To have told him I want a divorce

i have left for all these reasons after 20+ years, trust me you are doing the right thing. And I got asked the exact same, is there someone else involved ha ha. It is hard in the beginning and you constantly question yourself but just vision a year from now how much more chilled you will be and everyone commenting how good you look through not being run down and walking on eggshells all the time. Good Luck OP xx

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 - protecting your children is of course your number 1 priority. He is still displaying his controlling behaviours and trying to manipulate the children, which is a cruel and stupid thing to do.

It is possible that the therapist might produce some kind of report for the court's consideration. (It's a long time since I went through this same scenario.)

You are in no way obliged to meet up with his family or to facilitate his contact time beyond making the children available to him. Of course, if your DD wants you around to support her, then that is different (but again entirely up to you how you want to play it).

If the therapist has recommended family therapy then you might give it a try, although as previous posters have said, therapy with an abusive person is generally not recommended. However, as it is your DD and she is in a position of having little or no power in this situation, I would try it but make sure I was there to support her. I would also talk to her in advance (or ask her counsellor) so that she feels clear about what she wants to say and has the language to express herself clearly.

Always bear in mind what the bottom line is here - you are divorcing a difficult man who is determined to "win" no matter who he hurts in the process. Channel your inner lioness and don't let him bully you.

Usually it is inadvisable to enter any type of therapy with an abusive person. Which your ex is, he’s manipulative and controlling.

I’d advise that you write back detailing that your DD is having counselling and you’ll take professional opinion on what therapy might or might not be beneficial to her in due course.

You basically just need to seem not obstructive - as he’s clearly trying to paint parental alienation- but not roll over and do as he says either. Take advice, take your time, remain as reasonable as you can.

Oh OP I am so sorry.

I don't have any advice I really wish I did. Maybe family therapy would be an eye opener to him as to how badly he has behaved both before the split and after.

I hope someone who has far more knowledge than me will be along to offer you guidance,

Sending you and your DCs lots of hugs

Thanks for updating Op. I do think the courts will listen to your DD especially if you can show your Ex is being unreasonable with her. Good luck with the house, it will help the DC to have a new home

Hi OP,

Thanks for the update, fingers crossed for you over the house,

I have no experience with divorce and children etc, so can't offer any help, just sending you lots of hugs and support

How about blocking him when the children are with you? He doesn't need to contact you then.

It's very difficult to put boundaries in place with abusive/controlling people. They will fight tooth and nail to assert their control.

His constant messaging is an extension of his controlling behaviour.

It might be worth you contacting Womans Aid to ask if they have any suggestions for how you might handle this.

Obviously you need to keep a line of communication open for child contact, but it should be for nothing more than that.

I still think a cheap burner phone, permanently set on silent, with a new number just for him might be a sensible way forward. Then block him on your normal phone. That way you can remove the stress-reaction to any sounds from your phone, and only check the burner phone when you have a mind to.

Also a plainly-worded message to him, "Please stop bombarding me with messages. Contact arrangements are X"

So sorry for all the stress you are going through.

There are 1 or 2 court approved Apps as in they can be used as evidence in court.

Research and start using one of those.

Sorry I haven't read all your recent posts but if you have a contact arrangement agreed in principle stick rigidly to it and not even respond to message for extra ad hoc etc.

Block him everywhere else, check the app on the morning of contact only etc.

This sounds like a sensible approach potentially. It doesn't sound beneficial to be so closely in touch with him all the time.

I guess the only risk is if you want him to be able to IM you if the kids are with him and something needs your attention?

Maybe email and telephone call or something could work?

I am so sorry you are still having such a difficult time with him. I wonder if not communicating via instant messaging might be a boundary you could put in place. I have read on other threads women changing to email for correspondence.

You can also turn the wi-fi off on your phone to read the message for WhatsApp and it won't show as read. Or just turn off read receipts. He should not be constantly messaging you. Another form of control, mute him.

Hopefully someone with better advice can come along for help with your son. Being a loving and consistent parent will be of great support to him. I do think saying to him in the evening it is to late to change to his dad is ok to.

I understand you still feel like you are treading on eggshells. He is punishing you. You do have elements of control though. Definitely look at making his ability to contact you on your time with the kids limited.

His behaviours are designed to cause upset. It's part of him punishing you for daring to end the marriage.

Divorce is always a horrible business and it's very distressing to see one's own children being dragged into the mess. Sadly it's the only way when divorcing someone who is determined to make it as difficult as possible for you. Lots of us have been through similar, so you are not alone.

Remember that there will come and end point. You just need to keep taking one step at a time.

Don't be tempted to settle for less than you are entitled to. Your solicitor will be able to advise you.

Sending solidarity.

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 I had really hoped, with the passing of time, that things would settle and a new (acceptable) normal could be reached for you all. His intrusive behaviour is awful, I can’t imagine how this must make you feel on a constant basis. Reaching financial settlement, albeit at a lower percentage than you are perhaps due, seems a good decision all things considered. I worry for your DC, particularly your DD, and I hope sense will prevail and third parties will intervene and speak their truth.

A battle still ahead of you.
Please don’t settle for less than you are entitled to just for an easier exit, you may regret this long term

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 how are things OP? Thinking of you x

Also you need to let your daughter know that a solicitor doesn't have that kind of authority l. I think the manipulation of your son is getting seriously disturbing. Contact the school, speak to the safe guarding lead. This is a toxic situation for not only you but your children and is doing damage to their well being.

You can't just try to keep the peace like you have been doing. It's time to take action- it's your children's health that's at risk.

I haven’t read any other posts except your own OP so unsure if people have suggested this but you need social services as your children especially your daughter needs to be safeguarded from her dad also you yourself need a restraining order for when he turns up on your times. He is emotionally abusive to you all and for their and your safety this needs to be a priority… I’m surprised your solicitor hasn’t already suggested this. Don’t worry about people believing his lies… it’s very obvious from your posts what he is doing and you could also use these posts as a diary, I don’t even think he would get 50/50 I’ll be honest, get social services involved, don’t be frightened, they will probably suggest going to court/car as and then it’s all legal then and he can’t manipulate you any further. You doubting yourself is years of emotional abuse/financial abuse, I hope you get it all sorted you sound like you have an amazing family support x

So sorry you are having to deal with his mind games with the children , been through exactly this and am now happily out the other side. Your instinct is to protect your children from any mental, emotional, psychological harm whereas his objective is to win and he will use any means to do that, he will manipulate, lie and you will continue to be absolutely floored by the lengths he will be prepared to stoop in order to achieve his aim which is to destroy you, and grind you down. Never underestimate how low he will go, it's no good trying to be amicable with this type of person. My ex was happy to seperate my children using bribery(money, clothes, freedom from sensible parenting. One was susceptible to this and one wasn't. The effects are long lasting, but he was relentless with his revenge.
A strong solicitor will guide you and stop this trauma for your daughter. The forced overnights can be stopped if causing trauma to your child ,
This was so effective in helping my child to adjust. You need a STRONG solicitor to act for you