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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP didn't come home last night

208 replies

sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 09:35

DP went out last night, absolutely fine, he would normally be back midnightish but know this can be sometimes like 3 when him and his friends have a good time and end up at a club. I don't sleep great when he is out as I'm sort of waiting for him to come in and aware he hasn't. Called a couple of times at around 3.30 and he called back shortly after, said he was fine they'd all gone back to a friends house and he'd be home shortly. He messaged at 5.30 to say sorry he'd fell asleep, back shortly. It's now 9.30 and still not back. I assume he's fine and managed to get a lot more sleep than me, I feel like I haven't slept at all. I don't think there's any funny business happened and he is just on a friends sofa. We have lunch out today booked with some of his family though, AIBU to now not go, I feel and look horrendous and slightly peeved at his selfishness as I'm nearly 20 weeks pregnant and he knows how I worry if he stays out all night, luckily it's only ever happened once before.

OP posts:
Clowninja · 27/08/2023 10:15

Try not to worry or be too cross when he gets home, it will only ruin your day.

I found with my DH when we were pregnant that his friends often encouraged him to get more wasted and stay out later at this time, using the old "X number of months of child-freedom left" etc line

EverybodyLTB · 27/08/2023 10:13

I’m surprised at the responses.

He kept saying he’ll be back soon, I wouldn’t be able to sleep either - I’d keep thinking the door was going. It’s different if someone goes out leaving you in the full understanding they’ll be staying at a mate’s house, but the constant putting the time back is out of order. Also I don’t see why adults need to be out partying through the night at this life stage, when your partner is indoors pregnant. Life doesn’t need to stop when you’re having/have a baby, but the wild nights where you go off at your leisure with no thoughts to the people at home I feel need to be reined in a bit.

Justcallmebebes · 27/08/2023 10:12

Bit childish not to go to lunch. Can't you get a couple of hours kip now?

CKL987 · 27/08/2023 10:10

I am the same as you but recognise my anxiety is not for someone else to have to change their behaviour over, especially when it is not a high risk behaviour. However, that being said, I'm sure my partner would consider how I respond and behave to things and adjust his behaviour accordingly if I was pregnant.

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 10:08

Womencanlift · 27/08/2023 09:53

YABU. He told you he was at his friends, you could have said ok see you in the morning and go to sleep

As a pp said this anxiety about not sleeping until he gets is bad and something you should look at.

It would be petty to not go for lunch.

I agree. Your sleep pattern isn't his responsibility, it's yours.

Cosycover · 27/08/2023 10:07

Does he do coke?
Because I don't believe the whole 'fell asleep' excuse.

onanotherday · 27/08/2023 10:07

..and so it begins...

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 10:06

You had contact at 3.30 then again at 5.30. You know he's safe. He can decide for himself how he comes and goes. Stop worrying.

Lindy2 · 27/08/2023 10:06

He should have phoned or messaged to say he was staying out overnight. Hopefully he will arrive home soon or phone you.

There's no reason to miss lunch though. Go out today but have an early night tonight.

You'll get used to sleepless nights once you become a parent!

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2023 10:05

Bet he is going to be the life and soul at lunchtime.

BrawnWild · 27/08/2023 10:05

Yabu to not go to lunch. Only, yubwill have to do a lot more on a lot less sleep when the baby arrives.

Next time you should both agree that you expect him out all night or he could sleep in the spare room, book a hotel or stay at a friends house so you know not to expect him back in bed. If he comes home then it's a bonus.

I do sympathise with you to some degree, I can't settle if DP stays up later as I'm subconsciously waiting to be woken up.

Lostinplaces · 27/08/2023 10:03

You knew where he was, that he was safe. this is anxiety of not being able to sleep without him is on you. It’s pretty obvious he was to out of it to wake up properly and make his way home. Be annoyed with him for not being straight and just saying he’ll sleep
it off at his mates but ruining your own lunch out because of this is passive aggressive.

76evie · 27/08/2023 10:02

i think he is totally out of order for not coming home. He is a grown adult about to be a father so should be more responsible. If you’re going to stay out all night, arrange it before hand, so you can tell your partner I’m staying out and will be home in the morning, you don’t just leave them at home worrying!

