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Original poster

To have told him I want a divorce

569 replies

Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 26/08/2023 20:54

Told my husband on Wednesday I want a divorce. Its been coming for a few months so he wasn't massively surprised.
We have been together 18 years and in that time he has never helped in the house (he asked the other day how to clean the toilet!) I do everything.
He has been verging on emotionally abusive. He's done the silent treatment to me and my daughter. He's punched a wall when I told him about a family holiday, threw a chair when there was a family BBQ. Called my son names and tried to control things from afar while he was away on lads weekends away.
We also haven't been intimate in over 7 years.
Over the last 2 months however when he has realised something is wrong he has been trying to do everything right. Doing housework, trying to be father of the year.
He is saying to me that yes while we have issues none of them are marragie ending!
I have made the right decision haven't I? He is saying the kids will be so upset and I just know he is going to say this is all mummy's decision!

OP posts:
Itsokay2020 · 13/09/2024 18:12

I have been following your story from the beginning and want to congratulate you on your divorce! Not something that I would often put in a sentence, as a divorcee myself, but your freedom is something to celebrate. Keep doing what you’re doing, you are stronger than you realise and your DD is lucky to have you, as is your DS 💐

PinkArt · 13/09/2024 17:07

I am also officially divorced!!!
Oh I hope you've had a fucking huge celebration for this - how lovely to no longer be legally tied to him. What a lovely update all round. It sounds like, for now, that's the right thing for both the kids in different ways and I hope you're proud of that. I'm sure he'll keep being a cunt but the therapy sounds like it's already helping you nagivate the next chapter with how you manage him.

GabriellaMontez · 13/09/2024 12:33

Well done!!

Sicario · 13/09/2024 11:18

Congratulations on your divorce! Bloody well done and great big air punches and fizzy drinks.

The counselling is a very good idea and don't rush it. I had therapy for 4 years and it was life changing for me.

Keep supporting your DD. It's awful to realise that your children have witnessed and sometimes internalised so much of the bad marriage. But you have shown that you are not to be messed with and that you can exercise choice and agency over your life.

You are definitely a Rock Star.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 13/09/2024 10:44

Hello! Thanks for checking in.

Things are ok - consent order was approved and a lump sum was ordered to be paid to me before a certain date. That hasn't happened (shock horror!!) so my solicitor is now going for interest on top of that amount.

For the time being the housing people are waiting on me until the end of September for the house so I still have hope that will happen.

DD still won't see her Dad and only this week has been upset about past incidents that keep coming back to her. I have said I'm not prepared to facilitate the contact anymore so he hasn't seen her properly for a little while minus bumping into her on school run or at change over for my DS. Generally though she seems happy and settled. She did say to me last night she used to notice how unhappy I was and how she much prefers me now as I seem happier. It broke my heart!!

DS is still doing 50/50 and I'm trying to just been consistent and supportive of him. I do think it will all come out for him but he might need to be a bit older.

I have been seeing a counselor and am trying to learn to not engage in his demands/messages which makes a massive difference to my mental health.

I am also officially divorced!!!

Not at the end by a long shot but getting there. Next battle when I am in my house is to go to court to take the children on holiday next year!!!

OP posts:
Sicario · 24/08/2024 11:13

Hi @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 - hope you are ok and hanging on in there.

FFSWherearemyglasses · 10/08/2024 19:12

I also only asked him for permission for a holiday abroad this week for next May which he isn't consenting to!!!!

What a fucking hypocrite!!
He is a piece of work isn’t he!
Sending love and strength OP, you’re doing great 💐

RandomMess · 10/08/2024 13:49

Well you need to get a CAO which covers who looks after the passport and who is the resident parent. Who has them for what holidays how far in advance it's to be agreed etc.

Assuming you will be you won't need his permission to take them abroad.

He is going to be a dick so start using a court approved parenting app and apply for an emergency court hearing for the CAO.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 10/08/2024 13:45

I have sent 2 messages to say I don't consent to him going.

From solicitor advice yesterday I don't think police would do anything coming back into the country would they.

I think I need to get passports off him bit not sure how I do that.

I also only asked him for permission for a holiday abroad this week for next May which he isn't consenting to!!!!

OP posts:
KTheGrey · 10/08/2024 13:38

Several posters have told you to call the police. If nothing else it will create evidence that you did not consent to his taking them abroad. You should also text him to say you do not consent and he is doing this without your consent, again it’s about getting evidence. I believe the police can contact customs / border control.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 10/08/2024 12:36

I know where he has taken him, he has told me that. I just didn't know he was going and I fact was told he was going elsewhere.

Its the fact he thinks he can do whatever he wants without checking with me.

I will talk to solicitor again on Monday but not sure what can be done???

Essentially he has made me aware of where they are going and when he is back but just not asked permission.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 10/08/2024 10:58

Why on earth did Ex have the kids passports when primary residence is with you?
Does his family know where he has taken your son ?

Pumpkinpie1 · 10/08/2024 10:56

Your Ex hasn’t done himself any favours. Taking son abroad without prior agreement is …..! No wonder your dd is scared of his unpredictability.
Report it to the police , and get your solicitor involved first thing Monday .
Im horrified on your behalf !

ClockworkDisaster · 10/08/2024 09:59

Once your son is back could you cancel the passports and apply for new ones?

GabriellaMontez · 09/08/2024 22:44

Contact the police. He's a violent, angry, abusive man. He's taken your son overseas without permission. At the very least this needs to be recorded. At the worst, you need the police to be aware of the difficulty situation you're in and how you want your son returned. Contact your solicitor too..

SauvignonBlonk · 09/08/2024 22:35

I think I’d call the Police for this one too.
He's not acting rationally.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 09/08/2024 22:23

Yes he hid the children's passports, I havent seen them for 9 months

OP posts:
ClockworkDisaster · 09/08/2024 22:22

Does he have his passport?

Finmory · 09/08/2024 22:06

OP I would call the police. This is a really troubling escalation in his behaviour.

I'm so sorry, this must be incredibly shocking news.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 09/08/2024 21:42

He isn't bluffing, they are on the way there now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 09/08/2024 21:42

No child arragment order in place so he should have my permission.

I have messaged back saying I haven't agreed to him being taken out the country.

He says I took them abroad 2 years ago when we were married and he didn't agree to that!!! So this is the same.

OP posts:
PinkArt · 09/08/2024 21:14

Surely he can't do that without permission? Or can he is the consent order hasn't gone through the courts yet?
I'd be calling the police immediately. He might be bluffing, he might be making a run for it but whatever is happening you surely need the authorities involved.

Original poster
Sowhatimstillarockstar9 · 09/08/2024 20:31

Had a text 45 mins after I dropped DS off that he wasn't taking him to the seaside but was taking him to France.

Hasn't asked permission, not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Sicario · 03/08/2024 10:46

Fantastic news! Ruddy well done! I hope you have a completely marvellous weekend.

You could choose not to respond to any of his messages. You could also consider getting a second phone - a burner phone - just for him which you can choose when to switch on and/or check. Then block him on your regular phone number / email, and set up new email and number just for him.

There are lots of benefits from doing this. It will prevent him being able to contact you whenever he wants, and will place that control firmly with you. Have a think about it.

Sounds like your family therapist knows their onions. It's a rough time for you and the kids, but things will get better.

Sending strength and solidarity.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 03/08/2024 10:16

You are doing so amazing! Keep going xx

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