To have told him I want a divorce

Dont listen to his lies and don't move out.

Sorry, posted too soon. You know he wants it all his own way and will happily lie to you to make that happen. Forget what he wants, solicitor will tell you the truth, so press on with the divorce

Please stop taking what he says as right Op. He's lied about his legal rights to you several times already

Don’t move out. Get the house on the market as quickly as you can. He’s already proven how awkward and spiteful he can be.
Also, it’s crazy to allow him to come to your Mum’s party- how awkward for everyone involved. I know you’re trying to avoid conflict but you’re actually making it unpleasant for your family. Time to pull off the band aid, tell him your brother will not allow him in the house, go with out him and take whatever it leads to. Because, you’re sending him the message that you’re not really serious if you allow him to come after all you’ve said. Stand firm now- and get the anger, etc from him over with.
you sound so strong— you can do this.

If you jointly own the house nobody has to move out. Yes, you can do child arrangements when living together but consider how that will be for the children. Eg when it's Dad's time but mum is home. Could be confusing for the children? Not tried it so don't know.

I'd ask him for a written. Outline of what he thinks 50/50 childcare will look like. Don't agree to anything until you are happy with that and it is worth getting a formal, legally agreed version so he can't just back out or change when it suits him. I have a friend who is a police call handler and he said they often get calls from a parent when ex hasn't returned children etc and without a child arrangements order in place nothing can be done about it.

My stbex wants 50/50....I've yet to see how he thinks that will work and we have been in separate bedrooms for a year. I'll be applying for conditional order of divorce next week but he says he hasn't had time to look at paperwork for finances etc yet has had 3 weeks without us around in the achool holidays... so I guess I'll be contacting a mediator to see if that gives him a kick.

He wanted to know if there was another man.

”Yes. It’s [son’s name]. I don’t want him growing up thinking this is a proper marriage or that normal husbands throw furniture when they’re angry.
Besides — I don’t love you any more. I don’t like you any more. And I don’t like myself when I’m around you. Is that clear enough?”

god! Reading all your posts just brought it back how fucking awful my DH was when we separated. Same as yours, he was an absolute abhorrent husband and father for years, until I’d had enough and he tried all the sickly sweet stuff (nauseating!) and said the most awful things to our DC… examples ‘I love mommy so much, I just want to be a family but she just wants to go out and have fun’ > literally the one occasion I went out while he’d spent years doing whatever the fuck he wanted to. We had to live together for a year while we sorted out the house and he dragged his feet being a 50/50 mix of dad of the year and the aggressive prick who paced up and down and screamed through doors while I was hiding with our DC trying to protect them from another rant.

You cannot change his actions and reactions. You can only do what’s best for your children, he will never put them above his own wants and needs, or else he wouldn’t be actively using them as collateral right now.

Brightside: I am 13 years on. Life is fucking amazing! As soo as we’d gone out separate ways he was off dating etc and lost interest in us completely, wanted 50/50 but actually only saw them for one afternoon a week - this was purposeful btw and was to try and stop me having a life, he also hated that I neither cared nor reacted! I only dated after 2 years, and never introduced our DC to anyone, other than my now DH - whilst they met Aunty Rita Sue and Bob too!

Happily Remarried now to the most incredible man for 6 years.

Ex’D’H - is also remarried. She is such a genuinely lovely woman, but he’s an absolute prick to her too….it shouldn’t make me feel justified - but at least I know for sure it wasn’t me who failed our marriage.

Assuming you have your own car, I would not be going in the same vehicle as him if he insists upon inserting himself into your mum's party. You go with the kids, as you had already planned. He needs to be reminded that you are now separated and will be divorcing.

You may be that you need to accept that he may try and manipulate you by threatening to say certain things to the children - or actually saying them.

For example, if he does say to the children something about your family not welcoming him, you can say that that's not quite right and that he has got it wrong.....and then provide an explanation as to why just you and the kids are going and not him.

It may be that you need to accept that he may try and manipulate you by threatening to say certain things to the children - or actually saying them.

