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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
BadHairBae · 29/08/2023 18:10

You can do what you want and absolutely shouldn't need permission to do so.

He's selfish and entitled.

ChaToilLeam · 29/08/2023 18:10

You can’t “chat” to or reason with an abuser. He is using the children to restrict and isolate you.

What happens when they get older and more independent? He will find other ways, believe me.

No man would ever speak to me that way twice. Time to get support and get away from this selfish nasty shitbag of a man.

Original poster
rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 18:10

No he doesn't want me to work. He's quite traditional. I know that sounds silly but he is. I love being a stay at home Mum but I would also like some free time once in a while.
I love my DC but I love myself too.

I've been told I 'clearly can't cope' with being a stay at home Mum... so insulting. I love it. I just asked for 2 hours to myself 😔

Be back to this thread later, thank you again to everyone. I will read through proper later x

OP posts:
MeAgainPeeps · 29/08/2023 18:09

ceriselily · 29/08/2023 18:09

Your chat with him needs to be you putting your foot down about being treated as an equal adult who is in partnership when it comes to parenting, finances and household decision making. I suspect from what you say, though, he won't listen, and so meanwhile get your ducks in a row for leaving him, without any indication to him that you're doing so.

This

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/08/2023 18:09

He’s an abusive prick

ceriselily · 29/08/2023 18:09

Your chat with him needs to be you putting your foot down about being treated as an equal adult who is in partnership when it comes to parenting, finances and household decision making. I suspect from what you say, though, he won't listen, and so meanwhile get your ducks in a row for leaving him, without any indication to him that you're doing so.

MeAgainPeeps · 29/08/2023 18:08

He's abusing you. He controls you. He controls the money. You can't go out and you have an allowance. Fuck that. Do you have any access money like bank card for good shopping? I think you need to start working on am exit plan. Talk to Womans Aid.

pictoosh · 29/08/2023 18:08

I can't believe there are still people out there with the sheer audacity to carry on like this...like some sort of keeper, or jailer...while thinking themselves just peachy. How do they not creep themselves the fuck out being so repugnant?

weathervane1 · 29/08/2023 18:08

Divorce him. Take the children. Take 50% of the business and any savings plus maintenance. He is abusing his financial position and by cancelling your plans you at enabling his bullying. It won't get better.

LorW · 29/08/2023 18:08

🥺 oh OP, I think you know this isn’t right. It’s abusive. What would he do if you just went out anyways and left the kids with him?

NettleTea · 29/08/2023 18:08

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 29/08/2023 18:07

OP - what happens at the weekends? Is he home with you? Do you do things as a family? Is he hands on?

What happens if you want to pop to the shop to grab something? What happens if you have a hair appointment?

I bet she isnt allowed a hair appointment.

porridgeisbae · 29/08/2023 18:08

He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

😂

And the verbal abuse isn't good.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/08/2023 18:08

pinkyredrose · 29/08/2023 18:05

Why did he want children if he can't stand to be around them?

How can you bear to open your legs for him?

Because it keeps OP vulnerable and less likely/able to leave him.
They are tools designed to control her, he doesn't care about them but he knows she does.

moomoosaka · 29/08/2023 18:08

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

  1. He should be able to take annual leave.
  2. That is an awful way to speak to you. Please keep safe.
CandyLeBonBon · 29/08/2023 18:08

Christ he sounds like a knob

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 29/08/2023 18:07

OP - what happens at the weekends? Is he home with you? Do you do things as a family? Is he hands on?

What happens if you want to pop to the shop to grab something? What happens if you have a hair appointment?

Christmasbird · 29/08/2023 18:06

I know millions of golfers and they're all entitled cunts. Your husband is no different

pinkyredrose · 29/08/2023 18:05

Why did he want children if he can't stand to be around them?

How can you bear to open your legs for him?

NettleTea · 29/08/2023 18:05

well for one thing, he needs to learn how to parent them so they dont 'play up'

and the more he does it, the more adept he will become.

You should have access to family money, not an allowance. I bet its meagre too.

Is this big bollocks business paying into your pension. It would be a sensible thing for it to be doing, while you are home, looking after the kids, as there are plenty good tax breaks for that.

Did you work before?

MrsMarzetti · 29/08/2023 18:05

Divorce him and take half his business.

thishasnotmyweek · 29/08/2023 18:05

My mums (thankfully ex) used to say stuff like ‘get it through your thick skull’

I vowed that is anyone ever said that to me I would leave immediately.

Its a vile way to speak to someone

MissHarrietBede · 29/08/2023 18:05

You are basically a prisoner. Another chat with him will not help. He likes his life just fine exactly how it is.

The financial abuse is part of his control.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 29/08/2023 18:05

I bet he doesn't want you to work either?

You might meet someone and fuck them, which is why he doesn't want you going out alone - nothing to do with not wanting to watch the kids.

SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 18:04

You're being financially abused as well then.

An 'allowance' and a literal hour which youre apparently unable to leave the house for- how generous.

Why does he call all the shots? He decides about your access to money, your access to time.

You deserve better.

ChristmasCwtch · 29/08/2023 18:04

Sounds like he’s got himself a live in housekeeper/nanny that doesn’t need to be paid.

He’s a controlling, abusive know. Your life would be significantly better without him in it. Please call Womens Aid.

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