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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 31/08/2023 11:09

He is financially, emotionally and verbally abusive.

Sounds like he has been for a long time.

You don't have to put up with it.

Please be careful, he sounds aggressive and controlling. And it sounds like he knows you've rumbled him.

dontletsaskforthemoon · 31/08/2023 10:59

OP this is so sad to read. Words fail me. You know deep down what he is doing is 100% wrong. You've had so much advice from other PP's re; getting help to leave him safely. Please do it; please leave him for your own and your kids safety.

HarpieDuJour · 31/08/2023 10:49

I'm sorry to say that you are wrong about him not being violent. Punching holes in things is violence and it's to show you what will happen if you step out of line.

The most dangerous time for you is when you leave and shortly afterwards. If he thinks you are getting ready to leave him, he is likely to escalate. Please get proper advice about how to leave safely. In your case, I would go to the police, if only because a record of abuse may mean that you could access legal aid. Women's Aid can also provide excellent advice and practical help.

I know from experience that the closer danger is, the harder it can be to see it, but people here aren't reacting this way because they are afraid he will be mean to you. They are afraid that he will kill you.

Biddie191 · 31/08/2023 10:25

I hope that you're OK - as others have pointed out, this is abuse, and you really, really need to get out. It will only get worse, adn your children will start to believe in the way you are treated.

978q · 31/08/2023 09:56

Only you know what you need to do, if you have the strength, being treated as some paid for housekeeper/child minder is not any sort of relationship, your move.

veggie50 · 31/08/2023 09:38

veggie50 · 30/08/2023 09:10

I know you have seen this type of comments already but I hope it helps to have one more: I had a very responsible job before children (one of whom disable and that's why I didn't go back to work) but my abusive ex managed to make me doubt my ability to survive without him. It's all about control and he preys on your financial dependence. I noticed you said you love your life/kids but didn't say you love your husband so my feeling is you'd like a divorce but afraid to take that step. Like those who posted before me, I think you can do it. You must do it with some careful planning, however, evidence of assets is key. You need every penny you can get from the divorce. While you are not working, he will have to pay your maintenance but to be truly independent, it would be good to have a job / career. I know you haven't worked before but trust me, being a mum is a lot harder than most jobs and you have been doing it very well. As to childcare, I bet you anything he would suddenly be able to have the kids half the time to avoid paying you for childcare. If he doesn't want to have the kids while "working", he'll be paying you and you will have a proper paid job as a mum. Good luck!

PS If you decide to go for the split, you mustn't let on. If he's any businessman worth his salts, he'll be able to hide the assets or fake some debts. Get into his study to gather evidence while he's on one of his golfing jolly, bring that to a divorce lawyer and make sure the first time he knows about it is when you serve him the divorce petition. A word of warning: you need to be darn sure that's what you want because this is a one way exit. If you reconcile with him after doing all that, you'll never have another chance and his behaviour will likely get much worse.

Iziz · 31/08/2023 09:18

Abusive .

vickylou78 · 31/08/2023 09:08

Op does he look after the children snc allow you out on the weekend and evenings?

It's really worrying that you don't have access to the finances and what is that about the deeds? Are you saying your name isn't on the property deeds? How did this situation arise? I'm sure you know you are in a very vulnerable position.

I would think about leaving him. You should be equals! Ideally with equal time off and money. If that's not possible look into getting a job and find childcare (use the funded hours) and try to carve some independence out for yourself.

intherough · 31/08/2023 09:02

stayingright · 30/08/2023 23:50

This is one of the most horrific things I've ever read on MN

I agree, and I've been on here 10+ years. The manipulation and gaslighting is so deeply ingrained. OP you need to get out! He will never ever change.

Codlingmoths · 31/08/2023 08:55

I think you should tell him you no longer see him as a father or a husband. If financially you need to pay half the mortgage to count as a house owner , then emotionally and practically you need to actively parent and be a partner to count as a father or husband. You don’t do either.

River87 · 31/08/2023 08:32

Reminds me of my abusive, controlling ex. Did a Clare's Law request at the end and he had a history of abuse.

Focus on getting ready to leave.

Goatymum · 31/08/2023 08:23

Agree, it is horrific. Poor OP - and PPs are correct in saying half of everything is yours. Get some legal advice though asap as well as speaking to a women’s charity if you can.
Your ‘free hour’ - do me a favour. He is keeping you imprisoned like convicts get their hour of exercise a day and he’ll hold that over you ‘well you get your free hour…’ Maybe you want that time at another point in the day?
i’ve always worked p/t since DCs were in school aand a bit of freelancing before that. Dh knew that he could only work the hours he did because I was at home, but he got made redundant and has had his own business for about 13 years now but as far as possible he’s flexible and has helped me/DCs (who are past school age now). That’s what a husband should be like. Plus we have a joint account and some separate savings etc but we both know what we have. I just want you to see what a normal situation is like with a husband who has his own business etc.

