Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Laughinglama · 29/08/2023 21:00

Another to say get up and leave ! This is absolutely NOT acceptable. It seems he can do as he pleases, see his friends, do his hobbies whilst you have to beg permission to see a friend once in a while.

you can guarantee if he had needed that time to ‘entertain clients’ ie play golf with his friend it would of been fine.

this is abuse ! I hope you find the strength to leave and find your freedom. Remember he is setting the example to your children a) of how they can treat their future partners and b) how they can expect to be treated by a future partner.

Hibiscrubbed · 29/08/2023 20:56

Unbelievably controlling and abusive. Jesus fucking Christ.

ArabeIIaScott · 29/08/2023 20:54

FishyTree · 29/08/2023 20:45

Clearly, the way he spoke to you was wrong. However, ultimately you are a SAHM and your role is to provide childcare and housework support to enable your DH to work.

Your DH is working during the day. Whether that is attending an office or playing golf is irrelevant. It is ludicrous in my view to declare that he has to watch the kids during his working hours.

You are a SAHM- you cannot just saunter off for lunch and leave the DC to your DH while he is working.

Wow.

This is your response to a woman in an abusive, controlling relationship. Amazing.

QueenBitch666 · 29/08/2023 20:52

Have my first LTB. He's vile

FishyTree · 29/08/2023 20:45

Clearly, the way he spoke to you was wrong. However, ultimately you are a SAHM and your role is to provide childcare and housework support to enable your DH to work.

Your DH is working during the day. Whether that is attending an office or playing golf is irrelevant. It is ludicrous in my view to declare that he has to watch the kids during his working hours.

You are a SAHM- you cannot just saunter off for lunch and leave the DC to your DH while he is working.

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 29/08/2023 20:44

YANBU…he totally is, though.
It’s great his business is doing so well; that will allow for you to arrange a few hours a week, EVERY week, paid crèche / childminder / babysitter to allow you to do as you please, without having to ask his lordship’s permission.
He’s an abusive twunt. I know what I’d do.

Mamabear2424 · 29/08/2023 20:44

Blimey what an asshole, 'thick skull' is rude enough but cant look after his own kids for 2 hours?

Spywoman · 29/08/2023 20:41

JANEY205 · 29/08/2023 18:24

Is he a total moron? Yes clearly he is.

Abusive partners love to throw out ‘you’re lucky you get this, other husbands don’t do this xyz bare minimum thing.’’

OP, my husband does the bedtime routine every evening and often takes our children out for the day or I go out without them and he has them at home all day, so I can have an actual break and out of the house too. They aren’t just my kids!

Your husband is as suspected a shitty, shitty parent and a horrible partner. He sounds abusive and controlling and like your job is just to pander to him. I don’t often advise people to leave but I would strongly suggest counseling and taking an extended visit to your Mum for him to realise you’re serious that this shit is wrong and cannot continue.

Show quote history

I would strongly suggest counseling and taking an extended visit to your Mum for him to realise you’re serious that this shit is wrong and cannot continue.

Just to be clear, I hope the PP didn't mean couples counselling. It isn't recommended with abusive partners because they manipulate the counsellor and they use the information they gain from you when your guard is down against you. Individual counselling would be a good idea though.

Smithy8001 · 29/08/2023 20:36

I hardly ever comment on here, but my God. This is chilling. You are a victim of abuse OP.
You don’t have to live like this. Get you and the kids out before they end up thinking this is a normal way to behave.

Pipsquiggle · 29/08/2023 20:34

He's a controlling twat.
He needs to step up and be a proper parent to his DC.
In situations like this would you be better being a single parent as at least he would have to care for them for a few days every fortnight?

FedUpWithEverything123 · 29/08/2023 20:32

That comment "get it through your thick skull" gave me chills and made me remember it being said to me by my ex husband. Usually before he punched me.

