DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

Oh poor you. That's awful. And not normal. Not at all. I realise you have very small children but you need to start planning for a job so you can get some control back. You need to get some legal advice and you need to stand your ground. If he wants things to settle down he needs to say what he is going to change about his behaviour and you need to say if that is enough for you to stay.

I'm on mat leave and on the mornings my partner is going into the office he starts late so I can have breakfast and shower, then every day he's wfh he takes the baby at lunch (if no meetings) and finishes around 3-4pm just to give me a break. He'll catch up on work on an evening if he needs to.

He'll also take baby while I go to the gym, shopping, dinner with friends, I even went away for the weekend. No ones perfect obviously but he really pulls his weight in our relationship. You don't have to stay with shit men.

I have a work set up that sounds very similar to your DH - work from home all the time, run my own business, hours are flexible (there's plenty of work to be done but I can move it around a bit). That said, I definitely don't go off and play golf for a whole day!

We don't have a formal structure, and I hope I don't come across as trying to show off, but this is more or less what things end up looking like during working hours. It doesn't seem unachievable for your family from what you describe:

• Lunches we prep and eat together
• DW goes to the gym twice a week during usual working hours, we work out the time together at the beginning of the week to be mutually convenient
• I try to do at least 1 class with DD
• I take DD for a couple of hours to see a friend in an afternoon, sometimes DW wants to come too anyway
• Anything medical/health I take DD (obviously). There are some regular appointments so this does happen multiple times weekly.
• Occasionally we do things together child-free for a treat and get childcare (family or paid)
• If there is EVER an opportunity for DW to do something social and child free (like you described) we try our hardest to make it work with me looking after DD. As other friends/family usually work it's rare, so it's a real treat when it happens.
• Any small tasks where it takes minimal time but is a help to have 2 pairs of hands, we try to share, e.g. unpacking shopping

I agree with previous posters that this sounds controlling and abusive. I hope you can rectify this one way or another.

Some misc thoughts:

• Is his work of the nature where he needs to be 'on call'? i.e. He sometimes has to put everything down and fix something. If so, I can understand the necessity of being available 9-5. That doesn't, however, forgive his manner.
• What would happen if you suggested a child free lunch out together midweek? Would the time magically become available?
• If his business is so comfortable that he can afford to play golf one day a week, perhaps he can pay for childcare when you want to go out yourself on the seemingly very rare occasions that you have wanted to.
• If the children 'play up' with him, then that's a good sign that he needs to spend more time with them. Of course your relationships with your children won't be the same, but how can he be satisfied with a relationship with them where he's not capable of looking after them for more than an hour? His other 'job' is being a father, and he's not prioritising that.

I wonder if these types of people, who think golf, drinking, lunches etc. are all work because it happens between 9-5, think the same when Bezos is sailing on his yacht with his gal pal M-F during working hours. I mean, maybe he will have to make a phone call......
Do they realize that OP's NVDH uses all of those outings as a write-off, just as Bezos, Musk, etc. do, just on a grander scale?

I am a little shocked at what I’m reading to be honest, he’s emotionally abusive, so pig headed and selfish!! I’d still be shocked if this guy worked 100 hours a week hard graft but he doesn’t, he’s swanning around doing as he pleases while you’re looking after 3 children.
my only advice is to put your foot down if that’s even possible, I see childcare as 50/50 while the dad isn’t working, full stop. I get to go out in the evenings and so does he, I spend an entire Saturday out doing as I please if I need to, does DH like it, no, but I do it anyway (rarely) but I am selfish with my time If I want to be. What will he ACTUALLY do if you go against his wishes, and leave him to do bedtime / few hours in the afternoon. I do understand DH feel entitled L when they are the main breadwinner but there has to be balance and fairness with childcare. He sounds awful OP and you sound lovely and very level headed, you deserve better than this.

This has made my skin crawl. What an awful man. Please PLEASE get out. I read so much of this on MN and it's heartbreaking that so many women put up with this shit. You deserve so much better.

He's done a proper number on you that you think it's reasonable to show him your account details!
Please don't do this, it will only give him another stick to beat you with somehow.
He's financially abusive
He's emotionally abusive
He's using coercive control, and this is illegal.
Oh please, please start to get yourself out of this. Please. This is upsetting to read. I can't imagine living it.