Abouttimemum · 31/08/2023 08:12

stayingright · 30/08/2023 23:50

This is one of the most horrific things I've ever read on MN

I agree wholeheartedly

Abouttimemum · 31/08/2023 08:12

I’m terrified for you OP. You need to protect yourself financially. His behaviour is absolutely awful and this is not going to end well.

Helpmeplease2023 · 31/08/2023 07:48

Nope. Throw the whole damn man away. He is an abuser and control freak. I’d bet a narcissist too. I’ve been there and I know it’s awful. Getting out of the situation was hard but it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. For myself and my children.

Here4thechocs · 31/08/2023 07:39

LimeCheesecake · 29/08/2023 17:32

Ok, so he works Monday - Friday unless he takes a day leave. But you also work Monday - Friday caring for your dcs and only get a day off if he takes leave for that. So as his leave has to cover you both, he needs to allocate you half time he takes off work. Or pay for childcare so you get time off.

but given how he spoke to you, I’d be looking for a job.

Definitely this. I’d be looking for a job , too cos he clearly doesn’t see you looking after the kids as a job in its own.
Some men have zero respect for SAHP.

Mustardseed86 · 31/08/2023 07:28

Please take steps to protect yourself financially. If he's self-employed he will almost certainly try to hide his income and assets in a divorce. Maybe smooth things over for now and then make sure you get copies of absolutely everything you can.

gherkeen · 31/08/2023 01:38

Punching walls and shouting is abuse.

Also, he earns what he earns partially because you do everything else! I'm sure the childcare etc you're saving him is worth far more than half the mortgage. 3 children can be at least £3000 a month. More in many areas! You take care of everything else too which allows him time for his business.

I'd leave him. But if you can't I'd look into going back to work. And make him.share the costs of childcare. And tell him how much he'll pay to help you go back to work.

During our marriage sometimes I paid more sometimes DH paid more, depending on our earnings and situation. We try to be equal.biy respect each other enough to help each other.

Your husband has the wrong attitude entirely. My heart goes out to.you. i know it can't be easy to make the right decision right now

Siawouldwannabeya · 31/08/2023 01:25

I actually gasped at the ‘thick skull’ comment, that’s so unfair on you. Full of his own self-importance and doesn’t see how all consuming it is having 3 small children , his children too not just yours. You really should schedule in some regular ‘me time’ so he gets used to spending time with his children and you get a little bit of you back , it doesn’t matter what he classes as work activities you are a team! YANBU 💐

stayingright · 30/08/2023 23:50

This is one of the most horrific things I've ever read on MN

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 30/08/2023 23:49

I hope this is the start of you binning him off.

It's a waste of breath trying to explain to him that he's done wrong. The only useful thing he's told you is that he won't change and sees no reason to.

I've dated an abusive man before and if there's one piece of advice I could give myself, it would be to not bother wasting my time trying to explain how they hurt my feelings, or wade through the personal attacks to make my point, and to just give them up as a bad bet and leave immediately. It's frustrating, exhausting, and pointless trying to explain to someone why you deserve to be treated with respect. If they don't get that, you're a million times better off on your own.

And if you're thinking things like, he'll make things difficult or he'll cause problems with the children - that's even more reason to leave. It's impossible to live a peaceful happy life with a snake in your bed.

ImNotWorthy · 30/08/2023 23:21

Abusive men never think they are being abusive - they think they are right and that their view trumps all.

OTOH abused women on here sometimes wonder whether they are the abusive one. As far as I can tell, if you are asking yourself that question, the likelihood is that you are not the abuser in your relationship.

Pigwig10 · 30/08/2023 23:08

Good luck OP, I hope it all works out to your benefit. Keep us updated 💐

978q · 30/08/2023 23:04

"‘If you want to be on the deeds of the house you should pay half the mortgage’ (Again, I don’t work… this isn’t possible right now with 3 very young DC)"

Half of everything is yours, it is the law.

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 30/08/2023 22:40

My ex husband was similar. I wasn’t allowed to work, wear certain clothes, my time socialising was when I was having meet ups with friends and their DC. I had to do all the housework, do everything with the kids and have his tea on the table at a certain time. I put up with it for 8 years until I plucked up the courage to leave the controlling arse. Best thing I have ever done. My life became my own, myself and my children were happier and I met an amazing man who I settled down with. There is a better life out there for you 💐