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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dislike being called tall?

208 replies

Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 09:18

Brief context: I’m between 5’8 and 5’9, so above average but not some kind of giant, have suffered a lifetime of bullying (though not necessarily about height) and am also naturally self conscious.

I’ve found some people make comments about me being tall. My ex’s grandma (from a family of wildly below-average height people) once simply said to me at a Christmas gathering “aren’t you tall?”

I didn’t know her, probably met her maybe twice? We’d never held a conversation with one another other than to say hello. I felt it was unnecessary and a bit insensitive.

Yesterday I was at a wedding as my boyfriend’s plus 1 (his sons wedding). I didn’t know anyone, never met them before. We were conversing with another couple, who my bf had known for many years. At one point, the man in the couple (not very tall himself) made a comment along the lines of “you’re a tall girl” or similar. No reason for it, and didn’t sound malicious, but I just felt wildly uncomfortable, and a bit annoyed. I was wearing heels (always as low as possible because of being conscious of myself and NOT wanting to look too tall) so slightly above my usual height. (Not the case at the Christmas gathering situation above).

In both these situations I feel it would be inappropriate for my reply to be “and you’re very short aren’t you?”, and it would be even MORE offensive for me to bring it up out of nowhere “gosh, aren’t you short?”

Is it just me? I think that any body-related comments are completely inappropriate: mentioning someone’s height, weight, hair colour, or literally any other defining characteristic. Especially when you don’t know the person from Adam?!

I find it honestly bizarre and insulting. I realise this probably isn’t the intention, but you’ve no idea how people feel about themselves. Anything more than a generic “you look nice” (if you really MUST comment on appearance) feels inappropriate to me.

There have been other instances too, but this recent one just made me want to ask other’s opinions?

OP posts:
Anomummy · 27/08/2023 14:51

Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 09:28

It’s more a genuine question as to why it’s ok to say “you’re tall” but feels inappropriate to comment on any other bodily feature? Not something I think of daily or anything, just happened yesterday and thought I’d put it out there! I don’t lose sleep, but it annoys me at the time.

I guess if you’re someone that enjoys being a bit taller, so enjoy the comments, or doesn’t get comments, then you wouldn’t consider it.

Show quote history

I think most people think commenting on being tall is pretty inoffensive comment and is unlikely to be misconstrued as anything other than a passing comment or noting that it comes with advantages, or that they are a little jealous..... I'm 5'11 and have never thought to take the comments as anything else.

*Would only comment on the height of a shorter person if they were a very close friend as part of our banter......

Wanderingowl · 27/08/2023 14:41

Western societal belief is that tall is positive, short is negative.

I really don't think that's true at all or more accurately that's true for men. If anything, the opposite is true for women.

Interestingly we also have better overall health, age slower and as a consequence live notably longer.

Crispyperifries · 27/08/2023 14:39

I’m taller than you and honestly can’t remember the last time someone mentioned my height, must be years ago when I was a young teen and taller than everyone else at that stage. Strange that you seem to be getting so many comments.

Original poster
Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 14:33

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 27/08/2023 12:06

”you’re a tall girl” or similar. No reason for it, and didn’t sound malicious, but I just felt wildly uncomfortable, and a bit annoyed
This is an extreme reaction?!
Do you think being tall is a negative thing? (You’re not that tall, anyway)
If he’d said fat I could understand your discomfort, but a comment on someone’s height shouldn’t be upsetting at all.
Imagining it to be potentially malicious says more about your own hang ups, really.

Why is it extreme? Why is it ok for someone to feel insecure about their weight, and it to be incredibly rude for someone to call them fat, but no one is allowed to feel conscious of always being one of the tallest women, and it’s somehow NOT rude to then point out to them how tall they are?

You can’t dictate to anyone what attribute they can or can’t feel conscious about. Even if you have the same attribute, you haven’t walked in their shoes.

I outright said it didn’t seem malicious, so not sure why you’ve completely misquoted me there. My point is that it was insensitive and rude. Completely unnecessary, in the same way it would be rude and unnecessary for me to point out he was short and bald. I just wouldn’t have done it.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 27/08/2023 14:31

The reality is people do comment on how short people are too. As I know full well.

Wanderingowl · 27/08/2023 14:31

I guess we all feel how we feel but I get commentary on my shortness all the time and it couldn't bother me less. I am short, whatever. Comment, don't comment, I don't care.

girljulian · 27/08/2023 14:31

I agree with PP, it’s meant to be a compliment because being tall is seen as desirable whereas being short is an inadequacy, traditionally, but yeah, it’s rude! You are quite tall at 5’8 but not remarkably so. I am 5’5 which I think is pretty much exactly average — I know people a bit taller and people a bit shorter than me and I’m usually in the middle.

However, when I was at primary school I was always the tallest in my class (while also being the youngest) and teachers used to regularly describe me as a “big strong girl” and then ask me to help carry chairs and things. They clearly thought this was complimentary phrasing but it just made me feel like they were calling me fat. Wish people would just learn to say nothing!

