To have told him I want a divorce

He's absolutely vile OP. You're making the right decision, 100%.

He's also bloody stupid. He wants you to change your mind? And he thinks being even more of an arsehole than normal will achieve that?!

What a complete twat. You're well rid of him.

Grey rock OP. Don't let him do things like tag along with you, just leave without him.

OP stay strong these are the oldest tricks in the book to isolate you, control the situation and guilt you.

Reread your first post, he’s had years to change. Out his behaviour and call it what it is. I totally agree with the poster above, your kids are better from a broken home than stuck in one.

Oh and the rush to tell the school is because he has been abusive and he wants to control and manipulate the narrative.

You have every right to also have a conversation with the teachers and confirm that he has abused you and the child and you are now divorcing.

He absolutely knows he has abused you all, but didn't think you would leave.

Telling the truth will make all the difference to a bully like him.

I think his behaviour now is just still demonstrating his need to control the situation and control you. In your heart of hearts you know that you have given him plenty od chances. He can't claim that he was surprised at what you told your children when a) you'd already told him you wanted a divorce and b) he was literally emotionally blackmailing you to tell the children! Think back to what has led you to make this decision - he has shown that he's not ready or willing to change his behaviour. What you're seeing now is a childish display of throwing his toys out of the pram because you've followed through on the consequence of him not treating you with respect for so long. X

EVERYTHING is about him.

EVERYTHING.

He doesn't care about you or the children.

EVERYTHING is about him, his life, what works for him.

The tears are of fury that HIS life might be impacted by you choosing to leave.

Don't kid yourself it is anything else.

Yes this is difficult.

The best thing you can do for your children is stay the course.

Ignore him and push forward.

Answer any sad questions from the children with a bright smile, positivity and looking forward to the future because EVERYTHING is going to be ok.

Reassure them that it is OK to be sad, but this is for the best and EVERYTHING will be ok.

You being resolute and calm WILL help them adjust.

Ignore that abusive manipulative prick.

YANBU. Mummy has made the right decision, also it’s better for DC be from a broken home than in a broken home.

Re-read your first post. He is abusive and controlling. And it's what he's doing now, trying to control things.

Emotional manipulation - control. Taking over stuff you normally do with the kids- control. Speaking to the headteacher first - control. Acting like Dad of the year, probably in an effort to make people think you're crazy divorcing him - control. Attending that family function, no matter how awkward, letting you know he'll be around whether you like it or not - control.

You've taken away his control by initiating the divorce and this is all a power play from him to break you down and get it back. He only cares about 'winning', if he cared about you he wouldn't have treated you like shit.

He's trying to control the narrative and ramping up his generally controlling behaviour.

So sorry you're having to deal with this. It's really hard.

The aim of his actions (including his manipulation of the kids) is all designed to make you change your mind and put you back in your box.

He is not listening to you, and not accepting that you are now separated.

You do not have to go in the car with him. You do not have to agree to him coming with you, whatever you are doing.

You really do need to set your boundaries. I know this can be hard, particularly when you are being bullied like this.

Remember to take deep breaths and hold a steady course.

The only reason he doesn't want to divorce is because it'll mean having to cook,clean,shop for himself,do his own laundry and look after the kids on his own when he has them.He'll no doubt be panicking about money and where he'll live.

Marriage is merely convient for him as it means he gets a housekeeper.

Be forewarned;it seems to be standard that lazy arses like him who don't do anything and are crap parents suddenly start threatening 50/50 custody;they never follow through.

What a manipulative, selfish prick.

If he cared about easing his children through this transition- if he was capable of putting someone else first- he would be presenting a calm and united front with you so they feel secure.

Instead he is carrying on like a victim, inviting conflict and causing them more upset.

You have made the right choice.

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9

Here's a thread you might find both comforting and inspiring given your current situation.

Plucking up the courage to leave. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/4572101-plucking-up-the-courage-to-leave

Wishing you the best of luck.

