Fed up with in-laws

Husband needs to be a better mediator, MIL is downright the problem here, SIL seems like she is confused. MIL is a huge instigator, she adds fuel to the fire. Your DH seems like a child who is not able to control is mom. Basic situation, your are married to him and she needs to respect you. If anything why doesn't she take the SIL in for a while. Why is all put on you guys? Please, put boundaries in place with MIL and SIL. If you two are only arguing with them around then that's a good sign you have a healthy relationship, MIL and SIL are the problems.

Speaking from experience in situations like this, the biggest problem you've got is your husband. Regardless of how he feels, he needs to understand that they make you feel stressed and uncomfortable and you shouldn't be put in situations like that especially in your own home. I would suggest making it clear that if he wants to have his sister stay again then he needs to be off work and with her. Not you, and to be honest any families living together under the same roof for more than a night will cause friction so he's once again asking you to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation by staying at your mils for a week.

It got pretty bad with myself and my husband at one point and I made it quite clear I wasn't sticking around to be spoken to badly by his parents. He heard her making snide remarks and didn't say anything so again I said I wouldn't be involved in that so the decision is up to you. Either stand up for me as your wife or risk losing me and things changed pretty quickly. Everyone now knows that in no uncertain terms neither he or I will take that shit and they also now know that if they keep pushing me they'll lose him so they've back right down.

The point to my long post is that they know he hasn't got your back so they keep pushing. He needs to be on your team and get off the fence. He married you and commited himself so sadly now he needs to show up especially when you're so uncomfortable in your own home

Why can't you use working "remotely" as an excuse? It requires just as much effort and focus as working in an office. You can't reasonably be expected to host and counsel demanding house guests at the same time. If they ask (demand) again tell your DH to see if he has time available for annual leave and if he doesn't, they don't come to stay. That might at least make him think twice. BTW , her visit can't have been too miserable if she wants to stay for longer next time ?

This is excellent advice.

I have the same issue. DH's entire family are apparently saints, while mine are entirely human, warts and all. It drives me effing mad. I've spent years pondering the root cause of it and have decided it's a rather annoying narcissistic trait of his (he's perfect, so by extension they are too).

I’m curious. What “support” did your SIL exactly want that you didn’t provide? Did she even say?

You are not a therapy centre so your SIL shouldn't come there looking for support and being a gossipy cow at the same time. Your mil, well she can bugger off. Who is she really to be speaking to you like that? She is very sly and says this to you when dh isn't around. I would really give it to her back and stand your ground. And like hell would I be staying with them.

Stop looking for excuses and lay it on the line with your husband

Point out that there appears to be one rule for his family and another for yours and please could he justify that to you (he won't be able too)

Tell him exactly what you think and how they make you feel and ask him why that's acceptable.

Tell him exactly how much you are prepared to put up with and what you expect from him re your family

And don't back down!

If his family come to stay again then DH takes times off work to entertain them or they don't come.
I often don't go to my ILs when DH takes the children. We get on OK but sometimes I need a break too so I stay at home and catch up on stuff or just chill out! Noone gets offended. They want to see DH and DGChildren anyway not me!

DH really needs to either limit the length of time for these visits or take time off work to entertain his mum and sister. Dumping hosting of people he knows can be difficult (but I assume loves) on you is not reasonable - especially if you have your own worries and concerns at the moment.

I'd suggest weekend/ long weekend only visits for the moment. And let DH knows he needs to be available for most of that time to help host.

I would also say no to a week at half term. That is too much.

Why do folks in his family not do long weekends? DH and I realised that 2-3 nights max is all we can really handle, no matter how much we get on with the house guest. After that we need some space for just us and the kids. I think most people stick to a 3 night max stay for visitors.

He clearly couldn't care less about you and your health issues behaving as he does.

You must have a really low bar not to realise how awful his behaviour is, particularly at this time.

Your husband is really awful and you don't seem to realise it.

You need to wake up to how poorly you are treated by him.

Perhaps you should call Womens aid for a chat.

Have you friends and family you can ask for support?

He seems to treat you like his familys skivvy.

I echo this, we argue most about the in laws and their constant need to see us, if it's not at least once a month we are constantly being suggested meet ups until we agree. They live 2 hours away so it's not a short trip.

The regression when home with the parents does my bloody head in, you are late 30s grown up stop acting like your 12. Not to mention that I appear to not exist when he is there and I'm left on child and dog duty whilst he does whatever.

I dared suggest that we had Christmas ourselves at home just us the child and dogs, oh dear god that has caused an insane amount of stress and is almost not worth it (except that it is to be able to spend Christmas in my pj's 😂)

You have my sympathies, I've just started putting my foot down and saying no but that causes arguments so it's not really a win.

Haven't read the whole thread but think you're a saint (or a fool) to put up with any of this. I couldn't bear to have anyone to stay for a week unless they took full charge of their own entertainment and I never stay with others for longer than 3 or 4 days.

Why would your sil even want to stay with you if she feels so awkward? You certainly shouldn't be tasked with supporting her.

Talk to your husband about what you can reasonably do and refuse to do more. As has been said, it's his family so his responsibility.

Is he off his rocker???

