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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
bakewellbride · 29/08/2023 19:16

Jesus op that's awful. I am shocked you have to even ask, goes to show his much he's conditioned you into forgetting what normal is.

Here is 'normal'. My dh took the kids out all afternoon last week - his idea! He insisted I needed a break and said that he appreciates all I do. I'm a sahm and he has a stressful nhs job which exhausts him yet he still always puts me and the kids first. He gets up with the kids so I get to lie in every so often. All my married friends are treated similarly and you deserve to be too. You'll never get it with this awful man.

Your situation would mortify my dh.

KnobbingtonKnobberson · 29/08/2023 19:12

he's got the absolute life of riley.

wife and kids at home that he can brag about but barely needs to be involved with
lucrative but undemanding business
lots of time to play golf and drink with his pals

he needs a rude awakening.

Mamai90 · 29/08/2023 19:12

SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 18:36

Next time he's out 'working' at the golf club's bar, I'd be going into his office and making copies of financial documents that demonstrate the true income and assets of the business.

Men like this often use their businesses to hide assets and income during divorce.

Leave the copies with your Mum.

Those 1000 times over, please do it!

My friend just got fucked over by her ex husband, a millionaire, she walked away from that marriage homeless with £12,000 debt and nothing else. He hid it all.

Jk987 · 29/08/2023 19:12

InOffice · 29/08/2023 17:46

He's running a business from home. I can see why he's frustrated that Op dismisses this as not really working. Obviously he needs to behave better about that, but you can't expect to leave DC with someone who's WFH.

For a one off with notice, I'd expect him to take time off to facilitate it though.

This IS a one off with notice though! And he's not working full time, he has time for 1 or 2 whole days of golf every week!

ZadocPDederick · 29/08/2023 19:11

Icannoteven · 29/08/2023 17:37

Yabu expecting him to look after the kids during his working hours. I can’t believe people are saying you aren’t. He is working!

Do you both get free time outside his working hours?

How is playing golf with his mates working?

karakchai · 29/08/2023 19:11

What an awful, awful person. Get the fuck out of this abusive marriage.

Sayitaintso33 · 29/08/2023 19:11

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

You are in the wrong because you clearly have agreed to do the child care during the 'working week'. This so obviously needs to change.

I suspect you are also in the wrong for honestly thinking it wouldn't be an issue. If that is right, you are not being honest without yourself. It was always going to be an issue.

However, I can't believe how mean and inflexible your husband is. I think he is far more in the wrong than you. Far, far more.

Workingmumchaos · 29/08/2023 19:10

I think I would actually throw a mug at my dp if he said that to me.

YouOKHun · 29/08/2023 19:09

InOffice · 29/08/2023 17:32

I don't you should expect to go out while he's working. I think his golf and drinks are work if they're with clients - this was the worst part of my job when I had to entertain clients.

Obviously he should be more respectful in his language, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a SAHM to have the children during his working day.

I don’t buy that. He’s pursuing a hobby with a friend who is also a business partner and “associates”. He is doing this for a whole “working” day once and even twice a week. I’m sure he’s worked hard to get to that state of leisure but still. He’s swinging the lead and leaving OP to trapped far longer than 9-5 Monday to Friday.

Reading these kind of posts on MN (far too often) makes me so fucking mad. He has no respect for OP’s role and clearly thinks she doesn’t have the right to question him. This restriction of OP is controlling and abusive. @rippedjeansniceshoes can some occasional childcare be found (paid for) so that you have some freedom if he isn’t prepared to parent? Or does he control that too? You should be able to get out and have some relief and you should have some autonomy.

i know you say you don’t know what to make of the scenario you present and are doubting yourself. Don’t. You are not in the wrong. He’s a nasty shit. Do you have the freedom to spend some money on ad hoc childcare? What’s he like the rest of the time?

Crikeyalmighty · 29/08/2023 19:08

@SunWorshipping it doesn't remotely make it ok - I am curious though if this kind of shit is normal in the OPs circle to see what kind of support might be forthcoming

Bellsbeachwaves · 29/08/2023 19:08

Honestly tell him to get fucked. Those words. He needs to make serious changes or LTB.

Can you just go out. Tell they're his kids and go out. His response will tell you whether you honestly need to leave.

ChampagneLassie · 29/08/2023 19:08

I’m also going to guess he runs a recruitment business

backinthestoneage · 29/08/2023 19:07

Ltb.

Get a divorce

Jk987 · 29/08/2023 19:07

LimeCheesecake · 29/08/2023 17:32

Ok, so he works Monday - Friday unless he takes a day leave. But you also work Monday - Friday caring for your dcs and only get a day off if he takes leave for that. So as his leave has to cover you both, he needs to allocate you half time he takes off work. Or pay for childcare so you get time off.

but given how he spoke to you, I’d be looking for a job.

But he's his own boss so can most definitely spare 2 hours once an a blue moon to give his wife the tiniest of breaks. His own boss with little to do and without needing to book allocated time off.

Crinklecutting · 29/08/2023 19:07

First off I would get a part time job, he won’t like it but you need independence

WantingToEducate · 29/08/2023 19:06

Oh OP, this is so upsetting to leave.

How has he worn you down so much that you are willing to accept this?

You have to find a way to change this because you deserve so much better.

pictoosh · 29/08/2023 19:06

Must admit this one has really made me spit.

BellaAndDave · 29/08/2023 19:06

Leave, he’s abusive in many ways.

Edited to add if you leave he’ll need to step up and have the children on his own for contact, at least you’ll have a bit of a rest and he won’t be able to control your every move. What a wanker.

ChampagneLassie · 29/08/2023 19:05

My relationship is far from perfect but if my OH uttered the words “through your thick skull” I think that would be it for me. It doesn’t sound like he respects or loves you. It sounds like you are staff fulfilling a role for him, he designates your duties and working hours. @rippedjeansniceshoes im sure you love your kids and he is a good provider but he’s exploiting you and manipulating you and undermining your sense of self

Alwaystheplusone · 29/08/2023 19:04

OP, I don’t have any advice nobody else has already given but wanted to send you a virtual hug ❤

Bellsbeachwaves · 29/08/2023 19:03

Unlikely to get better.

ethelredonagoodday · 29/08/2023 19:03

He sounds awful. That's totally unacceptable!

BooRadleyBoo · 29/08/2023 19:02

He’s your jailer you need to get away from him.

pictoosh · 29/08/2023 19:02

Oioicaptain · 29/08/2023 18:22

Well he clearly can't cope with:
Being a decent husband
A proper job
Allowing you out of his sight
Putting the kids to bed
Being a decent father

And he definitely definitely can't cope with you challenging his shit poor attitude!

Spot on, spot on...

KnobbingtonKnobberson · 29/08/2023 19:01

the last time you were 'allowed' out was a trip to the cinema in June?

This is no life.