To have told him I want a divorce

Just more abuse from him.

He doesn't get to decide what way the family will operate.

Please get legal advice and talk to Women's aid about his abuse of you all.

And don't leave the house!! Get clear legal advice on this before you do anything.

Hi OP. I haven't been in your position but just wanted to say how amazingly strong you're being. Your kids are so damn lucky to have a mum like you who puts their needs at the centre of everything. Keep doing what your doing.

Try to bat away his manipulation. Don't take advice from him - he doesn't have your interests at heart. Get advice from friends and family, and from lawyers. He says you need therapy? Thanks for the advice dear, I'll bear that in mind. Don't engage.

And when you're feeling strong, you can absolutely tell him that, given the current situation, the wedding invite has been recinded.

Finally, and sadly, you should keep a note of every single manipulative thing he says and does regarding the kids. If this goes to court you may need the long list of nasty things he has done to help argue your case.

Good luck. You've got this

OP I went through very similar nearly 20 years ago and reading this has sent shivers down my spine and almost made me cry - SO many similarities

Please make the break, please. You and your children deserve so much better

This is a man who punches walls and throws chairs at a family bbq. He's an aggressive wanker. Build a life where you don't live with him.

Ignore the bullshit. It's all a distraction.

OP. I suggest you stay focussed on yourself and the children and avoid thinking about what is going on for him and the impact all this is having on him.

You are not the right person to support him or help him understand himself (this isn't good for you or him). Also, you need to work on not attending to or centring his feelings, wants and needs. It sounds as though this is what he has done throughout your relationship, and you have unconsciously enabled and facilitated this. Both of you will find this change difficult - for very different reasons.

Stay focussed on your wants and needs and how they will be met without him playing a role.

How lucky he could see a Councillor and they could sort his problem out just like that, an hour or two and he's a new man. I call crap @Sowhatimstillarockstar9 , especially it being everyones fault but his.
He's working on your feelings, let's guilt trip her into staying. Be aware Op that this new, nice phase will only last until he gets his own way, as soon as he realises you're serious about leaving the nasty version you got to dislike will be back.

Think of all the times before, all the promises he's made and broken. Every time you've nearly managed to make the break but he's convinced you to stay.
After each time he's gotten better for a while but always reverted to form. You know deep down this will be the same again, he might improve for a time but his mask will slip and he'll go back to how he always is.

This will be hard but you have to hold onto what is going to bring you long term happiness. This is short term pain for long term gain. How he's acting now is only proving to you he's not a good father. A good father would try to protect his kids from the details of the divorce and certainly wouldn't use them as pawns to emotionally manipulate their mother.

You've made the decision and now it's time to hold tough, if you let him back again this time he'll hold this forever over your head and use it as a stick to beat you with, you'll feel even more trapped as he'll never allow you to forget the 'pain' you caused (obviously the pain is being caused by him and you are rightly trying to remove your family from him)

Think of an image of how you want your life to be, whether its sitting peacefully in your kitchen with your children happily playing in the next room or whatever works for you but essentially living without his dark cloud hovering over you all.
When things get hard hold onto that image, every difficult step you're taking is leading you closer to that happy, peaceful life.

He just keeps showing his hand doesn't he?
It can't possibly be him who caused this, it has to be your 'depression' or his dad's fault. Not that he's been abusive and hasn't bothered doing something as small as cooking a meal or cleaning the toilet for the duration of your marriage, to show that he values you as a person who shouldn't be carrying the whole load.

If he was that desperate to save your marriage, he would have done this long ago.

If you go back on what you've decided, will you be happy if he changes for a while or is the damage done? Do you think he'll actually stick to making changes or is it just action to get you to go back on ending the relationship?

More crying for himself as he realises that you are stronger than he thought.

I think play it as a positive for him that it will help you co parent better.

I have no doubt that for your children it would be better to seperate.

If he behaves well he could well be finding personal growth which will be good for the family.

