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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP didn't come home last night

208 replies

sundaysareafunday · 27/08/2023 09:35

DP went out last night, absolutely fine, he would normally be back midnightish but know this can be sometimes like 3 when him and his friends have a good time and end up at a club. I don't sleep great when he is out as I'm sort of waiting for him to come in and aware he hasn't. Called a couple of times at around 3.30 and he called back shortly after, said he was fine they'd all gone back to a friends house and he'd be home shortly. He messaged at 5.30 to say sorry he'd fell asleep, back shortly. It's now 9.30 and still not back. I assume he's fine and managed to get a lot more sleep than me, I feel like I haven't slept at all. I don't think there's any funny business happened and he is just on a friends sofa. We have lunch out today booked with some of his family though, AIBU to now not go, I feel and look horrendous and slightly peeved at his selfishness as I'm nearly 20 weeks pregnant and he knows how I worry if he stays out all night, luckily it's only ever happened once before.

OP posts:
Itsnotrightbutitsok · 27/08/2023 11:22

YABU
You spoke to him a couple of times so you knew he was ok, so I’m not sure why you’re so anxious.

Its not fair that if he’s not back by a certain time you’re ringing him and that isn’t good for anyone.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t go to sleep and he’ll be back when he’s back.
I’d hate to have a curfew and have my DH ring me because I’m not back at a certain time.

You are being dramatic to skip lunch.
Have a shower and go and have fun.

MillWood85 · 27/08/2023 11:22

What a prize specimen of a man you've chosen to breed with.

Good luck, you're going to need it.

Mostlyoblivious · 27/08/2023 11:21

Yeah he was wrong to keep you hanging about when he’d return. He should just stay at a mates house or perhaps on the sofa.

could he be freaking out a bit about becoming a Dad?

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 27/08/2023 11:20

There's a difference between punishment and consequence. Punishment is OP saying you didn't come home so now I'm not speaking to you and won't come out to lunch. Consequence is I had no sleep last night because you didn't let me know you weren't coming home so I'm too tired to go out to lunch, I'm going to stay home and take a nap.

xyz111 · 27/08/2023 11:19

100% still go for lunch. Don't let him make you miss out.

Cowlover89 · 27/08/2023 11:18

Yanbu

doitwithlove · 27/08/2023 11:18

@sundaysareafunday Is he home yet ?!??

Clymene · 27/08/2023 11:16

@Mamette dramatic? Realistic

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2023 11:14

Bet it will be fine for him to pull spontaneous all nighters too when the baby is here.

Hope he isn’t driving this morning

EmmaEmerald · 27/08/2023 11:12

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 10:06

You had contact at 3.30 then again at 5.30. You know he's safe. He can decide for himself how he comes and goes. Stop worrying.

Blimey
I live alone
I can stay out all night and not impact on anyone

but he can't, and waking up his partner with updates is downright selfish.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2023 11:12

If I was staying out all night I would tell DH (as he would tell me). Would also expect DS to let us know

Yey · 27/08/2023 11:09

You will only punish yourself by not going.

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 11:08

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 11:07

Sometimes you don't know. There was contact at 3.30 and 5.30. He didn't do anything wrong. He's allowed to change his mind and stay out. Yes...really he is. Just like you can.

Exactly 💯

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 11:07

Sometimes you don't know. There was contact at 3.30 and 5.30. He didn't do anything wrong. He's allowed to change his mind and stay out. Yes...really he is. Just like you can.

toomuchlaundry · 27/08/2023 11:05

It’s usually good manners to say you are going to be out all night though

Prelapsarianhag · 27/08/2023 11:05

Grownups are allowed to stay out all night if they want. You not sleeping is not his fault.

thishasnotmyweek · 27/08/2023 11:04

To be honest once he’d said at 3:30 he’d gone back to his friends house, I would have assumed (no matter what he said because drunk people lie) that he wasn’t going to come home until the next morning.

I don’t really understand this whole ‘I can’t sleep while my partner is out because I’m waiting for them to come home’, they’re grown adults who can look after themselves. Why stress yourself out worrying about them?

It’s not his fault you can’t sleep without him - and if this is a rare night out with mates that got a bit out of hand and not a regular occurrence, I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for your lack of sleep.

Mamette · 27/08/2023 11:04

Clymene · 27/08/2023 10:28

GrinGrinGrinGrin

A guy who stays out all nights doing drugs with his mates when his partner is 20 weeks pregnant isnt going to suddenly turn into a saint once the baby arrives.

Show quote history

You’re a dramatic one aren’t you?

You don’t know he was doing drugs.

And not staying out all night does not equal being a saint.

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 11:04

5128gap · 27/08/2023 10:59

Do you think it could possibly have been due to the fact that you don't worry about people you've never met not showing up at the expected time, because you've never met them, so wouldn't expect them to show up at all?
Or that people you've never met don't get into bed with you at some point in the night, so you can settle knowing you wont be disturbed by these people you've never met...? Just a thought.🤔

Show quote history

Nope. I loved it when exh stayed out/went out. I'd change the bed, have a bath and go to bed early and watch something that he wouldn't have wanted to watch whilst eating chocolate and enjoy the bed to myself until whenever he came back.

I don't martyr myself over my 18yr old either. If she's out she has a key, if there's an emergency she can ring me till I wake up, I still go to sleep as normal.

VisionsOfSplendour · 27/08/2023 11:03

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 09:39

I think you'll be massively overreacting to not go for lunch because he stayed at his mates.

How did you manage to sleep before you met him and then lived with him?

Isn't it totally normal to not sleep great when you know that someone is out but dont know for sure what time they'll be back? Absolutely nothing like living alone.

pictoosh · 27/08/2023 11:01

On mumsnet, men in relationships forfeit the right to have interests, friends, hobbies, get drunk, stay out, a close relationship with their families and generally most other things that aren't going to work and adhering to their wife's agenda.

As much as this place is brilliant in spotting red flags, it sure does excuse their own.

ZolaBudd · 27/08/2023 11:00

I bet you, he’s got a lady friend

5128gap · 27/08/2023 10:59

CattyCattle · 27/08/2023 09:39

I think you'll be massively overreacting to not go for lunch because he stayed at his mates.

How did you manage to sleep before you met him and then lived with him?

Do you think it could possibly have been due to the fact that you don't worry about people you've never met not showing up at the expected time, because you've never met them, so wouldn't expect them to show up at all?
Or that people you've never met don't get into bed with you at some point in the night, so you can settle knowing you wont be disturbed by these people you've never met...? Just a thought.🤔

crosstheriver · 27/08/2023 10:58

Ohyesreally · 27/08/2023 10:51

Can people not go out and have a good time without getting completely shit faced? Surely you get to a certain age and you just grow up and mature out of stumbling out of pubs/clubs/takeaways. Embarrassing.

Exactly. A grown man doing that is one who can't accept he's no longer a student, and that kind of attitude is unattractive. We all get older. Deal with it. Life is different in each decade, and you have to accept and adapt to that, or you're going to waste it just being nostalgic about a life that doesn't exist anymore.

I have no issue with a DP staying out late with friends or even going away with friends without me. The issue I have is if he feels he can only be himself and/or have a good time by getting shit-faced. It also suggests strongly he's a part of 'lad' culture, and that tends to go hand in hand with treating women as less than.

liveforsummer · 27/08/2023 10:57

Surely you don't have to be off your face or really drunk to accidentally fall asleep at 4am? Doesn't mean he was wasted. Chances are I might when getting home to a warm house and a comfy sofa too even after a couple

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