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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
countdowntonap · 30/08/2023 22:39

Are you able to work, or do you choose not to?

greenbeansnspinach · 30/08/2023 22:29

Talk it through with your local domestic abuse service. They will help you look at your options and they won’t tell you what to do.
His behaviour towards you is controlling and abusive. Arm yourself with knowledge.

SharonEllis · 30/08/2023 22:05

Really shocked by this. Get away from this awful, abusive, controlling man. I dread to think what your kids are picking up from his behaviour. This is not normal in this day & age.

ArabeIIaScott · 30/08/2023 22:05

rippedjeansniceshoes · 30/08/2023 17:38

Hi. Thank you again for everyone’s support.
DH is back from work and I am able to reply now. I don’t have the time to reply to people singularly but I really appreciate all of the wonderful comments. They mean so much.

I am having my hour of free-time and I will try to explain and update is much as I can.

Some of the gems that have come from DH over the past 24 hours include:

‘If you want to know how much the mortgage is, you can pay half’ (this was in response to me asking to have access to our family bank accounts, so I could see the comings and goings)
He also asked for access to my personal bank account to check what I was spending the money on. I said yes, that’s fair, I have nothing to hide (90% of my allowance goes on the kids)

‘If you want to be on the deeds of the house you should pay half the mortgage’ (Again, I don’t work… this isn’t possible right now with 3 very young DC)

‘I am desperate to portray myself as an abused wife’ 😔
I don’t even know what to say to this. It hurts as I know he gives me a lovely life (financially) a lovely home and money to spend on the kids BUT I would give that all up just to have some ‘me’ time. He just doesn’t get it at all. He said this in response to me calling him possibly abusive in his treatment towards me. I must add he has never hit me (and certainly not the DC) but he is loud and has put holes in the wall previously.

Speaking of his temper… ‘You have known for 10 years that I raise my voice and shout when I am angry, I can’t change it now’ I didn’t like it 10 years ago, I don’t like it now but apparently he is incapable of change.

DH wants to talk and smooth things over. He wants to stop arguing and just forget about everything and continue the way we were. Of course he does.

He prefers me to shut up and put up. I’m not stupid. I know he wants to go back to ‘normal’ as he was living his life of luxury. But NO that stops now. I’m want to be treated like an equal.
Thanks again to everyone who has helped so far x

Oh, OP.

You do understand, don't you, that this is abusive? You are beginning to see what's going on?

He is financially abusive.

He is threatening (punching walls is not normal; it's frightening. Nobody should be frightened by their partner).

He is manipulative.

He is abusive. Nobody says 'your thick skull' to someone they love.

You cannot talk to an abuser. You cannot reason with him. You cannot fix it or solve it or improve it.

Abusers tend to escalate, I'm afraid. I don't want to frighten you, but I hope you will call Women's Aid to discuss what's going on. They can offer advice and practical support. And please take care.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

Hidinginplainsightnow · 30/08/2023 22:04

You are not being unreasonable, he’s a twat. You’re his partner, not his slave. Go out with your friend, have a great time.

Sallyh87 · 30/08/2023 21:54

Sorry @rippedjeansniceshoes, sounds horrible. You deserve to be happy.

Hallmark1234 · 30/08/2023 21:52

I've read your posts OP and some of the replies and just wanted to add that I agree he's being controlling and abusive, but he's so arrogant he can't see it and thinks he's treating you fairly, by giving you some 'alone' time', but he's not treating you as an equal, rather that you 'are the little wife, whose job it is to keep house and obey him, the great provider and not question what he does with 'his' money.

The comment about getting into your thick skull would be a deal breaker for me, as it sums up in a few words exactly what he thinks about you; a complete lack of respect and reluctance to allow you to be an equal partner in your marriage

It's up to you how you plan to go forward from this, but do tread carefully, as when he realises you're standing up to him, he's likely to turn nasty. He may wonder what's prompted the change in you, so be sure he can't find your MN posts.

Takeabreather23 · 30/08/2023 21:40

Oh and your entitled to half the house and half the savings .

