To have told him I want a divorce

A couple of other things:

You do not have to answer the phone to him, or reply to his messages.

Do not allow him into your new (even if it's temporary) home. Use this as an opportunity to start asserting clear boundaries. If he comes around and knocks, tell him to wait then close the door. He will try to invade your privacy and space, so stand firm.

If he starts making threats of any kind, do not hesitate to report him to the police.

He’s a nasty manipulative shit to your kids. He’s treated them vile. Have you kept a diary of his behaviour - could you get an occupational consent to stay in the house and kick him out?

Congratulations on the move! I am so pleased you are supported by your family. You have taken a huge step and although there will be challenging times ahead things can only get better for you for now on. Xx

Hang on in there.

I remember the instant relief the day I became a single parent. No longer having to live in a constant state of high alert with an abusive husband.

The financials will work themselves out eventually with your lawyer. Concentrate on rebuilding your life with your children. Ignore his messages and make it clear you will communicate only about contact arrangements.

You no longer have to facilitate any aspect of his life. He won't like it, but you have done the hardest part so WELL DONE TO YOU!

Have a great weekend doing whatever you want!

@Sowhatimstillarockstar9 - hope you are ok after yesterday's move. Sending strength and solidarity.

All of the above comments are spot on .
Once you have moved out this weekend and kids are settled . Then tell
hi no more 50/50
Keep your cards close to your chest , I’m sure I've said this before . Sharing your moves with him won’t do you any good.
50/50 is not int he kids best interests . He’s messing with their heads . No amount of money is worth doing this to dc .
If you have to fight him then that’s what you have to do . I think you will
find once your out and things move on he won’t eat to spend his money either .

No one wants to spend money on solicitors.

However, sometimes it's a necessary evil. There is a good chance it will save you money in the long term. I'd suggest this is especially the case for you. You sound ground down by this bully. I think you probably need someone to advocate for you.

Yes 60/40 splits and higher are common. It depends on the bigger picture eg pensions etc. Your solicitor should advise.

There is a thread somewhere… it closely mirrors your situation, and it follows the OP through the separation, buying a new place, etc. you really should read it. Honestly, reading some of your posts are taking me right back to her own struggles., particularly around his emotional manipulation of the children. She is happy now. Oh I wish I could find it!

He is weaponising the children in order to punish you for ending the marriage. This is a very common tactic used by angry men.

Legal fees are expensive, but they are unavoidable in conflict-based divorce proceedings.

Your sister-in-law had no right to keep your daughter at her house against her will. Like a typical angry man, he is recruiting other women to provide childcare when it's inconvenient for him to have them.

You might have to spell this out to your SIL that your children are not pawns to be passed around when he can't be bothered to parent.

Hey OP, I have read your thread for a while now but haven’t felt like I had anything to add to all the excellent advice from other posters.
Reading your latest update, I think it is clear he is unable to put his children’s needs first. Upsetting the kids to try and get to you is emotionally abusive. It meets his emotional need for validation and revenge but it is hurting them and potentially damaging their long term mental health too. I have to seriously question whether a 50:50 shared care arrangement is in their best interests or even feasible? Thus far you are doing 100% of the care during the week and he is doing every other weekend (and using you as childcare when your DD was unwell). Did you suggest this arrangement out of fear or the assumption at the start that he would be more reasonable? Will he take the kids to clubs and appointment during the week? Will he keep the house reasonably clean and cook for them? I would be concerned that you might be setting your children up for more heartache by sending them to him half of the time. The conflict will not necessarily end after the divorce and financial settlement are over. He will not suddenly become emotionally mature and stop trying to manipulate your children to hurt you.

Stop cooking for him! Cook for you and the kids and throw away any leftovers or hide them in freezer.

Don’t wash his clothes or tidy his room.

He's being a prick but what are you doing to progress the situation? You obviously can't continue the way you are for the children's sake (which has been evident in a fair few if your updates) Have you been to see a solicitor about the house/divorce?

This isn't going to be resolved in an amicable, reasonable way. He's not a pleasant chap who'll do what's best for the kids.

He doesn't want to lose you. He loves having you to push around, do his bidding and make him feel powerful.

You will need to force the next step, legally. Do it for your children.

He's still being a controlling abusive arse.

You need to find your anger and strength. He does not get to call the shots. Ignore it.

The photo thing is cruel for your kids.

Where are you with legal advice? You need to push things forward now.

He sounds like a complete drain on your life. You deserve better. Please don't allow him to go to family events, he's dug his own grave. When I was younger my first husband was very similar and I had to fight to get him out of my life, I eventually succeeded and I'm now with lovely second DH, my children love him like a dad and my first husband decided to disappear, leaving me with all his debt. But you know what? It's sorted now and my life with my immediate family is so much better, there really is light at the end of the tunnel (( hugs))

What is the current status of your divorce? And what is your lawyer’s advice on staying in the home? And why does he get to dictate how this is all going? I understand that you are tiptoeing around him and the kids because you think it will make divorce easier but surely you can see that it is not and it is actually making things worse for you and your kids?

Why does it matter if you are the one to
leave? One of you has to, the children are suffering and they have to come first. You also need control over your environment, this will take its toll on you and is not sustainable.

You must leave, it’s the only way to put boundaries in place and to provide your children with stability. Yes, it’s hard, it’s scary, but in the not too distant future you’ll question why you didn’t leave a long time ago.

As for 50:50, it won’t last. He’ll want you to have the kids more and more to limit your freedom (and scupper your ability to meet a new partner in the longer term) whilst he quickly finds a replacement. It’s all about fear and control.

Please, @Sowhatimstillarockstar9, start the next chapter immediately, this is no way for any of you to live

You are going around in Circles.
Have you made any progress since you told the kids .
What you are both doing is unfair .
Pleas take steps to move out or do what you have said regarding legal advice etc.

You tell the kids and now they in limbo and there heads being messed with . Why are you staying and putting you all through this ?

The kids will be fine when they actualy know what they are doing . You have Told them about another home and spiel about doing up rooms . Move things forward

Stay strong OP x
His manipulative behaviour is bad enough for you to cope with but your poor kids .....
at this rate I can’t see 50 % custody being a healthy option for your kids mental health. I think you seriously need to rethink this and not just opt for 50% custody to get away from this narcissistic bully

I find this thread difficult to read . Regarding what is happening to the kids .
OP i know your going through a Tough time but I think you need to start making decisions and move this along now .

Have you spoken to your lawyer ? what did they say about you moving out or your rights to the house ?
Is calling women’s aid an option ?
I would serve him divorce papers then his lawyer has to respond and the ball is rolling regarding splitting assets .
Right now you are doing nothing so he doesn’t need to either .

There won't be any consequences, because it's him causing all the trouble and behaving so very badly.

I do agree with Scooby above about contacting Women's Aid for advice. They are very good.

His bad behaviour in front of the kids, and telling them things he really shouldn't, is particularly nefarious. Raise this with Women's Aid and they will be able to advise you.

Everything he is accusing you of (being manipulative etc) is typical DARVO behaviour. You can read about DARVO. It's a common tactic used by abusive people. (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.) They make out that they are the victim and that it is YOU who is behaving badly. It makes you feel like you're going mad.

Stay strong and keep steady.

He is beyond disgusting.
Every single update is worse than the last.
Not sure if you've contacted Women's Aid - please do. He is exposing your children to abusive, coercive and manipulative behaviour.
Log everything.
It will end, keep going.