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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 29/08/2023 18:40

Get rid of him. Relationships should be about give and take. It wouldn't hurt him to give you a bit of time to yourself.

WallaceinAnderland · 29/08/2023 18:40

Awful, awful man. Horrendous.

How can you live like this OP, it sounds so miserable.

favouriteyellowsocks · 29/08/2023 18:39

Well he's got himself sorted out alright hasn't he ! Leave him. He's an abusive twat.

Beetlebuggy · 29/08/2023 18:38

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/08/2023 17:29

Oh, he sounds a right charmer.

If you left him, he'd have to pay maintenance and you'd be able to sort childcare and go out whenever you wanted, you know.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he is self employed, so that's not a given. Very easy to manipulate finances to pay nothing.

Mumsnet is quick to say LTB, but with 3 under 5s, doing this without relying on benefits (not that there is anything wrong with that), could prove difficult. A friend ended up in a skanky, one room, temporary bedsit out of her area, with 2 young kids. Her husband had a good life, everything in the name of his business though.

But to answer the pp, no it's not acceptable and they way he speaks to you is appalling.

MsCactus · 29/08/2023 18:37

I think him not watching the kids 9am-5pm is reasonable, even if he isn't very busy at work. Presumably he has to be "on call" during that time and can't just look after the kids while you go out.

However he should be giving you equal time off and away from the kids outside of your working hours - and it really doesn't seem like that's happening!!!

Can you rearrange your friend date for one evening when he's not working and get him to watch the kids for you as a compromise??

forgotmyusername1 · 29/08/2023 18:37

Thank you so much for reminding me when you are free.
On thur I am going out for dinner and drinks with my friend. Kids are yours after 5

Mustardseed86 · 29/08/2023 18:37

SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 18:36

Next time he's out 'working' at the golf club's bar, I'd be going into his office and making copies of financial documents that demonstrate the true income and assets of the business.

Men like this often use their businesses to hide assets and income during divorce.

Leave the copies with your Mum.

This!

SunWorshipping · 29/08/2023 18:37

Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2023 18:18

@rippedjeansniceshoes is there any kind of a cultural aspect at play here ?

Why would that make it OK? Saying people behave like misogynistic twats because it's their "culture" is no excuse. No one should be tolerating this kind of behaviour, culture or not!!

Nanaof1 · 29/08/2023 18:37

ChristmasCwtch · 29/08/2023 18:04

Sounds like he’s got himself a live in housekeeper/nanny that doesn’t need to be paid.

He’s a controlling, abusive know. Your life would be significantly better without him in it. Please call Womens Aid.

And gets to keep her under control by making sure she gets pregnant at regular intervals.

Abusive and controlling are just two of the many adjectives that could be used to describe this asshole. Some aren't fit to type out.

SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 18:36

Next time he's out 'working' at the golf club's bar, I'd be going into his office and making copies of financial documents that demonstrate the true income and assets of the business.

Men like this often use their businesses to hide assets and income during divorce.

Leave the copies with your Mum.

ImNotWorthy · 29/08/2023 18:33

So golf is work if it's with his business partner, is that it? I expect they talk about Important Man Things.

mommatoone · 29/08/2023 18:31

'Traditional ' or a controlling arsehole? Theres a big difference! Hes got the life of riley hasnt he?. All i can see from your comment are- what he wants/ thinks/ lets/ tells.
You surely cannot think this is ok OP.

SunWorshipping · 29/08/2023 18:29

He's a controlling twat who speaks to you like dirt. Who does he think he is? Does he ever look after his own children?

What a horrible man, I wouldn't put up with this.

SecretVictoria · 29/08/2023 18:28

Oh dear. Please tell us you had a career you can go back to? What are you going to do in 5/6 years when the DC are at school?

Get rid of the H now and start a new life.

JANEY205 · 29/08/2023 18:26

Ok him saying you can’t cope with being a SAHM has really pissed me off. This weasel of a man can’t cope with his own kids! He can’t cope being a Dad or an equal partner can he?

WTF don’t you have access to family money?! Op this is really really scary. He gives you an allowance?! Of how much? And what are you expected to pay for using your ‘allowance’!?

