Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Has anyone had a baby via surrogacy?

368 replies

highsexdriveonhol · 20/08/2023 17:46

Posting for traffic as no one replied to the surrogacy area (fully aware probably the worst place to post but need answers!)

Disclaimer: this is NOT a thread about the ethics of surrogacy - please don't come here with posts about how you don't agree with surrogacy blah blah it's not what the thread is for and you'd be wasting your breath.

I'm exploring all routes of starting a family and to be honest, not convinced this route is for me but I feel only right to consider everything before drawing a line.

So I wanted to hear about positive and negative experiences of surrogacy from parents that did this to have a family.

Did it go well or not well for you, would you do it again?

Are there trauma issues for the child in your experience? Did you struggle to bond with the child?

Ideally looking for couple that used their own sperm and egg where possible.

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Iwasafool · 23/08/2023 17:16

Helleofabore · 23/08/2023 11:29

You first. Tell us what you are doing but I can guarantee that some of us on this thread are indeed working and campaigning to make a difference. Your attempt at shaming women who are speaking out about this is an empty one.

Show quote history

You are very defensive, why is it a problem to say the first thing that needs to be done is helping women so they don't need to do this.

What do I do? I donate a tenth of my pension to a charity that is helping women. The amount isn't any of your business but it is what I can manage. I vote for an MP who supports increases in aid to developing countries. I support fairtrade.

Tell us what you do apart from saying, "Don't do this for the money even if you desperately need it."

FannyCann · 23/08/2023 14:26

Helleofabore · 23/08/2023 10:03

“maybe surrogacy isn't as nice and fluffy as people want to pretend it is.”

Let’s face it. If the negative aspects of what you are doing can be stated in such blunt terms that it makes you that uncomfortable, and is not misrepresenting what you are doing, then you as a person understand that it has significant negative ramifications you just don’t want to face.

Looking back though I notice the posts saying ‘you won’t get a ‘balanced’ view here, or you should seek advice from other places’. I suspect these posters have somehow convinced themselves that some kinds of surrogacy are fine and dandy because they fully believe that the woman is making their own decision to be exploited. (And often those posters hate that term, ‘exploited’). It is what they say about sex work. It is said from
a privileged position of never having had to make the choice or because they bury the health risks behind, what was it?, just like getting in a car with someone!

Well if someone is going to use that fucked up analogy, it would be getting into the car with someone for 9 months non-stop, not knowing where you are going and with a bit of a map but it is not guaranteed that the map is even relevant to where your destination is, and driving throughout winter on roads that may be cleared of hazards but just as much a chance that they are not. What are your fucking chances of making it out of that car safely with no lifelong ramifications at all with a more realistic analogy ?

The minimizing of exploiting women’s bodies and infants is mind blowing when you see it in action on threads like this. There is no comprehension that this is exploitation at all. Infants and women- just a resource to be tapped while people use whatever denial mechanisms they can to hide the fact.

Well said. Star

FannyCann · 23/08/2023 14:23

Here is an interview with a young woman whose mother died as a result of surrogacy complications when she was a child.

RedToothBrush · 23/08/2023 14:19

FannyCann · 23/08/2023 14:18

Except if they die their children will be left without a mother.

Show quote history

Don't forget how they manage to support their family if they don't die but have a life changing birth injury. Which aren't as uncommon as you think

FannyCann · 23/08/2023 14:18

Helleofabore · 23/08/2023 10:24

And we have heard surrogates who have done it so they can care for their own children. But still ‘voluntary’ supposedly

Except if they die their children will be left without a mother.