"mil, unfortunately the dates sil came dh was only home at 7pm and needs to relax after work. I'm also struggling with things right now. I know you are worried about sil. We did our best but unfortunately we are not medically trained pyscolosgist or psychotherapist and cannot be give sil the help you feel we should be.

As our best was nt good enough I don't think it's a good idea at all she come again and mil, this role you are casting me in is not at all what I'm interested.

To dh - I've been cast, without my permission into a caring role to help your sister. I'm not willing to play this part.

I've had your mum moaning at me constantly about how baldy over played this part for your sister.
I'm not doing it.
End of.

Get him - and them - telt!

No, you will not be hosting poor depressed SIL. She was not happy last time, so you see no point in repeating the situation.

No, MIL cannot come for long visits. And you will not be doing anything to facilitate this. DH can damn well step up and spend time with his mother.

No, you won’t be visiting them. Or if you do go, you’ll be staying in a hotel to have your own space. Non-negotiable.

Let their whining fall on deaf ears! You are not a child to be told what to do by MIL. Show you have a strong spine and it might inspire your DH to do likewise.

No way! You were at work all the time while your mum was being nasty to me. You were at work all the time while your sister was here apparently needing support and me having to triple think every thing I said and did as she took every single thing the wrong way. You don’t back me up. Marriage isn’t indentured servitude and Hell will freeze over before I go on that visit. You hardly even back me up when you are there, so I might never go to your parents again to be honest. Why would I put myself through that? Just because you want me to? I want you to be present and supportive in interactions with your family while they have a go at me, and I don’t get that so I guess we both don’t get what we want.

You should add that now you think about it, if you aren’t going to stand up for me while your mum is having a go at me, I really never will go there again.

Are you afraid of your husband?

Why are you tolerating this?

Do not visit his family again.

Do not host his family again.

Arrange to visit your family if he wants his family to visit.

Refuse to go at Christmas.

If you are not afraid of him, why are you tolerating this?

Is he a nasty bully?

Stand up for yourself and stop being involved with his family.

Refuse his sisters visits if he isn't around.

Stop allowing him to criticise your family if he refuses to listen to you.

He sounds awful.

Just one other thing - if you do decide to visit the inlaws on their turf, be sure that you have an exit plan (even if you don't tell your DH until you need to use it) but make sure that if things get too much or they are rude to you, you pack up your stuff and you leave. With your DC as you're not going to have them pouring poison in their ears about how awful their mummy is, and just leave and go home.

Random shout out to my step father who did actually care for my gran while my mum legged it to work or other hastily arranged commitments. They don't make them like that any more.

Your husband family come to visit when he is available to deal with them.

You don't need to spend every holiday with them and can mix your family husband family and your immediate family in equal parts throughout the year.

If he doesn't have your back when MIL moans don't go.

These in law threads are another world. When I first met DP he would regress when visiting his mum so I said I would only go with him if I wasn't responsible for making conversation with her while he watched the snooker. He agreed and we've never had a problem since.

They're not your family, they're his. Let him do it all, unless he's actively engaging with your family and taking responsibility for their wellbeing.

Have a proper chat with DH about your boundaries going forward, your personal boundaries and boundaries for the two of you as a couple. That it is unacceptable that he lets them cause arguments between you. Include length of any visit in future and that he will need to be around in the day if he wants to host. It sounds like they will never be happy so I'd stop caring what they think and if a visit to them doesn't work for you, don't go. Practice the following phrases and have them on repeat 'no, that won't work for us", 'sorry you feel that way MIL, as DH is your son I'd suggest you bring it up with him'.

Your DH is most welcome to visit with his mother and family during half term but you're not going with him. Stand your ground.
Neither you nor your DH are medically trained in dealing with depression and your SiL clearly needed more than just a fleeting visit with her brother. I say fleeting because he was the one who wasn't there for her. He should have taken time off work to spend time with his sister. Instead it was up to you to be there for her and you don't have that relationship with her (and probably never will).

Have a conversation with your DH about how your suggestion of 4 days visit was overridden by his mother, how, when you look into the root cause of the arguments between yourselves, it's his mother that is the instigator of those arguments. When is your DH going to put his NEW family (i.e. you and your child(ren)) first??? He's still so enmeshed in his old family that when they say Jump he immediately replies How high?

Is he in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) that if he actually stood up to them that all hell would break loose? That his mother would break down and cry to him? Is he fearful of that? Does he feel obligated to see them and to be host when they want to visit? Would it be so terrible if they actually stayed in a different location (local hotel/BnB) than with you if they came to visit? Would he feel guilty if they were to stay elsewhere during a visit?
I think you need to have a conversation and the sooner the better. At least then you'll know exactly where you stand in the pecking order in your DH's eyes. What you do with that information once you learn it, is entirely up to you.

Bloody hell, since when has hosting someone for an entire week not been supportive? An entire week is too long in most cases to host guests...any guests, even those you get on well with. Your husband is a complete dick to subject you to that and their constant criticisms

Yes lots of good advice already but MIL does not get to decide who stays in your house or for how long. It is your house.

And if any of them are ever allowed back over the doorstep, DH does all the prep in advance and steps up to home and back from extra work to do it all while they are there (in fact - he should be taking leave to look after them as you are working so can't).