Or he will revert to his nasty abusive self when he sees he is not going to get you to back down.

I would argue that you have ripped off the band-aid now. You've told the kids, told him. I am not at all surprised you are feeling guilty - I felt guilty when divorcing my husband. I felt plenty of times that I was messing up everyones lives just to make myself happy. However I was also terrified that if I flip-flopped it would just make everything take longer and be harder in the long run.

I put my head down and pushed forward as fast as possible so that we could find the new normal and everyone could settle. You are not a crazy woman, you agonised long and hard over the decision to divorce. You didn't take that decision lightly. Have faith in yourself and continue on, get this done. The sooner you find your new normal the sooner everyone will feel better.

If it helps I felt guilty loooong after my DD was MUCH MUCH happier. She prefers the current set-up, she is so much more relaxed in our new happier all girls house.

You can tell him that it's great that he's realising his problems and you hope he'll continue going to his counsellor so that you two can have a positive but seperate co-parenting experience in the future which will make life better for the kids.

Remember that you did not come to your decision lightly. You've given him chance after chance. Hold steady and don't let him bully you any more.

Bloody hell. It is designed to be confusing for you, to make you doubt yourself and change your mind. It is all part and parcel of the manipulation. (I had exactly the same thing, everything from "I've not been well", to love-bombing, temper tantrums, the whole spectrum.)

I would suggest you do anything you can to give yourself space away from him. Tell him you are not his therapist and his emotional rehab is not your business or your responsibility. Go to another room and close the door. Leave the house. Go to the cinema. Do whatever you need to do to keep away from him.

It looks like he is going to try to smother you and refuse to give you space to think for yourself.

Hang on in there. You always knew he wasn't going to make this easy.

His "parentification" of the children is totally unacceptable. He should not be burdening them with his woes. Is there a third party who can tell him to stop? One of his family perhaps?

It just goes to show that he has absolutely no qualms about ramping up his damaging and controlling behaviour, regardless of how much hurt it causes.

He's a manipulative POS OP and I don't see him going quietly. Best of luck.

🤣 what bollocks. Interesting where he lives isn't it? Love that he thinks cooking will save the marriage. He hasn't pulled his weight in a very long time, it's too late to offer false promises to change.

As long as you aren't actually preventing him seeing his kids at all, you've nothing to worry about. You are under no obligation to invite him to anything. Judge would laugh him out of court.

He is seeing his kids. All he will get awarded in court is 50 50. He will have them half the time. Atm he's getting contact whenever he wants so he would be wise to stop rocking the boat.

Just want to let you know you are being amazingly strong in a very stressful and emotionally abusive situation. There is light at the end of this tunnel and life will be so much better for you and the children.

It's incredible the things they fabricate to try and get their own way. Suddenly x,y & z is illegal.

Insult to injury that he also knows how terrible he is by presenting his list. He has never cooked? What a nasty useless man he is.

Am reading all your updates and sending virtual hugs and support x

More manipulation.

He can spout any shite he likes.

Keep repeating that the marriage is over.

"Please stop emotionally abusing the children by refusing to accept it and burdening them with your emotions."

Keep your focus on what you need to do.

Contact your cousin.

Call 101 and put a marker on your home address.

This is a violent abusive man that you have told you want a divorce from.

He is volatile, unpredictable and refusing to accept what he has been told.

You need to contact 101 so should he get nasty, they will come quickly.

Ask your cousin to call him and tell him he's not invited, surely? It's your cousin, it's not like it's Gail from accounts.

If my cousin asked me to uninvite someone like him from my wedding I'd not hesitate for a moment to tell him in very small words that he's not welcome. Is there anyone else you can take as a +1 if meals and seating plan are already decided so it's the least disruption possible?

Also, if you take a +1 there will literally be nowhere for him to sit which would make it harder for him to muscle in.

I wouldn't hesitate to ask your cousin to uninvite him.

You are leaving an abusive marriage finally.

You do not want him there.

Not unreasonable at all.