PrincessHoneysuckle · 27/08/2023 14:29

I'm 5ft 10 and don't often get comments tbh

Bethanbee · 27/08/2023 14:27

People shouldn't comment on how others look but being tall is widely seen as a good thing so there people are complimenting you.

Original poster
Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 14:22

electriclight · 27/08/2023 10:42

Tall is considered to be desirable so I think that's why people feel that it's ok to say it - like complimenting an outfit or saying you've got great hair.

I suppose some people can't cope with any sort of comment about their appearance, not even a positive comment, but that's so unusual that it's their problem to work through or endure imo and you can't really expect people to instinctively know that they're going to offend you if they say anything at all about your appearance.

Completely different to commenting on being short, fat, bad hair, ugly etc as all broadly considered to be unwanted characteristics.

As mentioned earlier, if it was actually phrased as a compliment, and coming from another woman who wanted to be tall (and thus couldn’t understand that tall people may feel conscious of it) then it would be more tolerable. Eg “I’d love to be tall like you” not simply saying “you’re tall” which as mentioned by a pp, makes you feel like you’ve been noticed for being some huge, unwieldy freak.

I can, and should, expect people to be polite enough to not make a comment on my physical attributes which I have no control over. A general “you look nice” or similar is a more appropriate compliment if someone were genuinely trying to tell me they liked how I looked.

Tall isn’t universally desirable, therefore it can’t just be assumed to be a positive thing to point out.

Not something I lose sleep over, but rude and ignorant for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 14:17

heatherheathe · 27/08/2023 10:41

you literally said "It’s more a genuine question as to why it’s ok to say “you’re tall” but feels inappropriate to comment on any other bodily feature? "

Which is why I responded explaining that YOU might think it feels inappropriate to comment on other bodily features but the vast majority of the population don't agree and DO comment on other bodily features, you just wouldn't be aware of it if you don't have those bodily features!

You could say the same about lots of things...for example a few years ago if I heard a friend complaining about how often she gets compliments about her 'lovely curly hair' I would have thought she was being OTT as people were just being nice...having learned more about racial micro-aggressions etc. I understand why (even if meant with good intentions) repeated comments, requests to touch said hair etc. can be upsetting/annoying.

Or "you're so skinny' - being slim (like being tall) is generally considered a positive thing, but as posters have explained doesn't mean it's always welcomed to be pointed out all the time.

I don't know why you're so focussed on 'people shouldn't comment when others are slightly taller than average because it might hurt their feelings' rather than 'commenting on any aspect of someone's physical appearance could potentially be unwelcome'.

Show quote history

I’ve literally said, on more than one occasion, it’s not appropriate to comment on people’s physical attributes. The point I am making is that being tall appears to be considered acceptable to comment on, and I can’t understand why.

Like your friends hair, people may think they’re being complementary, or even just think they’re kit being rude, when actually they are.

Once again, I didn’t say that no one makes other rude comments to people, what I’m saying is that those other comments are accepted as being rude! And confirming to those who are unaware that it’s also rude to comment that someone is tall. Absolutely agree regarding skinny - same thing, no appropriate to comment as you’ve no idea how they feel about it. Of course I used height as it’s the one I’ve been subject to myself, but I’ve literally already covered all the points you keep making?!

OP posts:
Rubyupbeat · 27/08/2023 14:15

I am 6ft and ginger, so you can imagine the things I got said to me, even as an adult .
I can't see how the comments you received were bad, unless you have a problem with being tall, which you aren't, really

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 27/08/2023 14:08

I am also tall and l just reply "Yes, like a beautiful sunflower".

I often get asked at work to get items off the top shelves for the shorter customers.
l remember when l was much younger and a lad l liked at a party remarked "Your really long". At the time l wasn't impressed but it does make me smile now.

Original poster
Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 14:04

Mercurial123 · 27/08/2023 13:02

You're being sensitive. I'm 5'9" it is tall compared to the average in the UK of 5' 3". It could be worse. I've been told I was too tall to be a woman in India and a giraffe in Thailand...

If I was being sensitive I’d have gone and cried in a corner. Instead I just felt miffed and thought “how rude and ignorant”. I then wondered if others felt the same.

Even if someone is thick skinned, which you wouldn’t know anyway if they’re a stranger, it’s not appropriate to make comments on their physical attributes.

We don’t need people to tell us how tall we are - we have tape measures, we walk about amongst other folk every days. It’s not something we need to be informed about.

OP posts:
AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 27/08/2023 13:59

Considering men's reactions to the 12ft vampire lady in that video game

I'd say men do fine tall women attractive

electriclight · 27/08/2023 13:57

I guess the summary of all of this is sometimes people point out physical attributes. Often, the recipient isn't bothered and sees it as harmless smalltalk. Sometimes, the recipient is upset or annoyed about it and needs to decide whether to let it go or challenge them on it. Personally, unless the intention is to insult or offend, I would choose to let it go.