Just be honest with your children because he will get in and poison their minds…you don’t need to spin the children a story.

Start diarising every single divisive thing he says and does (with context). Also tell him to stop forcing himself into social situations where he knows he’s not welcome - like your family things. Everyone can see through his performance and he’s done too little, too late. You have had empty words for years and nothing’s changed.

As @CalishataFolkart says, yes you were absolutely worth the effort, but he couldn't even be bothered to clean the toilet. He thought you were worth cleaning up after his literal shit all those times. He had 18 years to show you how much effort you were worth and he did fuck all. Even when he knew he was on final warning he still couldn't bother to put the effort in for more than a few weeks.
Stay strong. He is awful and he is indirectly doing you a favour by keeping up with all these new reminders of how awful he is. Keep a reminder list of all his fuckery somewhere if you need to, if you feel like his mind games are starting to work. And keep incentivising by thinking of all the lovely things life without him has in store.

Ignore this arsehole.

It's over.

You are thankfully done.

Any hint of aggression, call the police.

At the slightest hint.

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9

Just tell
Him the way he's behaving in front of the kids is emotionally anusive towards you and controlling and it's making you think even more clearer than before.

Calmly remind him about the trial separation in April and how things haven't stayed changed and that you deserve more than that.

Also tell him nobody needs a reason to end a marriage.
You've given him the opportunity to change and he hasn't taken it.

I would also tell him that he is to no longer come to family events with you and to stop being so controlling as it's over.

You need to be firm and calm here and he's definitely going to try pulling out all the stops to be an ass as he's not getting his own way.

There are some good books that have been recommended many times here by Lundy Bancroft.

I suggest you start reading them now so you know what to expect because by the sounds of it he's playing the typical roles in the book.

Yes, you were worth more effort, but he didn’t make any which is why you are getting divorced. Crocodile tears.

Ignore him, it's all behaviour designed to manipulate you, even in the midst of this he is still trying to blame you as if you haven't given him chance after chance.
The only one that put no effort in was him.
He has been emotionally abusing you and your children all day today, hold on to that and ignore his crocodile tears, you are done with him, you don't owe him anything else.

If he's going to continue this crap about going to things he was previously invited to by your family, and your family know the current situation, I think it would be entirely reasonable to ask them to message or call him to say Fred, we know you and Sowhat are seperating. To be clear, you are not invited to xyz events.

I'd ask the wedding couple or their parents to do the same if you're close enough to them. Or call and cancel the hotel booking, make another one he doesn't know about, and leave without him.

This is just him continuing the abuse, you realise that don't you? Ask your friends and family to help protect you from him.

I'd also, being absolutely honest, ask your biggest male realtive at the bbq to take him aside away from the kids, give him his car keys / call him a cab, and tell him quietly to leave, right now. You all need to stand up to him or he's going to carry on with this shit. You've told the kids you're not going to be married anymore, you can explain that will mean you will be doing things seperately, so Daddy will go to see Granny, Grandpa and Uncle Mark without you, and you will see Nana, Auntie Sarah and Grandad without him.

Well done for taking this huge step. You are now well and truly on the way up the mountain and soon the wonderful view of your new future will be within sight. Stay safe and strong. You are stronger than you know and doing the best possible thing for your children x

This.

Well done.

Please tell everyone that he is highly abusive and you are divorcing because of his abuse of you and the children.

Shine a big light on it.

He is a violent abusive man.

Be very calmly open about it.

There is NOTHING more powerful than the truth being spoken openly.

This is all on him.

It is the most effective way to get what you want, him gone, by him knowing everyone knows the truth.

Well done @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 , you told your DC as kindly as you could and by doing so you've taken away his chance to emotionally blackmail you. He couldn't believe you'd said it because now it's real and he's trying to pretend it's not happening.

I hope everyone is ignoring him. You need to make clear he's not welcome to family events anymore.

Tell your family everything.