To have told him I want a divorce

Your husband is abusive towards you and your children. You need to get fixed contact sorted not this flexi 50/50 set up. 50/50 is madness given how awful he is. Sorry OP but however hard it is you need to go to court to get a proper arrangement in place. This will be better for your children who won't be able to be bullied into going more and constantly have the fear of when they are going hanging over them. I can guarantee your DS hates going as much as your DD. It's hard to hear OP and I can see you're trying desperately to do the right thing. The trouble is he isn't.

They havent had sex for 7 years! You cant fix that. You cant expect a woman to open her legs for the man who is abusive and maniplative towards her.

Unbelievable shit advice.

He's angry that his domestic appliance stopped working.

The horror that he will have to cook and clean for himself!

You are done with being a skivvy. You want a sex life but not with him, with someone you fancy and fancies you back.

Tell the kids "daddy doesn’t treat mummy kindly and mummy wants to be happy. We are seperating but we both love you very much"

Has he been told that is words and actions are what is upsetting the children? That for the good of the children, you need to work together, him sniping and blaming is horrendous for them. He needs to put the children first. This is so sad. I imagine this behaviour just galvanises your feelings for him what a vile selfish bully.

Has anyone mentioned separation anxiety?
It’s quite common, actually, in children.
I used to cry - sob - when I went to school at age 6 and my mum was unmoved. She ignored me completely and sternly sent me off to class. But I wanted, or needed, so desperately to stay with her.
I was also the youngest.
And also, let the bastard yell and rant and carry on — that’s really not going to carry any weight whatsoever in court. Your STBX sounds like a major head case and a big fat bully. What judge on the planet do you honestly think will buy his bullshit???
The court may order a counselor to interview both children, and deliver an unbiased report to the judge, who in return will decide what’s best for the children.
And that’s all you need to worry about - not some nutjob whose fragile ego has been been crushed, not only because his wife rejected him, but his kids have too.
You’re fine. Stay strong. Sending love from the States.

I don’t think the OP is here for advice @Takeabreather23, I think she’s here to offload and sort her thoughts, which is fair enough.

I actulay wonder when you will take any advice on mumsnet. this is unbelievable.
OP this is on you now as you are facilitating his behaviour .

You are only going to live with regrets.
Your Dd needing Counseling and your Ds manipulated and all because you won’t protect them

Exactly this.
He is weaponising his children - what kind of parent does this??!!!

You have tried so hard to be reasonable but she doesn't want to go, it's distressing her, he records her at her most vulnerable. I think it's time to advocate for her and say, she's not staying there unless she wants too, it's impacting her mental health, you have no empathy for this situation and abuse her when she's at her most vulnerable. If you take issue with this decision bring it up in court. Close any further contact with him about this issue, all correspondence through solicitors. If she wants to go let her, if not then she stays with you. She's old enough to decide for herself. Because it's now becoming so toxic and so destructive for her mental health.

Poor DD, no wonder she doesn't want to stay with him. His daughter is clearly distressed and instead of showing some empathy (instead of thinking it's all about his rights as a parent - makes me sick!) he films her when she is vulnerable. How is she supposed to feel safe in his company if she knows he will film her when she is panicked. What an abusive cunt. I'm sorry she, and you, are going through this.

I am confused as to what he thinks the recordings will prove other than she hates being there and he isn’t parenting well

It’s great that he has recorded evidence of how upset she is getting about having to stay with him. Can he send you a copy? I would not go there unless she contacts you otherwise he will see it as good reason for him to start calling at yours when it’s your days to have the children. Collect her if she does call you and await the communication from his solicitor. In the meantime, contact your own solicitor for advice on this.

One of you needs to put your DD’s best interests at heart and it won’t be him.

I don’t have much advice but just wanted to say stay strong! He sounds like an awful manipulative bully. He is using his children in this game causing them to be upset whilst you are trying to do everything you can to keep them happy.

Please don’t go back to him. He is not good for them. Keep collecting evidence. If he keeps on like this he will have a lot less access to his children.

Is it worth getting some kind of restraining order against him if he keeps on turning up when he isn’t supposed to be there putting extra pressure on you? That might require you have to have to use a 3rd party for pick up/drop offs though. Although the kids are old enough to be able to get out of the car and into your house themselves and for you to drop them at school and him to pick them up without close physical contact between you.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to get a counsellor for your DD, you might be able to get her to understand the situation better, that the break up is not your fault, and that she should be spending time with her dad for the time being.
I feel its not good for the siblings to be separated like they seem to be at the moment, your son needs to see how his Dad interacts with his sister.

Are you and I married to the same guy?

Have you spoken to school OP to see what support they may be able to offer both of your children? They may have someone who can talk to them independently for you.

Ignore all his bullshit. I know that's really difficult to do because you are currently in a high-stress high-alert situation. Anyone who has been through a nasty divorce will recognise the stomach-churning stress you are currently dealing with.

He is being aggressive and combative in his approach, because that's the kind of person he is.

He is still trying to control everyone and everything, and this is coming out in his anger and in his instructions to his solicitor. (Remember that the solicitors will have seen it all before.)

Solicitors don't care about the bullshit and arguments. They're just doing a job that they do every day. The more combative a divorce, the more money they make, so they really couldn't care less either way.

Try to keep your eyes on the prize:
Getting a divorce decree
Getting a fair financial settlement

If you can gather any evidence of your STBX's behaviour towards your daughter, that would be wise. His admittance that he doesn't have a good relationship with her, for example. Also, what is he doing that makes her so distressed? Ask her. Maybe she wants to write it down for you. Perhaps record her calls to you sounding distressed and asking to come home.

My DCs hated seeing their father. I eventually defied the court order and refused to engage with him (he was highly controlling). He kicked off for a while then quickly gave up, blaming me for parental alienation, when in fact he had managed to do that all by himself. Truth was that once he couldn't control everyone he lost interest.

Never had a penny in child support of course.

I m also worried about giving them so much choice that they can choose when they want to so certain things.
So if I plan something DS doesn't want to do he can go to dad's

This is my approach in this situation.

Your children are young. Don't give them too much choice. Sometimes they have to do things they don't necessarily want to.

That's life. Help Mummy in the supermarket, visit Granny... whatever it is.

Later on, when they're teens they will gradually begin to do their own thing.

Keep things consistent while they get used to the new model. Have something up your sleeve like "no we have plans later".

Perhaps your son is testing boundaries? Perhaps his dad is manipulating him?

Either way, you don't want to have a situation where you are constantly dropping off /picking up on the whim of a 9 year old.

The kids will be okay. Give them time. Children pushing boundaries and buttons is a normal part of their development. Things change as they get older. e.g. sometimes you get the kevin-the-teenager stage when they turn into sullen little sods. (In fact the teenage years can be a real trial of fire.)

My humble opinion is that you are doing the right thing by maintaining a flexible outlook and supporting them in their own choices and preferences. Why pick pointless battles with your own kids? It sounds to me like your handling this all really well.

It is of course possible that your STBX is being manipulative, but there's nothing you can do about that. All you can do is remain consistent with your own parenting, keep a watchful eye, and lend them a listening ear.

He's reaping the results of his own shitty parenting and trying to rewrite history to garner sympathy. What a dick. Again, try not to worry too much. It's part of his divorce strategy and finger-pointing.

I wouldn't in case they twist it as well yeah that's why she's so upset when she leaves you.