Original poster
Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 13:56

Need to catch up on replies, but just want to say thanks to all those tall (and short) folk out there who understand where I’m coming from! Relived that it’s not just me that finds this rude and inappropriate, and props to all those who have the guts to say something back (an observation of course, not an “insult” 😜)

Regarding insecurities, everyone has them to some degree, and my own won’t help here, but that’s not entirely to blame. It’s still not appropriate. It could even eventually wear down the most confident of people and make them self conscious.

At the end of the day, bullying of any kind is simply picking out someone’s differences and making something out of it - whether that’s height, weight, race, glasses, sexuality etc. So on the whole it’s not nice to have your differences pointed out to you in such a way. That’s how I look at it anyway, and is why I’d never go up to someone and comment on their physical attributes, appearance, or anything else about them they’ve no control over.

OP posts:
TragicMuse · 27/08/2023 13:54

I think I'd prepare a set of comments that aren't rude but which stop people when they say that.

Things like

'Nah, it's just clever dressing'
'It's all mirrors and lighting'
'Yes, isn't it simply wonderful?!'

Things that leave them with nowhere to go.

Merapi · 27/08/2023 13:52

I can't believe the number of people saying YABU.

To be honest, I think it is bloody rude of people to comment on the appearance of others, whether or not they think it is a positive. For years, DH has had many people say to him "Ooh, aren't you thin?!". Well yes, he is, but how rude of people to point it out. They wouldn't say "Ooh, aren't you fat?!" so why do they think it is appropriate to comment on his thin-ness?

It is totally crass and appalling bad manners to remark on someone else's bodily features.

Original poster
Wednesdayweekday · 27/08/2023 13:51

DelphiniumBlue · 27/08/2023 10:09

Yes, personal comments can often be seen as rude, even if they are not intended as such. Best not to take it personally, the people uttering them are usually just not very socially aware.
But I'm intrigued that your boyfriend would take a plus one to his own son's wedding. What's the background to that?

How do you mean? Why would he not take me with him?

he was married previously, they had a son, now divorced and he’s with me. Son got married, so I went with my bf as his partner

OP posts:
PureAmazonian · 27/08/2023 13:50

I'm 5'10 and have always enjoyed being taller than average. When someone makes a comment like the ones you're talking about I just thank them! ✌🏼

NIparty · 27/08/2023 13:49

electriclight · 27/08/2023 12:56

I find this thread so weird. I'm tall. People sometimes comment. We then make smalltalk. I'm really surprised at how many people get angry or upset by this, pp describing it as 'draining' etc.

If it happens only sometimes, and you don't mind it, fair enough.

For me, I don't like it. And it literally happens daily. On the street, clients in work, in the supermarket. It makes me very self conscious. That is draining. I'm also more than my height, but yet it's the only thing new people talk to me about. I fail to see how anyone can't recognise that as draining?

And a lot of the comments are derogatory. Are you really that tall or are you standing on a box? What's the weather like up there? Oh you're a big tall girl. You'll never get a man being that height. Bean pole. Bean stalk. Lanky. Being referred to as "legs" or "legs 11" instead of my name. I don't care what anyone says, they are not compliments. And maybe there are a few nice genuine ones in yhe middle, but when you're so worn down with the derogatory ones, you miss them.

It's just so unnecessary. Even if it's just an observational "you're tall!" - well, yes I know. I didn't wake up this morning for the first time at 6ft aged 35!

I would love to be short. Used to wish for it so badly in my teen years. Desperately. Yet I still manage to walk past short people without pointing out that they are short, despite me thinking its a compliment because it's what I would like for myself. It's still unsolicited. It's still uninvited. Its still rude. If I'm lacking for small talk, the weather is a universally safe topic! And no, not the weather "up here."

The thing I've disliked the most about this thread, is some tall women poster about how it makes them uncomfortable, and people telling us we're wrong to feel uncomfortable because x y z.

HashBrownandBeans · 27/08/2023 13:48

ShouldIbeLeftWithLess · 27/08/2023 13:41

Oh of course. I just don't understand how people define femininity by height. I am a tall woman myself and find it disheartening that some women want to feel feminine but don't because of their height.

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Probably due to the constant comments over the last 30 odd years about being butch, too tall, manly, a bouncer, a German shot putter, a drag Queen…all by short men trying to neg me.

HashBrownandBeans · 27/08/2023 13:46

I’ve had this my whole life, I’m 6ft1, and trust me it is not complimentary. It’s usually commented on by short men who feel threatened by me and are trying their negging techniques out on me. It’s depressing.

Dotcheck · 27/08/2023 13:41

PosterBoy · 27/08/2023 12:54

You mean ... society thinks ...

The same as society thinks being handsome or beautiful is better than being plain, slim better than fat etc. They are just societal beliefs.

Some cultures believe being fat is a positive, as an example. Some probably value shortness more than tallness.

It's just the societal norm. Western societal belief is that tall is positive, short is negative. We can still individually believe the opposite but that's an individual thing. It doesn't change the societal norm.

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Not all of society. It is an individual preference.

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