GCSister · 29/08/2023 18:26

I don't say this lightly but you are in an abusive relationship.

Please contact women's aid for advice.

Aubree17 · 29/08/2023 18:24

During work hours he's being reasonable, if something came up with work he would have to deal with it.

Outwith his working hours it's totally unreasonable,

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/08/2023 18:24

He's awful
If he has time for golf, he has time to look after DC
A kind and caring partner would want you to be happy
He doesn't even like you

JANEY205 · 29/08/2023 18:24

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 18:01

Sorry I am reading all of your responses and trying to reply.
My husbands business honestly takes care of itself. My friends often say they 'wish they had my DH's life'
No I don't have any access to family money, he pays me an 'allowance' every month.
I have Mum friends.
I have family, well my Mum, she echo's a lot of what you say but she isn't in a position to help me as such, just a listening ear.

I am currently upstairs in the bedroom as he has finished work for the day (came out of his office/man-cave)
He sometimes gives me an hour to unwind after being Mum all day with the kids... before the bedtime routine starts.

He says this hour alone in the bedroom is my 'child free time' and I should be grateful as not many DH's do this after work? I said I would like to get out of the house and 'alone time' upstairs isn't the same?

I'm so confused.

I can't really go out in an evening. I get the children to sleep and they really 'play up' when I am not here (DHs words, not mine)

Thank you for everyone's kind words so far. After my 'alone time' upstairs I will try and have a chat with him... again...

Is he a total moron? Yes clearly he is.

Abusive partners love to throw out ‘you’re lucky you get this, other husbands don’t do this xyz bare minimum thing.’’

OP, my husband does the bedtime routine every evening and often takes our children out for the day or I go out without them and he has them at home all day, so I can have an actual break and out of the house too. They aren’t just my kids!

Your husband is as suspected a shitty, shitty parent and a horrible partner. He sounds abusive and controlling and like your job is just to pander to him. I don’t often advise people to leave but I would strongly suggest counseling and taking an extended visit to your Mum for him to realise you’re serious that this shit is wrong and cannot continue.

Triffid1 · 29/08/2023 18:23

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 18:10

No he doesn't want me to work. He's quite traditional. I know that sounds silly but he is. I love being a stay at home Mum but I would also like some free time once in a while.
I love my DC but I love myself too.

I've been told I 'clearly can't cope' with being a stay at home Mum... so insulting. I love it. I just asked for 2 hours to myself 😔

Be back to this thread later, thank you again to everyone. I will read through proper later x

what annoys me about comments like this is that I grew up with lots of "Traditional" families set up around a breadwinning man and a SAHM. The difference was that in my memory, the dad was super engaged and around and in fact, it was a point of pride to have a SAHM who was well dressed, had her hair done regularly, and was out and about doing things. Dads also did all the "guy" tasks like anything involving anything disgusting or dirty, late night lift clubs, sports and activities etc.

But it's bizarre how often "traditional" these days seems to mean no access to money (because he earns it), no time away from the kids etc etc. ...

Men have really done a number on women.

Nanaof1 · 29/08/2023 18:23

Clymene · 29/08/2023 17:40

Can you actually read? He's not working

Show quote history

I have to laugh that some posters and OP's DH actually having the audacity to call golf and drinks, work. It's with his partner and "business associates". It's nothing more than using a tax loophole to be able to entertain and be a drunk and deduct it all from taxes. The fact that it's allowed is how so many businesses get away with paying so little tax and big earners can write so much off that they end up paying less taxes than a waitress.

Gh12345 · 29/08/2023 18:23

He’s definitely got a cushty life let’s be honest. He’s really out of order

booksandbeans · 29/08/2023 18:22

Hire a babysitter & go out… you husband is a lost cause.

Oioicaptain · 29/08/2023 18:22

Well he clearly can't cope with:
Being a decent husband
A proper job
Allowing you out of his sight
Putting the kids to bed
Being a decent father

And he definitely definitely can't cope with you challenging his shit poor attitude!

Zonder · 29/08/2023 18:22

He doesn't seem to like his children or you. No time with them in the week, except a begrudging hour sometimes, no family time at the weekend. I couldn't live with this.

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