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Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Dontknowwhatjusthappened · 29/08/2023 21:23

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MHmumbest · 29/08/2023 21:22
  1. Get paid childcare.
  2. Improve your skills / reach out to former career network / obtain qualifications
  3. Return to p/t or f/t work
  4. Start saving in a separate account for your emergency fund!
Dontknowwhatjusthappened · 29/08/2023 21:22

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Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/08/2023 21:22

@FishyTree

The working parent in this scenario isn't under pressure though. They work from home for a few hours a day. No commute. Play golf and go for drinks with friends. Spend half the weekend on a hobby. Surely this relaxed, freetime-to-do-things-you-enjoy, lifestyle should be available to both partners in a marriage?

azlazee1 · 29/08/2023 21:20

Time to stand up for yourself. He is not working, he just doesn't want any responsibility. I agree with others that are saying you should go. You are not his worker, he doesn't own you and you have a right to a life that includes time out of the house with friends. If you don't stand up for yourself now, this selfishness will just continue.

YoBeaches · 29/08/2023 21:19

Dotcheck · 29/08/2023 21:08

You have no access to money, he doesn’t want you to work, restricts the time you spend without children and repeatedly insults you.

OP, please, please get a job, or start training so you can be financially independent.

Divorce will likely allow her to be financially independent also.

Wonder whether he'd want the kids 50/50 OP...

You are trapped and wholly controlled by your husband. Some call it traditional, others call it abusive.

It is the latter OP. You need an exit strategy.

TaiDee · 29/08/2023 21:17

Shouldn’t we all take a moment to welcome first-time poster, @FishyTree , to Mumsnet?

gherkeen · 29/08/2023 21:16

He's an abuser and his attitude to money stinks considering you are saving him an absolute fortune in childcare

Rockschooldropout · 29/08/2023 21:15

FishyTree · 29/08/2023 21:07

@Someoneonlyyouknow

In my view it is pretty generous giving a SAHM an hour of time off childcare every single day! I would show y the vast majority of SAHPs are on duty in the evening on weeknights with childcare and preparing dinner etc.

the 1950s called, they want you back

CrazyArmadilloLady · 29/08/2023 21:14

Ask him why he’s so scared of parenting his own kids.

If it’s so easy for you - why won’t be do it?

Honestly? Just go out. He’s not your jailor.

And when you get back, begin making plans to separate.

Toenailz · 29/08/2023 21:13

Dotcheck · 29/08/2023 21:08

You have no access to money, he doesn’t want you to work, restricts the time you spend without children and repeatedly insults you.

OP, please, please get a job, or start training so you can be financially independent.

He's hardly going to allow her to get a job, is he.

HipHipWhoRay · 29/08/2023 21:12

Book a babysitter for lunch and head out. You were asking if he could do it. If he can’t have a back up. Could your mum even come round and be with kids whilst you head out?

FishyTree · 29/08/2023 21:12

@Dontknowwhatjusthappened

The whole purpose of a SAHP is to support the working parent by providing childcare and housework support. That means being on duty during the working week and taking the pressure off the working parent.

The vast majority of working parents do not get an hour to themselves on weeknights so Imo it is extremely generous of the DH to facilitate a parent who does not work to have this!

Pepperama · 29/08/2023 21:11

He doesn’t seem to understand his role as dad. I’d help him by going out at least three nights a week. You work all day looking after the kids so 5pm onwards is time where kids need to be shared equally.

Toenailz · 29/08/2023 21:11

Are you usually this wet, op?

I get that he's abusive, but for goodness sake do you actually really need to ask this? You already know. I struggle to believe an adult woman with children isn't sure on the answer on this one. If someone was treating your children like this (when they grow up), what would your answer be?

Make use of the resources that have been recommended to you on the thread. Only you can do it.

Dontknowwhatjusthappened · 29/08/2023 21:09

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Beetlebuggy · 29/08/2023 21:09

FishyTree · 29/08/2023 21:07

@Someoneonlyyouknow

In my view it is pretty generous giving a SAHM an hour of time off childcare every single day! I would show y the vast majority of SAHPs are on duty in the evening on weeknights with childcare and preparing dinner etc.

That's sarcasm, right? 🙏

Dontknowwhatjusthappened · 29/08/2023 21:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Dotcheck · 29/08/2023 21:08

You have no access to money, he doesn’t want you to work, restricts the time you spend without children and repeatedly insults you.

OP, please, please get a job, or start training so you can be financially independent.

Tourist29 · 29/08/2023 21:07

Sorry I know this isn’t the point but can you run a successful business with so little input? Am I the only one curious about that aspect?

FishyTree · 29/08/2023 21:07

@Someoneonlyyouknow

In my view it is pretty generous giving a SAHM an hour of time off childcare every single day! I would show y the vast majority of SAHPs are on duty in the evening on weeknights with childcare and preparing dinner etc.

Dontknowwhatjusthappened · 29/08/2023 21:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RaisinCain · 29/08/2023 21:02

It is so bloody upsetting that women in the western world, with so many choices, are still living like this. Dogsbodies for their husbands, doing all the childcare for lazy, spoilt men …and can’t even get an evening off!

Your life sounds so limited, and your DH sounds spoilt and entitled and way too used to controlling you. I would worry about your long term future here. Being a SAHM you are so reliant on him and have to ‘toe the line’. It’s a shitty way to live.

Longer term I would personally be looking at getting back to work and he can pay for childcare and a cleaner if his business is doing so well. You need a long term plan because this guy clearly doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Short term, you need to think about how you are going to deal with him, though, and this ridiculous situation where your needs don’t count.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/08/2023 21:02

FishyTree · 29/08/2023 20:45

Clearly, the way he spoke to you was wrong. However, ultimately you are a SAHM and your role is to provide childcare and housework support to enable your DH to work.

Your DH is working during the day. Whether that is attending an office or playing golf is irrelevant. It is ludicrous in my view to declare that he has to watch the kids during his working hours.

You are a SAHM- you cannot just saunter off for lunch and leave the DC to your DH while he is working.

How do you account for the "you're lucky to get" one hour a day alone time (still within the home) and the abusive twat's inability to put HIS children to bed? There is no fair division of work and childcare outside of 9 - 5.

TaiDee · 29/08/2023 21:02

FishyTree · 29/08/2023 20:45

Clearly, the way he spoke to you was wrong. However, ultimately you are a SAHM and your role is to provide childcare and housework support to enable your DH to work.

Your DH is working during the day. Whether that is attending an office or playing golf is irrelevant. It is ludicrous in my view to declare that he has to watch the kids during his working hours.

You are a SAHM- you cannot just saunter off for lunch and leave the DC to your DH while he is working.

The OP didn’t ‘declare’ that she was going to ‘saunter off’. She asked her DH if she could, and just asking the question has provoked and angry reaction.

A SAHP should be able to ask their DP for a couple of hours out of the house without fear of being met with hostility.