a run or a walk every evening for an hour? You shouldn't feel trapped in your own home.
Does he track your phone?
Do you leave the house with your kids in the day and does he concern himself with where you are?
Your expectations of a life outside the home are totally reasonable.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 30/08/2023 18:26

I would get a job.

WedRine · 30/08/2023 18:19

Traditional is just an excuse to be misogynistic. Your children are learning this is how to treat wives, or what treatment to expect in their own relationships. He may not hit, but if that is your bar, you need to raise your standards. You won't change him, and I know (from bitter experience) that you think he loves you enough to change so not to lose you, but you are underestimating how much he loves himself above you and your children.

ConnieTucker · 30/08/2023 18:18

rippedjeansniceshoes · 30/08/2023 17:38

Hi. Thank you again for everyone’s support.
DH is back from work and I am able to reply now. I don’t have the time to reply to people singularly but I really appreciate all of the wonderful comments. They mean so much.

I am having my hour of free-time and I will try to explain and update is much as I can.

Some of the gems that have come from DH over the past 24 hours include:

‘If you want to know how much the mortgage is, you can pay half’ (this was in response to me asking to have access to our family bank accounts, so I could see the comings and goings)
He also asked for access to my personal bank account to check what I was spending the money on. I said yes, that’s fair, I have nothing to hide (90% of my allowance goes on the kids)

‘If you want to be on the deeds of the house you should pay half the mortgage’ (Again, I don’t work… this isn’t possible right now with 3 very young DC)

‘I am desperate to portray myself as an abused wife’ 😔
I don’t even know what to say to this. It hurts as I know he gives me a lovely life (financially) a lovely home and money to spend on the kids BUT I would give that all up just to have some ‘me’ time. He just doesn’t get it at all. He said this in response to me calling him possibly abusive in his treatment towards me. I must add he has never hit me (and certainly not the DC) but he is loud and has put holes in the wall previously.

Speaking of his temper… ‘You have known for 10 years that I raise my voice and shout when I am angry, I can’t change it now’ I didn’t like it 10 years ago, I don’t like it now but apparently he is incapable of change.

DH wants to talk and smooth things over. He wants to stop arguing and just forget about everything and continue the way we were. Of course he does.

He prefers me to shut up and put up. I’m not stupid. I know he wants to go back to ‘normal’ as he was living his life of luxury. But NO that stops now. I’m want to be treated like an equal.
Thanks again to everyone who has helped so far x

Are you still staying in your bedroom for your hour off?

why wont you leave the house?

Cocacolathanks · 30/08/2023 18:16

I wouldn’t even waste time on a husband like this, and I’m coming from a marriage that’s had many ups and downs. It’s purely abusive, disrespectful, unkind and depressing.

you deserve much better and so do your kids. X

Toomuchtrouble4me · 30/08/2023 18:14

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/08/2023 17:29

Oh, he sounds a right charmer.

If you left him, he'd have to pay maintenance and you'd be able to sort childcare and go out whenever you wanted, you know.

^
This, with bells on.

ThePenguinIsDrunk · 30/08/2023 18:14

I would echo the suggestion to speak to women's aid, if onky for perspective at the moment.

Also: someone else suggested buying in childcare for weekday going out. Your DH doesn't want you to work but I would put money on him also refusing to 'let you' use paid childcare as an alternative to him looking after them? Doesn't seem like you get much free time or time to yourself compared to him.

unsync · 30/08/2023 18:13

He's not traditional, he's abusive. You are being coerced and controlled. The longer it goes on, the worse it will get. They always escalate. Please think about leaving this man. There is support to enable you to do this. Your local Women's Aid can help you. If at any point you feel in danger, do not hesitate to ring 999 and ask for the Police. They can help you.

You and your children deserve a better, happier life.

Pessismistic · 30/08/2023 18:12

Feel for you op but you need to remind him your his wife not skivvy. tell him employees get 28 days holidays so maybe you should get a job to get your freedom you might love being a sahm but ur doing everything. let him do more with his kids he treats you like a doormat you might not be week but his being traditional by 60/70s times not now. It sounds like your a child he's giving you pocket money he is so controlling. Just by not letting you see the bank account and only allowing you an hour alone. Whoopy do. I would rather go out to work and earn money and make him do more at home as right now. You are far from an equal in his eyes he might aswell employ a nanny who would actually be entitled to more freedom than you. Please go and have your lunch with friend if he doesn't like it tell him your getting a job and 50% parenting then is on him. Good luck!

DGay · 30/08/2023 18:12

What do you mean, he want 'LET' you? You are not the hired help. You're a grown a$$ woman and you don't need his permission. He is an a$$hole!

LimeCheesecake · 30/08/2023 18:08

Womensaid.org.uk - OP you are in an abusive relationship. There is help available. You don’t have to do anything straight away, you can gather information, speak to organisations who can help or see a solicitor to get a general idea what you can do next.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? Your friend who invited you to lunch, could you message and say you need to talk? Take your hour tomorrow to go for a walk, not upstairs and talk on the phone as you walk.

Mari9999 · 30/08/2023 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lavender14 · 30/08/2023 18:01

Just a note to say that if you take @FishyTree seriously in that it's your job to allow your dh to work- then you should also be entitled to annual leave...

DaddyG1973 · 30/08/2023 17:58

The more I read some of these threads about husbands the more I despair. This is not normal. He is being selfish! I’ve always told my wife to call me out if I’ve done something wrong and we always come to an agreement - not that hard

Chickenkeev · 30/08/2023 17:51

He hasn't hit you YET. Not too far from it if he's punching holes in walls. You really need to leave as fast as is safely possible.

