To have told him I want a divorce

Can you ask your cousin to uninvite?

Does he know your cousin?

Does he know the details of the event?

No more we-ing. You're right, you can't stop him going but you can absolutely not facilitate it. You go to your family wedding with your lovely kids and have a fabulous time. He can do what he likes. If he insists on going, and looking like an absolute twat by forcing himself on a group of people who wont want him, there then let him crack on, but he obviously makes his own way.

'What's best for the children' will form the basis of any legal determination about access arrangements. It is highly unlikely that anyone would deem more time with him than you as being 'best'.

It sounds like you (OP) are already using this principle in your decision making and he's not.

It is obvious that he is hurting, is angry, blames you and is wanting to punish you. He isn't acting like someone who is trying to make it as easy as possible for the children. This isn't going to help anyone.

My work often involves supporting family members in these sorts of circumstances. As previous posters say, the most common outcome when family dynamics share the history you describe, is that of the father reducing and reducing their contact as time goes on, even when they fought tooth and nail for 50:50 or more.

Often, fathers enjoy facilitated and non demanding parenting that comes with being in a family unit where the mother does all the heavy lifting. Having sole parenting responsibilities whilst accessing one's children isn't the same. Sadly, this tends to fuel further resentment and blame towards the mother and reducing time spent with their children.

It's important for you to hold on to the facts that it is entirely reasonable for you to end the marriage, whilst it isn't easy for children - they can and do cope well with divorce, he needs to come to terms with the situation through accessing support (informal or professional) from people other than you and your children.

I'm sorry that all of you are having to through this. It isn't something anyone chooses, but it's something many people have to face. It sounds like you are navigating it really well, despite it being so difficult.

Look the good news at this stage is that he's actually shit at all the theatricals and the threats.
A man who doesn't even know how to clean a toilet isn't actually going to want full custody of his kids and all the work that involves.
A man who loves his kids so much he wants full custody doesn't make things harder for them by calling their mum names in front of them.
A man who desperately wants another chance doesn't take money out of the savings account 'in case you don't pay the mortgage'.
He's playing nasty games but he's playing them so badly. Please keep sharing here. From the outside his behaviour is laughably transparent but he's obviously done a number on you if you believe any of it. Use the joint cynicism of this group to keep pulling back the curtain.

I'll wager he put the idea on his head.

Can you go watch him at the match as planned. Say you didn't see the text? Then just be business like and say right let's go to the football?

Yes he could so make sure you have their passports stashed at your parents house along with your other important papers.

I know we’re all on OPs side here but as neither parent has custody hiding the kids passports is inappropriate unless he’s a flight risk and may be looked down upon if he brings it up in a case.

He's going to continue being a twat and making life as hard as he can. Which is normal for him from your description.

Don't rise to his threats. No one is going to give him 100% custody.

Continue with your plans. Is your solicitor helping you with the next stages?

Stop telling him where you're going.

He's talking rubbish. I'm separated but living together. Filed for divorce in April.
Mine is similar to yours but much more covert. Same...he is hiding he has savings (that I photographed statements for before he started hiding them) and says he's being led by me as he doesn't want this. Claims he wants kids 50/50 and won't sell the house. Can't afford to buy me out snd he works full time whereas I am part time AND term time only. Has made no attempt at filling in paperwork I've given him to start financial process.

I've taken my two away to family and on holiday and there is nothing he can do about it. All I do it tell him it's happening and do it. I tell him where we are going and roughly time details.

If I am out without them I no longer say where I'm going or what I'm doing just that I'm out.

This has been a slow drip process as we've been in separate bedrooms a year and he's only just stopped asking me where I'm going etc when I go out on my own.

So take your time and go slowly. Do not back down from the wedding as he is manipulating you. Once he begins to see you are standing your ground he will slowly back off.

I highly recommend getting in touch with womans aid / refuge/ or your local domestic abuse support for someone to talk to and get advice and support if needed. They are excellent. DA takes all forms and can be very subtle and covert.

Same for your mums birthday too. Change the plan slightly for going but don't tell him.

Stop listening to everything he says. He's bullying you.

He's lost control and is reacting.

Please be careful. Don't talk to him like he's a rational reasonable person- he isn't.

I'll wager he'll try and sabotage you taking the kids to the wedding. Be on your guard. Can you all go up early and not tell him your plans?

Yes he could so make sure you have their passports stashed at your parents house along with your other important papers.
Don't believe a word he says, it's all desperate lies.

Nope. There's no court order in place, you could leave the country and take them on a months holiday if you wanted as long as you can prove your intent to return.

He says he isn't agreeing to anything and this is my choice and he is having his children 100% of the time. He said he is getting legal advice and tried to say he is going to fight for more.

OP have a quiet chortle to yourself and leave him to his illusions. Any decent solicitor will laugh at him (even if only in his/her head). And if he persists a judge will also laugh at him, possibly more openly.

He is ramping up the cycle of abuse.

Be very careful and very clever.

Just another tactic to bully you with and try and get you to back down.

Op, I'm worried for you. You aren't dealing with a rational, reasonable man.

Grey rock. Don't be drawn into arguments etc. that's feeding right into his stance.

No, as with every other word that spills from his mouth this threat is also designed to scare and intimidate you into getting you to back down.

Ignore it, all rubbish.

Grey rock op and carry on, you are doing the right thing, don't question yourself.

He can tell what he likes "from his solicitor";however his solicitor doesn't dictate when you or he has the children;its extremely unlikely that any judge in a custody case that a judge would offer him more than 50/50 custody especially as you're willing to be so accommodating.

He will do whatever he can to bully you into not going ahead with the divorce.

Not at all likely. A very commonly used scare tactic to get you to stay .He'd shit himself if he actually had to have sole care of DC.

It would have been good to know the financial situation before telling him.

I have two friends going through divorces one is a way down the line and one is just about to inform her husband. Two huge differences between these women is one is going to struggle for money and take a big drop in lifestyle and one isn’t. Both desire an end to their marriages and past decisions can’t be changed to change their financial situations now. But emotionally one is struggling to detach herself and one is an absolute ice queen in her decision making.

Try and separate the emotional side with the practical side.

This.

Never recommend staying in an abusive relationship or contemplating it.

His behaviour is abusive.

It's wrong and OP is not happy. Hasn't been for years. Hardly a rash decision is it?

Let alone the problems being there for the past 18 years with zero change and no intimacy for 7 years..