It gave me chills too. It's such a particularly awful thing to say. He exhibits emotional abuse and financial abuse OP, I worry for your physical safety.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/08/2023 20:32

OP you sound like a prisoner talking about your hour alone in the bedroom as a break - at least prisoners get to go outside to exercise though 😫

He has really trodden you down so much but you don't have to live like this. There is a whole world of happiness and freedom out there for you if you LTB - please discuss with a solicitor. Fantastic news is that you're married so have lots of rights - to the house and perhaps the business too. Be very careful - do NOT let him realize you're thinking of leaving until you've sought legal advice please!!

Ps 'thick skull' the fact that you don't even sound shocked by that. Can you IMAGINE talking to anyone with such disrespect and contempt?!

Eleganz · 29/08/2023 20:30

Has he been transported through time from the 80's? Wheeling and dealing on the golf course while wifey waits patiently at home, what a knob!

PumpkinBum3 · 29/08/2023 20:30

JFDIYOLO · 29/08/2023 20:04

Ignore the socks!

😂 I did wonder

PumpkinBum3 · 29/08/2023 20:27

He’s not ‘traditional’ he’s just plain old abusive. It isn’t ‘family money’ it’s actually his money and he gives you just enough so that you can ensure he is fed and looked after like some sort of frigging prize and his children are cared for enough not to bother him for anything.

This is completely in your hands, might not seem like it now but it is. You know this is wrong hence the post and you are getting good advice on this thread.

This won’t change and neither will his bullying little boy mentality. So now it’s up to you for your own sanity and your children’s happy childhood.

FedUpWithEverything123 · 29/08/2023 20:26

Why are you even with such a disgusting man? Leave, you will be much happier

CClaire · 29/08/2023 20:25

I mean he is clearly an a-hole but you presumably know that by this point of the thread! I’m sure it’s already been suggested but can you book a babysitter?

bonzaitree · 29/08/2023 20:22

Get the fuck out now this won’t get better only worse.

backinthebox · 29/08/2023 20:17

He’s a controlling, abusing arse. If you are already looking after the children 23 hrs a day I would be getting you all out of there and filing for divorce. Make sure he pays a suitable amount for childcare in your settlement.

PickUpTheDogAndBone · 29/08/2023 20:08

Go out - with the kids - one day and don't go back. This is abusive.

NotAMug · 29/08/2023 20:07

For all those saying it's his working day, the OP has explain he doesn't work all that time, plus finds time to play golf which is clearly not work. FFS, he's a selfish twat.

Cerridwen83 · 29/08/2023 20:07

OP I hope it's OK to ask this - are you afraid of him? Has he ever laid a hand on you physically?

That comment "get it through your thick skull" gave me chills and made me remember it being said to me by my ex husband. Usually before he punched me.

SquishyGloopyBum · 29/08/2023 20:06

He's gaslighting you.

You're the one who can't cope, yet you have to be around to do bedtime because he can't do it?

He's abusing you op. The financial set up is odd too. I bet he questions your spending....

Dwrcegin · 29/08/2023 20:06

He says this hour alone in the bedroom is my 'child free time' and I should be grateful as not many DH's do this after work?

He needs to fuck right off. An hour in your bedroom fml!

NotAMug · 29/08/2023 20:04

newbie202020 · 29/08/2023 20:02

I don't really understand @MsMarch why this is worthy of comment - & that it seemed to be so memorable for you? Because a man came home and immediately took over the care of his two children so his wife could go out?!?

Time and time again I read stuff like this on Mumsnet (aside from what is clearly a horrible, abusive relationship detailed by the OP). Of course if one parent wants to go out, the other should come home from work and pick up immediately to allow them to do so, if that's what's required and if they both agree that this is fair.

I work full time and my husband is a SAHP and I do this regularly, without fanfair (& indeed, still in my work clothes!). I wonder how many of his male friends would 'remember fondly' me doing this?

Show quote history

Agreed, why are expectations so low towards fathers. Its quite sad.