Judecb · 30/08/2023 17:44

This is coercive and controlling behaviour. Get out before it escalates.

Original poster
rippedjeansniceshoes · 30/08/2023 17:38

Hi. Thank you again for everyone’s support.
DH is back from work and I am able to reply now. I don’t have the time to reply to people singularly but I really appreciate all of the wonderful comments. They mean so much.

I am having my hour of free-time and I will try to explain and update is much as I can.

Some of the gems that have come from DH over the past 24 hours include:

‘If you want to know how much the mortgage is, you can pay half’ (this was in response to me asking to have access to our family bank accounts, so I could see the comings and goings)
He also asked for access to my personal bank account to check what I was spending the money on. I said yes, that’s fair, I have nothing to hide (90% of my allowance goes on the kids)

‘If you want to be on the deeds of the house you should pay half the mortgage’ (Again, I don’t work… this isn’t possible right now with 3 very young DC)

‘I am desperate to portray myself as an abused wife’ 😔
I don’t even know what to say to this. It hurts as I know he gives me a lovely life (financially) a lovely home and money to spend on the kids BUT I would give that all up just to have some ‘me’ time. He just doesn’t get it at all. He said this in response to me calling him possibly abusive in his treatment towards me. I must add he has never hit me (and certainly not the DC) but he is loud and has put holes in the wall previously.

Speaking of his temper… ‘You have known for 10 years that I raise my voice and shout when I am angry, I can’t change it now’ I didn’t like it 10 years ago, I don’t like it now but apparently he is incapable of change.

DH wants to talk and smooth things over. He wants to stop arguing and just forget about everything and continue the way we were. Of course he does.

He prefers me to shut up and put up. I’m not stupid. I know he wants to go back to ‘normal’ as he was living his life of luxury. But NO that stops now. I’m want to be treated like an equal.
Thanks again to everyone who has helped so far x

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/08/2023 17:14

'I've been screamed at again.. I won't allow it in front of the kids'

Even if you'd never had kids you don't deserve to be shouted at by the person who lives with you and is meant to love and protect you

toadasoda · 30/08/2023 13:14

Hope you are OK today OP.

Can you think about it and let us know have there been other issues over the years, other times where you questioned your relationship like this? How is his relationship with your family and friends? Does he value your opinion on things or make decisions on your behalf. I doubt this kind of controlling behaviour came out of nowhere.

Codlingmoths · 30/08/2023 13:06

Sending you strength op. Firstly to try and establish some clearrr boundaries where you go out because you are a person not a robot mummy cleaner. Secondly to think about options for getting back to work. He is very controlling and shows no consideration for you as a person - he genuinely thinks 6 days a week are for him to do whatever he wants, evenings are for him or for him and you but you have to look after the dc, and the 7th day is relaxation or precious time with his family where you do all the work. You don’t count at all here. It seems difficult to imagine he can become someone different, so I suspect you are beginning the trajectory towards separating.

if you want to play hardball, try telling him if he gets hobby time while ‘working’ then he doesn’t need Saturdays, and you will take the dc to the football field if necessary and leave them there with him. Tell him ‘your friends might sound like they think that’s unacceptable but their wives will all look at you and know exactly why this happened, trust me.’

chillidoritto · 30/08/2023 12:57

It’s not often I am lost for words, but I am on this occasion. The “thick skull” comment is especially vile! YANBU

PansyP · 30/08/2023 11:21

Abusive, vile, controlling, why on earth are you with this horrible man?! Divorce him for everything you can. Jesus. I want to punch him

jellybe · 30/08/2023 10:36

He is a twat. I would not be staying with a man who thinks he can do his hobby all day as it is 'work' but won't look after his own kids for a few hours so I could have some time away from them.

I bet if you look back he is controlling over other things as well as this.

ThelmaBorden · 30/08/2023 10:05

What do you mean, he won’t let you?

when you have to ask permission
of someone you live with it’s demeaning
asking permission risks a No!

shame you cancelled your friend,
think you capitulated too readily,
when you could have announced your intention
to go out to lunch with the expectation of your OH
accommodating this modest outing

please do not show him this thread, why would you
when it is a safe place for you with good advice

how do you manage doctors, dentists, hospital, well woman clinic,
hairdressers, manipedi appointments, all inappropriate for children to be with you?

Womens Aid are brilliant - they have heard it all before -

remember -

We cannot control which way the wind blows but we can trim our sails accordingly -

and one from my Mum - “Even the worm will turn ! “

veggie50 · 30/08/2023 09:10

I know you have seen this type of comments already but I hope it helps to have one more: I had a very responsible job before children (one of whom disable and that's why I didn't go back to work) but my abusive ex managed to make me doubt my ability to survive without him. It's all about control and he preys on your financial dependence. I noticed you said you love your life/kids but didn't say you love your husband so my feeling is you'd like a divorce but afraid to take that step. Like those who posted before me, I think you can do it. You must do it with some careful planning, however, evidence of assets is key. You need every penny you can get from the divorce. While you are not working, he will have to pay your maintenance but to be truly independent, it would be good to have a job / career. I know you haven't worked before but trust me, being a mum is a lot harder than most jobs and you have been doing it very well. As to childcare, I bet you anything he would suddenly be able to have the kids half the time to avoid paying you for childcare. If he doesn't want to have the kids while "working", he'll be paying you and you will have a proper paid job as a mum. Good luck!