What to say to the children about their dad being an asshole?

I've always imagined it isn't easy to be a non-resident parent. It would have broken my heart if I had had to be one and I'm not sure I would have been a good one.
So perhaps say that to your children.

It's always really tempting to feel that your kids should be made to "understand" these situations but I think outside of cases of severe abuse and really awful behaviour it's usually best avoided.

Your kids will figure this out for themselves over time (probably already have done). They will already know you are the parent who puts in the hard yards on their behalf and their dad isn't.

I divorced my ex because he drank too much, was verbally and financially abusive and did very little to support me. I am very very hardline about never slagging him off to my DD (12), although he has been rude about me to her. She now has a fairly cordial but quite distant relationship with him but very much sees me as her important parent and will always choose me over him. She's figured it out on her own without me needing to sow negativity which could hurt her.

I remember a friend whose parents had divorced due to his father's alcoholism telling me something which always stuck with me: he said that if your parents have split and one parent criticises the other it is experienced by the child as a personal attack on you as you are literally half of the other parent. It never helps.

Kids aren't stupid: they know instinctively who it is who is doing the hard work. And they won't thank you ultimately from making them feel torn over something they have no control over.

We have a very similar situation. Kids are far more perceptive than we give them credit for. How I’ve dealt with it is to talk broadly about behaviour. Teaching them to challenge unacceptable behaviour when they see it. We talk about what a good parent looks like and how it’s the adults responsibility to meet the child’s needs irrespective of a failed relationship. We talk about what a good partner looks like and they see examples of that in their uncles and other male role models. We talk about societal structures and how these are designed to entrap women and how that filters down to everyday relationships.

Dd’s often connect our discussions to their dad. More often they’ll compare their friends separated parents to their dad’s lack of effort. It won’t bode well for him in the coming years. They love him and the lack of structure there. But they also recognise that he’s completely unreliable. They no longer ask him for things they need, which is actually quite sad when you think about it.

Dd1 is nearly 12, I’ve taught her to think critically, which makes parenting interesting. So they’re driving through the city with her dad and the girlfriend. He excitedly points out to where he works. He’d been saying for months that he didn’t have a job. No money, so he’d reduced maintenance to an insulting amount this is all whilst living extravagantly. Dd turns to him and says “I thought you didn’t have a job” 🤣 he then sputters that he was on a “break” but is now back working. If only I could have been a fly in that car!

To be honest, as someone who had a shitty dad, I think my mum handled it really well by never really saying anything that could be construed as negative. She only ever said anything factual and never made excuses for him when we talked to her about it ‘yes, it’s disappointing he hasn’t answered the phone’ ‘it isn’t kind of him to do/say xyz’ etc but never brought it up herself. She put us right if we said something that was incorrect, like if we said ‘oh at least he pays child maintenance’ she’d point out he actually didn’t. Then we just saw him for what he was. At 11 your son is at an age where he’ll see it too.

It's right to point out that his behavior is poor. So you don't say "Your father is an asshole," you say "I think it's very unfair to you when...". Criticize the behavior, not the person.

Your 11 year old will already know it’s his father that’s at fault. All you need to say on a day to day basis is something like “oh well, did you leave a message?” Then give him a brief hug and move on.

Wiser people than me will have longer term strategies for when your ds wants to talk about how crap his father is - mine were a bit older than yours and had the conversations with friends and peers before they did with me. By the time they were in their late teens we could all acknowledge his crapness - they knew I thought he was crap because I’d divorced him.

I think the research shows that one loving, secure parent is enough for stability.