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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
BiscuitsBiscuitsEverywhere · 30/08/2023 19:26

Leave the bastard, get a job, and live the life you and your children deserve. Your husband is abusive and pathetic.

Yalta · 30/08/2023 19:24

You do realise with children and the level of financial abuse and coercive control you would be better off divorcing

You do realise the family home is a matrimonial asset so is the business, his golf clubs, and any savings pensions and investments he has
As you are a sahm with full childcare responsibilities you are really allowing him to work f/t at his job

I would be trying to get evidence of his pensions and investments and his business assets (HMRC web site should give you an idea of what his business owns) and would be going for divorce.

I would keep keep your bank account secret you never know what he could do with that knowledge.

Onesipmore · 30/08/2023 19:20

I also meant to add just because he's raised his voice for 10 years, that doesn't mean you have to accept it and nor does he make it ok

1mabon · 30/08/2023 19:14

Selfish b......d

Raggammuffin · 30/08/2023 19:09

Nerve of him acting like he's your jailer. Sometimes i read threads and think men act like their wives' bosses but this is worse.

I would have a long think about what you're prepared to live with, what support you have outside of the marriage, could you get a job? Think it all through AS THOUGH it were for real. And when you have decided what's possible, tell him you're leaving/getting a job/getting a cleaner/taking weekends off.

Good luck

Canthave2manycats · 30/08/2023 19:08

rippedjeansniceshoes · 30/08/2023 17:38

Hi. Thank you again for everyone’s support.
DH is back from work and I am able to reply now. I don’t have the time to reply to people singularly but I really appreciate all of the wonderful comments. They mean so much.

I am having my hour of free-time and I will try to explain and update is much as I can.

Some of the gems that have come from DH over the past 24 hours include:

‘If you want to know how much the mortgage is, you can pay half’ (this was in response to me asking to have access to our family bank accounts, so I could see the comings and goings)
He also asked for access to my personal bank account to check what I was spending the money on. I said yes, that’s fair, I have nothing to hide (90% of my allowance goes on the kids)

‘If you want to be on the deeds of the house you should pay half the mortgage’ (Again, I don’t work… this isn’t possible right now with 3 very young DC)

‘I am desperate to portray myself as an abused wife’ 😔
I don’t even know what to say to this. It hurts as I know he gives me a lovely life (financially) a lovely home and money to spend on the kids BUT I would give that all up just to have some ‘me’ time. He just doesn’t get it at all. He said this in response to me calling him possibly abusive in his treatment towards me. I must add he has never hit me (and certainly not the DC) but he is loud and has put holes in the wall previously.

Speaking of his temper… ‘You have known for 10 years that I raise my voice and shout when I am angry, I can’t change it now’ I didn’t like it 10 years ago, I don’t like it now but apparently he is incapable of change.

DH wants to talk and smooth things over. He wants to stop arguing and just forget about everything and continue the way we were. Of course he does.

He prefers me to shut up and put up. I’m not stupid. I know he wants to go back to ‘normal’ as he was living his life of luxury. But NO that stops now. I’m want to be treated like an equal.
Thanks again to everyone who has helped so far x

You need to stick to your resolve. He is never going to improve. Probably just get worse.

Look after yourself.

DungballInADress · 30/08/2023 19:00

It's most definitely not you. As if you had to ask.

Raging sense of entitlement? Misogynistic undertones? Golf is work? Who are you married to, Donald Trump?

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 30/08/2023 19:00

Daleksatemyshed · 30/08/2023 18:51

Some men really do mean they're traditional, they work, you stay home with the DC but you still have a roughly equal partnership, he's happy to provide and to know his DC always have their DM available to them. That's not what your DH means, he means the tradition where as a man he's head of the household and you're the little wife who looks after the house, the DC and does as she's told or gets a verbal smack when she gets above herself. He's outraged that you'd ask about money, that's his, he makes it, so it's only your business if you're going to pay half, but God Forbid he should do half of the housework/childcare/mental load.
He's very used to you doing as you're told Op and he's angry because you're not being his obediant wife, you're questioning his right to be in charge by expecting time for you without the DC. He's not a good man, he's entitled and selfish, be careful Op, he may react very badly to the new you.

Yeah, this. It's not "traditional" values, it's outdated nonsense.

I don't pay half our mortgage either but we jointly own the house and have access to joint money at all times. This is normal. Why aren't you on the house deeds? You're married, so he's onto a loser if he thinks he has somehow ringfenced that for himself.

horseyhorsey17 · 30/08/2023 18:56

He's a twat. You're not his unpaid childcare service, and he shouldn't be talking to you so disrespectfully.

MarkWithaC · 30/08/2023 18:55

He has put holes in the wall previously.
My DP and I talk and argue about difficult things sometimes, like everyone does, but neither of us has ever put a hole in the wall. That's not OK.

blahblah33 · 30/08/2023 18:55

Sorry but the first part of this post screams prison life to me. “I am having my one hour of free time in my room”.