For example,

So happy you have a supportive family network, OP. You sound very strong and you are being incredibly fair and measured in the face of his headfuckery. Don't let him wear you down with his histrionic bullshit. Have a lovely time at your mum's and just ignore him - what an absolute idiot, effectively hijacking your mum's special event, where he'll be about as welcome as dogshit brought in on someone's shoe. He clearly doesn't want anyone in your family talking about him or for you to be able to seek their support out of his earshot, whilst at the same time, bad mounting you to your children. He clearly gives no shits for anyone's feelings other than his own. You are 100% doing the right thing. Any promises of reform are just self serving lies to mess with your head. Stay resolute. 💐

You’re doing brilliantly in a very difficult situation. Whatever you decide to do about tomorrow just remember that your soon to be exDH will be trotting out “mummy’s family don’t want me” or some other variation to that regardless of what you do.

If it's at your brothers house then your brother has every right to refuse entry to whoever he likes. Might be worth getting you and the kids in first though and then the kids out the back so he can't kick off in front of them or try to physically stop them from going in. And if he does kick off tell him having the police called on him won't look very good will it?

At some point though there will be a time when you will be with the kids and your family without him pissing a circle around you all, and "mummy's family don't want me" will be trotted out sooner or later so I'd start drawing a line asap. Especially if it means your mother's birthday celebration is going to have an atmosphere otherwise.

Does it matter if he tells the kids none of Mummy’s family want him there? Your mum has already explained to your DD that it will be better to have 2 ‘happy places’ and I am sure your Mum
would be willing to back you up and explain that Daddy wasn’t invited this time because it’s a difficult situation for the whole family to get used to but it’s best to start as we all mean to go on and do things a bit differently now.

It IS better for the DC that you stay firm on this, despite what he says to them. You don’t need to be dramatic about it, like he’s being, you just need to stay calm and be the loving line in the sand that this is how things are now, and yes it’s a shame that Daddy can’t come because things are changing but it will all feel more normal soon.

I would ask your brother to contact him directly and disinvite him so you don't have to get involved. Make a note of anything negative he says about you/ your family to the kids.

You’re doing great 💐

I’d start as I mean to go on and tell him he’s not coming tomorrow, especially as your brother who’s hosting doesn’t want him there

Excellent point.

The more he reveals his ugly self on email etc., the better.

I think it's fantastic he's putting his batshitery in writing. He's literally handing you evidence he's abusive left right and centre. Can't go out socially without him indeed 😂He's a complete idiot.

I'd be encouraging him to incriminate himself as much as he wants to, frankly.

Like a lot of abusive arseholes losing control of their victims, he is plucking any bullshit from Google in the hope to intimidate.

Do not engage.

Get legal advice and tell him to do the same.

OP, you have tolerated his violence before, now you need to call the police at the merest hint of it.

It is in your best interests to do this.

His logic is skewed to say the least. How can he think he'll be invited to your family events. It's not up to you to invite to a family wedding, that's for the bride & groom. Likewise with his family - why would they want to invite their son's divorced wife to a family event. I know some families do but IME they are in the minority.

This certainly doesn't have the weight of law behind it. I hope you can get to discuss this with a solicitor soon.

Yeah he’s being ridiculous there is no law that states anyone leaving a marriage has to socialise with their ex forevermore. None. It’s absurd.

By that logic what would be the point in any couple divorcing if they have to always be with each other socially anyway? He CANNOT accompany you to your own mothers birthday for example, just because you’ve taken your kids to see their grandmother. See how mad that sounds, that there would ever be a law to prevent that? No, he’s just trying to scare you. Pass all this onto your solicitor and put in writing and make notes of all these implied threats.

I see he's taken some legal advice from Google.

Ignore. Its bollocks. He's gone back to trying to scare and intimidate you.

Press on with your plans. Brace yourself. He may say he's going for custody. He won't get it. Just nod and smile and leave it to the solicitor.

He is an idiot and is entirely wrong on his assertions.

You ARE separated. Lots of divorcing couples remain living in the family home until financial settlement or alternative arrangements are agreed.

You do not need his consent to take your children to events without him.

He clearly has no clue about "the law" and is again trying to intimidate you and control the situation. He does not want you going to events with the children without him because he cannot bear to think of what people might be saying outside of his earshot.

The sooner he gets a letter from your solicitor spelling it out the better.

Sorry you're having to deal with all this. It's horrible.