With regards to the dinner, if you are too tired to go then I don’t think it’s unreasonable not to go, given you didn’t get alot of sleep due to your partner but it’s a shame if you was looking forward to it.

liveforsummer · 27/08/2023 09:59

It sounds like he intended to come back but fell back asleep. Not ideal but not the end of the world either. It's a shame you couldn't sleep but most people manage to still go about their day after one bad nights sleep so I'm sure you'll be fine for lunch. Just have a nap after or get an early night sounds like this was a once off rather than a pattern and he did stay in contact so you knew nothing bad had happened so I couldnt get too angry about it all

Allthecatsandcosyblankets · 27/08/2023 09:57

If you don't feel up to the lunch just don't go. He should have let you know he wouldn't be home, a text would have taken seconds.

10HailMarys · 27/08/2023 09:55

He should have been better at letting you know what was going on, but I don’t think your husband kipping on a mate’s sofa after a night out is a big deal at all. Once you knew where he was, I don’t really get why you were still unable to sleep.

I’d rather my DP had slept at a friend’s house than stumbled through the door drunk in the early hours and woken me up by crawling into bed!

I think it would be petty for you to refuse to go to lunch in retaliation. If it’s any consolation I suspect going to a family meal with a raging hangover will be punishment enough.

2chocolateoranges · 27/08/2023 09:54

I m like you and don’t sleep great until everyone is back home. Dd was working until 2am this morning and ds was out clubbing. I was ready for a sleepless night but ds text to say he was staying at his mates. Queue a better night sleep.

Its common courtesy to let people you live with know that you won’t be back home that night.

i wouldn’t mention lunch out and if he comes home in time just tell him you haven’t slept well and you are going back to bed.

Womencanlift · 27/08/2023 09:53

YABU. He told you he was at his friends, you could have said ok see you in the morning and go to sleep

As a pp said this anxiety about not sleeping until he gets is bad and something you should look at.

It would be petty to not go for lunch.

Tiredmum100 · 27/08/2023 09:53

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 09:39

I think you'll be massively overreacting to not go for lunch because he stayed at his mates.

How did you manage to sleep before you met him and then lived with him?

I don't think she's being unreasonable she wasn't able to sleep properly. The op was A) probably listening out for him B) used to sleeping next to him. She may have managed to sleep perfectly fine on her own before meeting him, but if she's been sharing a bed with him for the last few years, I don't think it's unreasonable she struggled to sleep with out him there. I would be the same if it were my husband. I'm used to the body next to me in the bed 🤷‍♀️

FMSucks · 27/08/2023 09:52

But he didn’t keep her up all night. She kept herself up all night. He’s a grown ass adult. Don’t get me wrong I’m not one of the “cool wives” before someone says it and used to be like this fretting over another adult and playing the martyr. Your priority is yourself and your baby growing in your belly. Go get some rest now and you’ll be perfectly fine for lunch.

BiIIie · 27/08/2023 09:52

Stripping it back what's he actually done wrong? Is it simply just that you wanted him home? If so why? So you knew where he was? Trust issues? Or that you don't sleep when he's not there? That's a bit unfair to him if it's because you don't sleep, can he never be without you in that case? Holidays, weekends away, work trips?

Original poster
sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 09:51

@scrantonelectriccity exactly, I was actually really looking forward to it, I'm not trying to punish him or cause an issue

@rand0mstuff it's not so much anxiety of him not being back, I worry about him yes, but it's more you're almost just listening out to be woken up any minute

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 27/08/2023 09:50

I'd still go out for lunch, then chill out this afternoon. Explain to your dh not to do it again or to let you know he's staying at friends at the start of his night so you can sleep without listening out for him.

scrantonelectriccity · 27/08/2023 09:48

I don't think she's trying to punish him by not going for lunch she's just too tired to go due to his selfishness keeping her up all night!

Weenurse · 27/08/2023 09:47

Don’t go and use him as your excuse.
”Sorry, I feel wrecked as DH did not come home last night and I didn’t sleep waiting up for him.”

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