DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

It’s heartbreaking to read but I’d be willing to bet if OP did LTB he would do everything in his power to entire he didn’t have to pay maintenance (hiding finances) and would barely have the kids. You need to be clever and informed about this if you leave. You absolutely should leave because he’s an abusive, misogynistic wanksplat but cover your bases and get a SHL

No, it is not you. No, you are not in wrong. His attitude is super disrespectful and I don't know how you improve things. He just sounds unpleasant and I'm sorry to say it really does sound like he thinks you are inferior and he can treat you like rubbish. I really hope he does get it and changes his attitude, otherwise I don't see longterm how you are going to feel loved, valued and happy.

You're in an abusive relationship.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CuUZYNENUgQ/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA== have a listen to this and probably a few more of her reels actually.

Just seen your other comments, he is financially abusive. 'Normal' would be a joint account with a bank card each. I'm so sorry for your situation op but he has to go.

He sounds abusive. I think you need some professional help as to how to get yourself and your kids away from him. This is no way to live! And your kids will grow up thinking it is normal to see women treated like this.

Please reach out for advice in real life.

Yep this! I'd be requesting 4 weeks holiday a year! 🫣🤣

Honestly, now I've RTFT I'm even more flabbergasted.
As many others have said, he's controlling at best and more likely, at worst abusive. You're both adults and in a good marriage one doesn't get to tell the other what is and isn't allowed. As has been mentioned on here, whilst you can, I'd be gathering as much info as you can on his finances, and consulting a good solicitor. I'd imagine getting out of this relationship will not be smooth and you will need a good, well informed solicitor on your side.

This is heartbreaking to read OP! You deserve better! He is abusive and controlling, he doesn’t want you to go out or have a job etc because he wants full control of what you do! I have been in your position.

my ex would follow me if I tried to go out (once a month) he got very angry when I was offered progression in work, would hate me meeting up with friends! I left his sorry arse.
would make me pay for all of the bills (he had huge savings in his account by doing this) he would have a problem with me working but expect me to pay for everything! I felt like I couldn’t win tbh.. it was awful.

you need to be honest with him about how abusive he actually is. I hate to say it, people like this don’t change, there is no harm in trying tho, from my experience they don’t change.. contact womens aid ASAP, get some advice.. back yourself up!

meanwhile, tell him straight! Tell him you are going out with your friend for a few hours! Also tell him your more then capable of coping with the children, everyone deserves a chance to breathe!

he is feeding off you questioning yourself! Xx

Putting aside all the other things that you clearly realise.

What would happen if you went to him and said "ok, I understand going out during working hours was not a good idea. So I've rearranged to leave at 5pm on Thursday and meet X for dinner".

Because if he wouldn't allow that either there are big issues.

If he wouldn't batter an eye lid then it's still issues with the way he speaks to you but he may be genuine about needing to be around working hours.

He isn’t going to change. And there’s a reason he doesn’t want you to work, and it isn’t because he’s ‘traditional’.

Given he isn’t going to change, I think the question you have to answer is whether being treated like this is a price you’re willing to pay for being a SAHM and being ‘taken care of’ financially.

It wouldn’t be a price worth paying for me and clearly not for a lot of other posters on this thread. But equally there are plenty of women who decide it is worth it.

Honestly I'm so shocked reading this and can honestly tell you this is NOT the norm. My husband works a manual hard graft labour job, comes home, we share chores such as cooking/cleaning and we both go out whenever we want as long as one or the other of us is at home with the kids. Ask either one of us we'll say a shift at work is easy compared with parenting 3 kids, I'm currently on mat leave and work is waaaaaay less stressful. That's actual work too not fucking about in the sand pit with a driver. I think I've said the words "over stimulated" at least 1000 times at this point as summer holidays are HARD.

The one thing that stood out reading all ofthis is the "thick skull" comment....come on OP....nobody deserves to be spoken to like that. My mantra in my marriage is, if someone were to treat my children the way I'm being treated what would I tell them to do? Luckily I have a very happy and fair marriage with the odd cross word here and there but it takes A LOT to get there.

Agree with PP regarding making copies of financial documents and assets and keeping them safe, and if this were me this whole situation would be a deal breaker....I'd be out. Turn those tears into some fire in your belly, find YOUR views on what equates to fair married life and money. Sending you a massive virtual hug. X

As PP have said it’s time to leave it’s only going to get worse.

Since he considers you being a sahm your job, I hope you are also getting an annual holiday allowance? Request a half day off to see your friend!

Ltb, get a divorce. He’s a crap parent and worse husband.

Blimey. Did he even want to be a parent?

Does he do anything with or for them? If not when they are older, they will have nothing to do with him. Maybe worth pointing that out to him and see what he says (or even cares).

His behaviour is unacceptable. Before making a move or mentioning your unhappiness with this situation, I would be rifling through the papers in his office. Company accounts/bank accounts/pension/investments/personal statements. Once someone like this realises that their reign of twattery is over all such items will disappear trust me. Ducks in a row time. And you're great by the way, don't listen to that dickhead.

Also I distinctly remember my mothers abusive partner ranting and raving about getting things into her thick skull and I remember feeling so sad and afraid. This was 25 years ago. The horrible memories never go away. If I were you I'd leave for the sake of your children otherwise you're modelling a terrible relationship to them. My mother never did this and we are no contact permanently, have been for over a decade. Think carefully about the damage any shouting or being horrible is having on your children.

Wow I'm so so sorry he makes life so much harder than it needs to be. Golf is work what the hell. My hubby works fulltime and we have 3 under 3 plus older and the minute he is in he takes over wether making tea or playing with kid etc. He actually dropped his weekend hobby to once a month so I get a break weekends and days off he takes them out or we do family things etc. I've never had to ask for time to myself wether it just be him keeping them downstairs while I have an hour or 2 or him taking them out voluntarily. I'm really sorry but your other half should be downright ashamed of himself

He doesn’t respect or value you at all. You deserve better.

I lived your life for over twenty years. It got worse as the years went on. I didn’t go out socially for most of that time. One of our children reported his treatment of me which (along with a great deal of help from here) helped me get away. It’s lovely, in fact it’s bloody wonderful. I’ve been away five years, and life is easier and better. Our children don’t speak to him, he is a martyr and they’re not interested, and initially pointed out that they witnessed the behaviour he denied. Please get away.

He’s a prick for sure.

I do think that if you are asking him to look after the kids during the working day then you should view it the same as asking him to take leave from work - but its still not unreasonable.

his language to you is awful, personally I’d tell him you’re getting a part time job as then you’ll have a legal right to time off on leave!

Yes I would (looking back) get a job at where you are now OP. Also start getting an idea of your finances and his finances.

Wow so he will literally stoop to insulting your parenting in order to break you down to get his own way?

What a prize cunt. I wouldn't be having any conversations with him. I'd be busy leaving! Cheeky bastard.

Abusive and controlling. Perfect example of coercive control. He has worn you down to the point where you pretty much don't expect to be 'allowed out'. That's what they do - make it so difficult for you to go out that in the end, you just stop trying.

This goes three ways:

You stand firm now. Rock solid firm. Tell him you see what he is doing and you will not be controlled like that.

You leave him.

It gets worse until you are a shell of yourself and he is off on golf weekends and doing fuck knows what.

ps. Golf is not 'work'. Not under any guise.

Get a job and leave this arsehole!