Come on OP, you said yourself you’re not stupid, surely you can see what your husband is?

He is an abusive (maybe not physical but emotionally and mentally) man, who controls every aspect of your life. Won’t ALLOW you to get a job, go out without your kids, access the family finances. Serve him divorce papers and watch the rest of his abusiveness shine. I’d be getting my kids the hell away from this low life.

toxic44 · 30/08/2023 18:53

By what right does he speak to you so disrespectfully? Harder to do than it is to say, but leaving him would seem a sensible choice. Accepting his behaviour belittles you in his eyes and in your own. Head for the hills. Good luck.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/08/2023 18:51

Some men really do mean they're traditional, they work, you stay home with the DC but you still have a roughly equal partnership, he's happy to provide and to know his DC always have their DM available to them. That's not what your DH means, he means the tradition where as a man he's head of the household and you're the little wife who looks after the house, the DC and does as she's told or gets a verbal smack when she gets above herself. He's outraged that you'd ask about money, that's his, he makes it, so it's only your business if you're going to pay half, but God Forbid he should do half of the housework/childcare/mental load.
He's very used to you doing as you're told Op and he's angry because you're not being his obediant wife, you're questioning his right to be in charge by expecting time for you without the DC. He's not a good man, he's entitled and selfish, be careful Op, he may react very badly to the new you.

Canisaysomething · 30/08/2023 18:50

All this reads like you're a modern day slave. It's pretty shocking. Get a divorce.

Cherrysoup · 30/08/2023 18:48

You’d get alone time if he had the dc eow! He won’t let you have free time out of the house-controlling and you’re not allowed to see the ‘family’ bank account-financial abuse. He gives you ‘an allowance’? Financial abuse. Do you eve4 have to ask for more? You’re not on the deeds-if you’re married, that’s not a huge issue.

Will you be seeing a solicitor?

Richtea1234 · 30/08/2023 18:44

I do sometimes wonder how girls are raised.
I have never “asked” a man for permission for anything and I make my own living. I simply state my plans. I, of course, compromise for joint activities.

I’d imagine long before now, you established the hierarchy that your DH is “above” you. Is that because you are a financially “kept” woman?

You will find the solution in establishing your self worth and downgrading the man in your life to fellow human on the same level as you with responsibilities for his dc.

Steam your best frock. Rearrange the night out. Pop the date in your joint diary and follow through.
good luck

MarkWithaC · 30/08/2023 18:40

InOffice · 29/08/2023 17:32

I don't you should expect to go out while he's working. I think his golf and drinks are work if they're with clients - this was the worst part of my job when I had to entertain clients.

Obviously he should be more respectful in his language, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a SAHM to have the children during his working day.

The OP said he had no golf planned for that day. Perhaps you didn't see that part.

MummyJ36 · 30/08/2023 18:39

OP I don’t know if you have a daughter but would you what her to have a husband or partner who treated her like DH?

Or if you have a son would you think it he was a good husband or partner if her treated his wife this way?

RavenhairedRachel · 30/08/2023 18:39

He's a narcissistic. Very very selfish . I would kick him out it will only get worse.

pollykitty · 30/08/2023 18:34

Of course you’re not in the wrong. How can you possibly think this is normal or reasonable?? I despair at the things women do for men.

Rockschooldropout · 30/08/2023 18:30

You ARE being abused … coercive control us a form of abuse- my ex h did this with me ..

you aren’t even on the deeds for the house ? I’m assuming the mortgage is in his name only ?
Id be interested to see his response if you declared you were going back to work .. there might not be bars on your windows but you are a prisoner

evian76 · 30/08/2023 18:29

Golf is not ‘work’, ‘thick skull’ is verbal abuse. He will not change, it sounds as if you are in a very controlled relationship. I’d leave, as hard as that is you have a right to be free.

artsperson · 30/08/2023 18:28

Find a good feminist solicitor and bust his balls! He's a creep.

Onesipmore · 30/08/2023 18:28

Honestly this is just so awful. Your only free time is one hour in your bedroom. If one of your children was older and being controlled in this way by a DH would you be happy and think it was normal. People just don't do business om the gold course, that is so outdated, he must think you are a mug. As PP says why dont you leave the house when its your hour off? Why don't you leave for more than an hour and take more time. As for refusing you access to the family finances and demanding to see yours, this is ridiculous. Whats he got to hide? Of course he wants to brush it to one side!

3boysmom · 30/08/2023 18:27

If it's not already this is coercive and controlling behaviour. How long before you don't do or see anybody? I would get legal and domestic abuse advice and seriously think about leaving this man who thinks it's ok to speak to the mother of his children like that.