Does he not realise that abuse comes in many forms?
Or that what you do is also work?
Someone like this needs help from a professional but from what you've said, he doesn't even think what he's doing is absolutely wrong.

what is he? Is he your jailer? Your work boss?

I rarely post either but I’m so horrified by this. He is abusive and controlling and this is not acceptable in any circumstances. Because you are “used” to him you think it’s ok but I promise you it’s not. Please speak to Women’s Aid.

Oh my goodness. I never post but I find this shocking. This is not ok, and you know it. I wish I could offer some practical advice but please please do take the advice of posters who have suggested contacting Women’s Aid.

If I was you I would change the banking password. I would also open a bank account at a bank that neither of you have previously used and opt for non- paper so nothing gets posted to the house. All online only. You need to start a just incase fund and start saving in a secret account for a solicitor.
Have you got any friends that you can completely trust to help you?

He’d be out the door at the “thick skull” with me . It’s coercive control. It’s a criminal offence. Get advice from Women’s Aid or some other organisation. He won’t have time to sit round drinking when he has to pay maintenance for you and all his kids. Absolute waste of space.

Really selfish of him, he does his part time work and uses the rest of being paid for hobbies? Not fair on you at all, when do you get a break?!

You want to be treated as an equal? He’s literally told you this isn’t going to happen. He’s never going to change. You can say it, scream it, shout it as bravely as you want but he’s still never going to treat you as an equal. He’s never going to change.

you can though.

This is shocking. I m married with 3 children aged 4-8years. I gave up work when I had DS1. This is how it works:
All of DH's salary goes into our joint bank account. I spend it as I see fit and he never questions that. It pays all the bills, it paid the mortgage (now paid off), clothes, holidays, pets bills, cars, entertainment- everything. He also uses it for anything he wants additionally.
I never ask if I can go out with friends. I tell him I am going so he can make sure he is back home from work or (if not) can arrange for MIL tolook after them. He would much rather do it himself. He would never tell me I couldn't go.
The house deeds are in both our names.
I have gradually started to work again part-time and I contribute my salary to the joint account. It just all goes in the pot.
DH does bath-time, bed-times, makes dinner at least 3 times a week, often more.
He has never spoken to me abusively.

You are being controlled and bullied and you should leave asap.

OP, pls contact Women's aid for support.

He is a highly abusive coercively controlling, violent excuse of a man.

Reach out for support.

This does not have to be your life.

You and your children deserve better.

It's more the way he talks to you than the reluctance to look after them tbh. If my husband ever talked to me that way I'd be packing his bags immediately.

No problem.

Mon through Friday are work days for him.

Friday 6pm through to Sunday 9pm is free time for you.

BUT TAKE IT.

Don't ask. Just go. Sleep in the car of you have to. But go.

Two weekends and he will recallibrate entirely.

Hey,

Rarely post but this is triggering for me. My dad, who is a decent enough guy as a father, had a temper and looking back I can see that he didn’t treat my mum with a lot of respect or affection - mum did absolutely everything.

it had a big impact on me and my sister - my sister is basically with a carbon copy of my dad and doesn’t see that she deserves better and me, well I’m hardened any time an ex boyfriend did anything that triggered a memory of my dad i ended things. Left me in my late thirties single, childless, unhappy and in therapy. I did eventually meet someone and settle down but it was a hard journey.

my point is this - your kids are learning about what a functioning relationship is from you and your husband … please set the best example you can xx

Sorry, shouldn't proof read. I meant 'a new piece of mandatory training'

🙄😂

🚩 🚩 🚩

Yesterday, with my eyes doing this 🙄 a bed piece of 'mandatory tray' came up at work (private healthcare clinic).

It was entirely aimed at Health Visitors, regarding DV and Abuse; but we had to churn through it in in order to get the tick. It bares no relevance to my professional role- however....

Well, I've cut to the end here, soz if you've been told this 100 times already, but this isn't okay. In the parlance of my mum, who would've been 90, he wants you 'barefoot and pregnant'.

He's controlling what you do, when; and who you see.

He has unilaterally decided when you might be 'allowed' out alone.

'Traditional' means 'him in charge'.

Horrific victim blaming, I bet when he assaults her you’ll say she was accepting of that too?

Tell him you'll happily start paying half the mortgage if he pays you for childcare