Takeabreather23 · 30/08/2023 21:39

You are being abused and controlled . This isn’t going to get better .
You starting to question him now and wanting change he’s not liking . I’m sorry but it’s time to make your plan to leave .
He has plenty money so doesn’t sound like your life will change dramatically and if he wants to see the kids he will have to step up and you can have time being you. The changes will
be for the better for you and the kids they don’t need he scare tactics either .

AfraidToRun · 30/08/2023 21:37

Also punching walls is abuse, it's intimating. I bet he doesn't punch walls in business meetings or walking around Asda...

Goatymum · 30/08/2023 21:37

I don’t say this often but he’s a complete c* nt.
His ‘work’ is golf - 🤔 wtf is that all about anyway.
im speechless

AfraidToRun · 30/08/2023 21:37

If your stomach drops when you hear their car pull up and the key in the door, listen to it. It is not normal.

olympicsrock · 30/08/2023 21:16

Look after yourself OP
YANBU We are all behind you here!

Andthereyougo · 30/08/2023 21:15

Abusers always want you to be quiet. They always want you to pretend everis ok. That’s their pretence to the world.
It takes time to get out, it takes planning. I’d suggest you set up a separate bank account that cannot be traced, no paper evidence of it. Sell clothes on Vinted, sell outgrown kids stuff, save money wherever you can. Start using cash to pay for groceries etc… harder for him to see money disappearing here and there. Start building your personal savings up. This is your get out fund.
Look at jobs you could do when you’re free, just so you’ve got an idea of what you can do.
And make sure you log your husband’s behaviour with someone. This will be evidence in the future, should you need it. Speak to your GP, or a practice nurse, say you want it logged in your medical records.
Play the long game. You will get out.

Conkersinautumn · 30/08/2023 21:15

Can you arrange for someone else (a babysitter?) so you can go to lunch and see your friend this week?

Then get to work on getting him out? Nobody should be talking to you so callously. I'd be way beyond the ick and fully into regular updates with a solicitor by now, should be easy enough whilst he's out at golf, is he drinking? Is he over the limit?
I'd get the clubs in the bloody divorce too, what a wanker thinking he's out working with his clubs, sell them to buy yourself a latte

YukoandHiro · 30/08/2023 21:15

He's a fucking scumbag.

Dogeatdog · 30/08/2023 21:13

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Epidote · 30/08/2023 21:10

He is and idiot and it is not you.

OurButtonMoon · 30/08/2023 21:08

He is gaslighting you and you absolutely do not deserve it. Just to be clear you do not owe him anything, he may have a financially stable job which helps provide for you all, but you are a mother and what you have been through to provide him with a family and raise your family goes above and beyond any finances your husband may earn. You should not have to lose your identity at the expense of his coercive, controlling selfishness.
It sounds like he shuts you down at every turn and that can be such a lonely and heartbreaking place to be when your partner should be your teammate in life. If he can't change for you and your children, and be supporting and loving, then he doesn't deserve any of you... sending you a huge hug x

ElizaAgainn · 30/08/2023 21:03

Why are you "asking" him - rather than "telling" him. The wording is "I have arranged to do x/y/z - as I know you're not working then". Repeat however many times necessary until the message sinks into his head and, if you've repeated that phrase several times and it still hasnt sunk into his head then repeat one last time VERY firmly and leave the room and get on with making/keeping your arrangements.

LittleBearPad · 30/08/2023 21:02

I’m sorry OP. This is not what your life has to, or should, be.

Unless he bucks his ideas up significantly then you are likely to be better off without him

Danielle9891 · 30/08/2023 20:59

I'm sorry you're going through this. It seems like he doesn't want a partner, he just wants someone to have his kids and look after them and the house. I honestly couldn't live like that and wouldn't want my kids to think that it's normal as it's not anymore.

Also, what about putting the children in a nursery for a couple of afternoons or mornings a week? Tell him it's for their social skills.

GoosieLucy · 30/08/2023 20:54

Abusive. He’s a first class arsehole. Sorry that you’re having to deal with that.

ladyofshertonabbas · 30/08/2023 20:50

This makes for upsetting reading. You can’t be with this man.m, he is very abusive. Honestly, life as a single parent is hard but I bet it’s easier without him.

Richmondgal · 30/08/2023 20:45

Tell him to f himself and see a solicitor