Fed up with in-laws

Younhave had good advice from others on your DH and his lameness

Some other advice...

Let him go to visit on his own.
If he wants them to come down he shops he makes beds he entertains
He also takes time off to entertain.
Go to ",work" shut yourself up and be unavailable. Dont make tea dont listen to their chat.
go out with friends in the evening /do your own thing. never complain and never explain. Just do what you want.

My in laws are 4 hours away. Friday late afternoon - midday sunday is how long they visit for. This is after i laid it out for DH as crap as it is i made sure he was more scared of me being upset than them. Including crying at him a lot. Its bullshit it came to that but i had to sort it out before we had kids.
Life is much better now the "hierarchy is corrected"

Stop the passing on comments too. Make sure SIL knows that the reason she won’t be coming next summer (for 10 days or 1 day or whatever) is that your MIL passed on that you’re not able to support her well enough so it obviously won’t be good for her health to be with for a longer stay next time. Stop MIL pulling the strings.

The whole MN mantra of “you have a DH problem” is so ridiculous to me. Are you not a grown adult, with a mind and mouth of your own? The DIL/SIL-MIL/SIL relationship is completely different to a mother/brother-son/brother relationship. You need to speak up for yourself, advocate for yourself, sort out your own relationships. If your DH doesn’t like it, that’s his problem. He chose to marry you.

My approach with my equally ridiculous and difficult and nonsensical MIL and SIL is to be kind but firm. It’s my house, my DC, and they’re my responsibility and my duty. I don’t try to impose on them because I give them the respect I think they deserve; I don’t allow them to impose on me because I think I deserve similar respect. My DH has never spoken to them “for me”: why would he? I’m quite capable.

Just set whatever boundaries and rules you think are best. They’re family, they deserve time and kindness and accommodation etc. But on mutually agreeable terms. Nobody gets to dictate anything to anyone (except babies and toddlers!!).

Why is your DH offering YOUR time away like this?

This!

I've read so many threads over the years from women who have been left to entertain, clean and cook for relatives (and friends) of their DH's while he merrily buggers off to work for the week.

I have never read a single thread where a man has cleaned the house, cooked for and entertained his wife's family while she goes to work.

@elsieandthepooch What would your H say if you expected him to WFH and offer emotional support for your depressed sister, while you kept long hours at the office?

Why can’t he visit on his own?

🎙️ You’ve got a husband problem🎙️

Listen, it doesn’t really matter the ins & outs of whats been said, you can’t change other peoples personalities. Your husband is who you married, and he needs to be the one unhappy with how you are being treated and put the boundaries down.

My husband went no contact with his mum for upsetting me and then denying she was in the wrong. I didn’t ask him to but I am really really am happy that he did. Your husband needs to grow a pair or you will be married to a mummies boy forever.

I would make it a VERY firm rule that if DH’s relatives are visiting, then he is to take time off work for the entire visit and ensure that he is 100% available to them because you absolutely will not be.

Secondly, I would speak very frankly to your MIL and advise her that you are not a therapist or an assistance dog. You are unable to offer useful “support” to SIL, and suggest that she get professional help instead. Your home is not a sanitorium.

Thirdly, I would explain to all three of them that you will not be pushed or guilt-tripped into doing anything you don’t want to do. You have your own health to consider and you are prioritizing your own needs over theirs for the foreseeable future.

DH needs a kick in the pants as well for not putting your needs first.

I work remotely but need to work from my own home, I couldn't work in someone else's home, especially with people like your MIL and SIL there.

To be blunt op you need your spare room filled. Either with dcats, a library or take up archery and shove a target in there... But close your bloody hotel!!
Jeez these cheeky fuckers need kept away. Dh can go visit them.

Shut him down sharply straightwaway next time he starts on your family.

And why does he need you to go with him in October? It sounds like he wants to regress into childhood with MIL and have you witness it.

They are his family, you married him not them so as long as your polite you don't have to spend all your time with them or entertaining them.

yes, this. treat them like friends of his. why are you being expected to host while he invites them and fucks off to work, having given away YOUR time?!

I agree that DH is part of the problem

you're still not getting it OP.

your DH IS The problem.

his family is for him to deal with - what on earth went on that your MIL can tell you that SIL is coming for a week, and your DH fucked off to work every day until late?

Why is your DH offering YOUR time away like this?

You need to begin there and wisen up, he isn't PART of the problem, it's HIS problem to fix.

I'd just step back, you sound like you've married into a family which is suffocating, all this staying over for long periods - sounds awful and i think your DH doesn't understand most women wouldn't sign up to this and say fuck that, i'm off long ago.

Tell your DH he is more then welcome to visit them st half term but you don't have to go as well.
They are his family, you married him not them so as long as your polite you don't have to spend all your time with them or entertaining them.
If he wants them to stay, that's on him, likewise if he wants to visit them great but you can say no.

Tell them that if anyone needs support they need to clearly ask for it, and then you can clearly tell them whether you can or can't do what they need. Tell DH he has to take the lead entertaining DSIS and DMIL or they cannot visit.

Another voice saying your spineless husband is the problem here.

He won’t ever set any boundaries so you’re going have to do that:

Weekend stays with you only - he needs to be there to entertain, support, cook, clean etc etc

No requirement to spend a week with MIL - he can go on his own for a week. If you have to go then can you stay in a hotel see her for a day and then enjoy a day or two doing other things?

Not sure if you have DC but I’d be keeping them away from their unpleasant and manipulative gran as much as possible.

The news is full of companies encouraging / demanding people come into work. So sorry it's happening then. No need for advance notice to anyone. Can't argue with an employer. It pays the bills.

Your husband is not 'part of the problem', he is the entire problems. Any decent man would have put a stop to their shitty behaviour from the first instant.
You don't need an excuse to not be around them. 'i don't enjoy spending time with people who are unpleasant to me, thanks.'
He gets to slag off your relatives and then fights you if you mention his trash relatives? Time to grow a spine.

They are not your family, they are an extension of your DH's family and if he wants them to visit them then he needs to be the one 'supporting' and entertaining so you can get on with your life.

"DH, you are very welcome to visit your mum when ever you need. Half term I will be on the other side of the country with our children and enjoying my life."

"If your mum or sister choses to visit, that's great but the most they're welcome is 72 hours. That's it. After that I will be staying else where and you will need to cater for them. They are odd and this is my home too."

Amen.

I wouldn’t go. If your regular day-to-day personality isn’t good enough for them, fuck ‘em.

Tell DP the reason is because you’re fed up with it.

Strange that SIL obviously reported back that you weren’t sufficiently supportive yet wants to come back next year and stay even longer....

Your in laws sound horrendous. I echo what other pp have said. Stop letting them tell you what you're doing in your own home. 2 nights is plenty.

For context I spent 20 years trying to please my in laws. Then I grew a pair and now I don't have them to stay, rarely go down and never overnight and do what I want for Christmas. They're not even nasty people just very very different to me and exhausting.

Women spend too much of their lives putting themselves out to please men's families in my view.

I used to go with my husband and stay for the weekend and then come back. DH would stay the week with Ds and that would be the sum total if my engagement. It was always busy at work 🤷‍♀️ would love to have been there (not).

Jesus. Your husband is pathetic. And your MIL sounds fucking vile.

“No, I don’t want to be around her. She’s horrible to me.” And repeat. And refuse.

They don’t like you anyway, who gives a shit what they think?