What to say to the children about their dad being an asshole?

My parents were “amicable” in front of us as kids but their truer feelings came out more as we got older. This felt a bit weird, like a realization that it was not so amicable all that time but I guess we were mature enough by that point to understand and appreciate being shielded from the animosity.

All that being said I guess focusing on validating your DC’s feelings is possibly the least toxic way forward. Eg letting them know it’s ok to be disappointed or to feel let down with ExDH does something to disappoint them or let them down. So not passing comment on him, or his behaviors even, but helping them understand that their own feelings are appropriate in order to help them continue to develop their own boundaries and principles.

While I try to avoid bashing my grandchildren's asshole father, I will be honest with them if they ask me questions. I am their father figure and they've come to rely on me for honest answers knowing they will only get bullshit from their father. I don't bash him, but I do point out the same bad behavior when we see it with others. Their father once accused me of bashing him and I told him I don't bash him, I just teach them the difference between nice and honest people and lying assholes and if they equate him to the lying assholes that's on him. I do know however that he attempts to manipulate them and bashes me in an effort to . I've often said they should not be left alone with him because he can be persuasive. Most people will see him as charming, but for those of us that know, we see him for the bullshit artist he is. The kids comment about how much of an ass he is, but seems to often skillfully suck them back into his web of deceit.d

My DD14 used to ask why her father isn't in her life. He's not seen her since she was two.

I always said some people are not good and caring about others, some people are only good at looking after themselves. You talk about personal boundaries and choice especially as they get older and have a legal voice and a choice.

Stop trying to facilitate it.

I think that's important about other adults knowing. I've found it happens fairly often that others say "your dad loves you/you must be so special to your dad/dads put their kids first all the time" that sort of stuff. You need to protect your kid from others good intentions too

I would be honest and not sugar coat. No rescuing. The "No badmouthing " rule only benefits abusers.

Meh, I wouldn’t protect him. I wouldn’t facilitate anything for him. I’d let the kids see, in time, what a useless and nasty cunt he is. I would, however, tell any relevant adult that would listen exactly what he was like.

I think maybe just talk with them when there has been unkind words or actions from their dad. How do they feel Etc. offer reassurance that his actions are reflections on himself only and not on them. If he is ignoring calls you can say something along the lines of “I don’t know why he isn’t answering, maybe he is busy or maybe he feels like he can’t answer right now”. As they get slightly older and if their father is being rude you can help them think about what boudaries they might want to put in place.

I echo others saying don't cover for him but at the same time don't slag him off. Keep it factual and be empathetic.

My ex was abusive. He regularly lies to the kids about me and himself. But also he's a shit dad and they see it.

I find myself saying things like "I'm not in charge of dad he makes decisions for himself" "yes I can see how that's upsetting you I'm sorry you are feeling that way" "that's dad's opinion it's not mine"

Perhaps I shouldn't but when they are telling me about a good weekend they had "at dads house" I tend to ask 'who took you there? Who played that with you?' 'Oh it was step mom/nanny? Where was daddy. Then make no comment when they tell me he was in bed or playing computer. Because I will not let them have this association that 'dads house' is awesome and they bake cakes and go to the park and play games when it's step mom and nanny doing it and dad taking the credit. But I'm careful never to give my opinion on their dad I just make sue when they say "I had a great weekend at dad's house" they realise who is making the effort for them in reality

No dont

the choice to be a good parent or not, regardless of circumstances is down to that parent. In this case the father could make the effort, it takes no effort to pick up the phone when your child calls. A good parent, who wanted to be involved would do everything they could to be there for their child, regardless of how hard it was for them

in this case he is choosing not to be there

Op people are right, discuss the action, oh dear did you leave a message etc. your child will know what their father is like

@Theunamedcat "literally tattooed on him"

This seems the best approach.

Don't makes excuses, my mother did. Dont cover up his bad behaviour. Tell them it is not because of anything they did that their dad does not see them more.

