DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

@MsCactus 'get him to watch the kids for you' - they're his children too!

Ignore the socks!

He's financially abusive too. You should go back to work so you're not totally reliant on him.

This is so sad to read OP. What an awful controlling abusive arsehole he is.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. If he has a weekend day to himself would he say yes if you had arranged something on the other?

I don't really understand @MsMarch why this is worthy of comment - & that it seemed to be so memorable for you? Because a man came home and immediately took over the care of his two children so his wife could go out?!?

Time and time again I read stuff like this on Mumsnet (aside from what is clearly a horrible, abusive relationship detailed by the OP). Of course if one parent wants to go out, the other should come home from work and pick up immediately to allow them to do so, if that's what's required and if they both agree that this is fair.

I work full time and my husband is a SAHP and I do this regularly, without fanfair (& indeed, still in my work clothes!). I wonder how many of his male friends would 'remember fondly' me doing this?

He's an abusive wanker. How dare he say that golf is work time??

Does he ever look after your dc?

This is sooo far from normal.

Hi there is nothing ‘traditional’ about his attitude. He is controlling every aspect of your life. Curtailing your personal freedom, and controlling your financial freedom. Without these things you are manacled to him. You are a restricted, restrained woman who under no circumstances should live like this. It’s appalling, degrading and unbelievable in 2023. And all you wanted was to meet a friend for lunch!!!

He does sound extremely controlling and horrible towards you.
what happens if you’re unwell? What do you do at the weekends? Does he ever care for the children alone?
It must be very hard for you. Do you have any family or can you pay for help?

Please get rid of this man. The way he is treating you and talking to you isn’t normal or acceptable. He’s gaslighting you and he has you exactly where he wants you. This is no life, take him to the cleaners.

OF COURSE YOURE NOT WRONG.

He gets to piss about doing a few calls and emails then he's off doing hobbies and sport.

While you are up to your ears in more children than you have hands.

You have a selfish coercive controller who wants you stuck at home where he knows exactly where you are at all times taking all the weight of the free childcare.

The 'thick skull' and 'can't cope' reherences are classic abuser tactics - verbally beat you down, belittle, disrespect, make you feel worthless.

And not wanting you to work but giving you an 'allowance'?

That's keeping you totally financially dependent and helpless with no income, savings or pension.

Do you want to continue?

Do you want your children to witness and learn how to behave from the example that both he and you are setting them?

@rippedjeansniceshoes
Does it matter that he doesn't want you to work ? I give m teenage children and allowance. I would not give an independent adult an allowance. Your very terminology suggests that you are happy in the dependent role. He is giving you the respect that your behavior and mindset commands.

My teenagers have to ask permission to go out.My partner does not ask permission to come and go.

Your DH is not a good man. He is selfish and does not regard you as an equal.

He is also financially abusing you. You are a victim of domestic o abuse OP and ipu need to speak to women's aid for some support

His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time.

It’s not ok for someone to talk to their partner like that. He’s a bully.

Talking to him will accomplish just as much as it has previously, nothing. Abusive men can't be reasoned with and won't change. Leave.

This is abuse, OP. You won't be able to 'talk' to him about it.

He is deliberately controlling you and isolating you.

@rippedjeansniceshoes
OP, why are you asking permission as though you are a child? He is not saying that you cannot go; he is saying that he will not provide child care during his official work schedule. To be honest, much business is conducted on the golf course.

You simply need to schedule and pay for a sitter. You do not need his permission or approval to do that. If he objects , get a job and share the cost of nursery school.

You are his wife, you are not his child. You are long past the time that you needed anyone's permission to make independent adult plans.

Are you afraid of him?

What???? Surely in a normal relationship you don't need to ask permission to do anything. Certainly not the cinema with friends. You just ask him if he's about to have the kids and then go. That's the way me and my partner work, we just check the other doesn't have plans abs off we go. You certainly shouldn't have to wait until your kids are asleep. And gold definitely is not work 🤬
I think you need to read up on coercive control because that is what your partner is doing.

My father didn't want my mother to work, either.... and she was happy not to do so as my father was a very high earner. So she was a stay at home mother ... right up until my father left her for another woman when I was 21. Very long story short, she ended up losing the family home, got a tiny share of the equity (mortgage hadn't been paid in 2 years but the time she was forced by the court to sell) and now lives on a disability pension in a tiny housing association flat (not UK).

He'd cheated on her the whole marriage, he hated family life and even tried to dump her, myself and my two brothers back in her home country (and where myself and younger brother were born) when I was 11. Plan failed at the literal last minute, she found out what he'd tried to do the same day...and still stayed with him, still didn't get a job.

So all I can say is, be aware of what could happen.

He's abusive.

You need to get help, this won't improve. He thinks because he earns the money, even though he barely works, he gets to make all decisions. That not healthy or fair. How are you putting up with this? You must feel so suffocated and oppressed.

I was a SAHM for three years. In that time my husband paid all the bills, transferred me money so we had the same disposable income and I went out whenever I wanted. He would also take the kids when he could as he realised how hard it was.

You need to aim for better, for you and the kids. Money comes and goes, your freedom is priceless.

Oh, OP...it made me so sad reading your post. Your DH's behaviour really isn't normal at all; nor is the way he speaks to you. And you're right, an hour "alone" upstairs, is not a break from 3 kids and a vile man-child.

I've no doubt you're an excellent mum. That doesn't mean you have to care for your children alone, 24/7. You're allowed to have a proper break (outside the house!) and do whatever you want in that time.

It is extremely unlikely his attidues will ever change. That means you need to think through what you really want and what you're prepared to give up/put up with to achieve it. Personally, I think, even if you decide to stay with him, you really need to find a way to start earning money of your own. Money equals freedom and choice. Take care of yourself, OP.

And yes fgs, if you ever do manage to leave him, make sure you have copies of his financials before he cottons on, because as sure as eggs are eggs, he’ll hide his income so he doesn’t pay much maintenance.

Yes please be smart and get as much info as you can.

Someone I work with has had a sibling just divorce. They were disgusted to find that their parent had hidden 50K from the now ex wife and two children so he didn't have to hand any of it over.

Traditional my arse! He’s a bloke whose got you exactly where he wants you whilst being free to do whatever he wants.

I should imagine you have a good relationship so long as you don’t question him or rock the boat! Which you rarely do because the hassle and backlash isn’t worth it. Correct?