My son is 14 and has FINALLY come to the realisation that I'm not responsible for dad, his dad forgot his brothers birthday he tried blaming me because I "should have reminded him" I said 1, he didn't need reminding about YOUR birthday a few weeks ago and 2, it's literally TATTOOED on him he CAN read its been a long process

I agree with the others. I've done a huge amount of tongue biting over the years and mine are v v sensitive to anything remotely negative, even if it's not a criticism but a casual, jokey comment like "your dad couldn't do handstands either" (or whatever). Various communications from him over the years makes it clear he thinks I'm a terrible parent but not so bad I shouldn't do it all bar a couple of days a month.

I agree with the majority of posts that you've had here. It's ok to criticize his behaviour "I would be disappointed if I didn't get a call back too" because it's stuff like that which will tune her radar to crappy friends and partners in future too. Excusing his behaviour "Maybe he hasn't called back because he's busy with work" risks her growing up always excusing bad behaviour from friends and partners. Being upset that a call hasn't been returned is fair and you don't want to gaslight your dd and minimising things.
My kids have asked questions to me about their dad's behaviour and sometimes I say things like "I don't know" , "What do you think?" or "What happened last time ?" to help them connect the dots.

It does no end of harm to lie to children and try and cover a deadbeat dad's poor and often abusive behaviour. All it does is teach them that you're another person they can't trust and normalises accepting abuse in a relationship and even being abusive to others.

It's absolutely healthy to tell the truth and criticise the person and their behaviour if necessary (age appropriate). Use acceptable language but tell the truth all the same.

Another member of the shitty dad club here, and yes I agree with this. My mum did very similarly to this, and I think it was good of her and probably took a lot of tongue-biting!!

The only thing I'd say is that when I grew up and reflected on my childhood and my parents, I came to the realisation that my dad is indeed a massive dickhead. I tried to talk about this with my mum but she was sticking to the "your dad loves you very much, but he has his problems and he has trouble with XYZ" script. No mum, I'm 25 now, I'm old enough to understand he's just a dickhead 🤣 so then she did actually let the guard down a bit more and I was able to get all my feelings out - it was quite cathartic to be honest. I still bristle when anyone who isn't my mum, sibling, or husband says anything about him though. My mum did a very good job of making sure relatives and family friends didn't speak negatively about him in front of us, so I guess I've got used to that. He's still my dad, after all.

But yes, until they're very grown up I would stick to never being negative but always being factual as the above post says.

You might want to read Lundy Bancroft's "When Dad Hurts Mom" which covers pre and post separation abuse and its effect on children, including how to talk to them about it.

Also available to listen to on Audible as part of the thirty day introductory trial.

I’m surprised that you facilitate the contact at all. What positive this guy brings to your children’s lives?I suppose he’s “too skint” to afford any child support?

What are you teaching your child? Seeking approval at any cost from somebody who should love his child unconditionally? This has a potential for backfiring later in life- people pleasing,low self esteem and need for therapy.

I’m sorry to be blunt but I’d drop the rope completely.

Your poor kids

I've always tried not to be negative about xh to the dc, they are with him half the week and do have a decent relationship with him, although they prefer their time with me. I sometimes say things like "Dad doesn't always remember things correctly " or "dad doesn't understand what's it's like being a girl/having hair/etc" when he's been harsh with them

Unfortunately they have heard him speaking to me like shit, and do see for themselves what type of person he can be, so I don't need to tell them!

This is the correct approach.

You can also say 'I think your Dad should say these things to me or a friend instead of saying these things to you as you had no choice in the fact we separated.'

No do not say this.

It is hard to be a NR parent. That doesn't make it ok to say 'get iñ touch when you are older'.

The parent should think about the child, the child shouldn't have to accommodate the parent's inability to behave like an adult.

The truth is this parent is an unkind parent. Their words towards their children are damaging.