Helleofabore · 23/08/2023 12:13

SirVixofVixHall · 23/08/2023 10:42

In my twenties I used to feel fine about so called “altruistic “ Surrogacy. I was childless, and hadn’t given it much thought beyond the “what an amazing thing to do for someone “ type of thing.
Then I had my daughters, which shifted my feelings somewhat. The main thing though was that a couple I know of, not friends of mine but friends and employers of my friend, bought their child from a specific country because it was “the cheapest”. This is a couple who boast on their website about their business giving money to people in poverty in various other countries. I also read more on Surrogacy, I thought more about the ethics, in particular as the trend for using an egg not from the surrogate became the norm, and I came to feel that even altruistic Surrogacy is wrong.
There is very new research coming out on pre-eclampsia and the lifelong health issues associated with it. Having had PE increases your risk significantly of vascular issues, including dementia, it also increases your risk of getting PE yourself in pregnancy . This applies to the baby as well, not just the mother As a PE baby who also had PE when pregnant, I am really worried about this personally, but as surrogate mothers who have had another woman’s egg implanted are at a notably increased risk of PE , that is another factor that makes Surrogacy something where all the benefits are for the commissioning parents, and none for the mother or baby.

I agree sirvix, that is interesting about PE.

It is just worth adding, I know it has been raised on this thread already, but the risk of Pre-eclampsia in a surrogate pregnancy has been shown may be greater, just as if you are carrying a donor egg.

Carrying an foetus that is not formed from your own genetic material is now being recognised as a huge potential risk for pre-eclampsia. I wonder if surrogates are being told this before they undergo the procedure. It is just another risk factor. Or, are there so many risks that they seem to be easy to shrug off?

user1471598758 · 23/08/2023 11:58

OhHolyJesus · 23/08/2023 11:16

@user1471598758 without revealing your identity (as the documentary series has a limited number of women, with too much info I suppose we could narrow it down) can you share here what motivated you to enter into a pregnancy for someone else?

You’ll likely know who I am, but I don’t really mind that🤣

For me it was for the person not about the act. I first hand watched someone’s trauma for years and I was able to help them. I think a lot of people in my shoes would have done the same.

My opinion on surrogacy in general is still very mixed. Lots of people on both sides do it for the wrong reasons so I’ll never support it in it’s whole. In our situation it was easy and right though.

I would never actively seek out doing it again. But equally if somebody else close to me had similar problems I would probably do it for them.

RavingStone · 23/08/2023 11:47

SirVixofVixHall · 23/08/2023 10:42

In my twenties I used to feel fine about so called “altruistic “ Surrogacy. I was childless, and hadn’t given it much thought beyond the “what an amazing thing to do for someone “ type of thing.
Then I had my daughters, which shifted my feelings somewhat. The main thing though was that a couple I know of, not friends of mine but friends and employers of my friend, bought their child from a specific country because it was “the cheapest”. This is a couple who boast on their website about their business giving money to people in poverty in various other countries. I also read more on Surrogacy, I thought more about the ethics, in particular as the trend for using an egg not from the surrogate became the norm, and I came to feel that even altruistic Surrogacy is wrong.
There is very new research coming out on pre-eclampsia and the lifelong health issues associated with it. Having had PE increases your risk significantly of vascular issues, including dementia, it also increases your risk of getting PE yourself in pregnancy . This applies to the baby as well, not just the mother As a PE baby who also had PE when pregnant, I am really worried about this personally, but as surrogate mothers who have had another woman’s egg implanted are at a notably increased risk of PE , that is another factor that makes Surrogacy something where all the benefits are for the commissioning parents, and none for the mother or baby.

That's really interesting about pre eclampsia. I had no idea, my own position on surrogacy having done a 180 when I learned about early childhood trauma and attachment.

It strikes me that the knowledge around surrogacy just isn't widely enough understood. And the bias in our society as viewing women as purely vessels (in this case incubators) and children as possessions and commodities, serves to prevent people being curious about the wider implications beyond "I want a baby".

Helleofabore · 23/08/2023 11:29

Iwasafool · 23/08/2023 10:42

If people feel strongly about poor women being surrogates as they have no viable financial options are they doing anything to prevent that need? It is all very well to say a poor woman shouldn't be exploited but say that woman can't feed her children or she has a sick child and she can't pay for the necessary medical treatment, what are you doing about it? Surely the first step is to campaign to ensure no one has to be a surrogate as her only option, banning her from using that option might mean her children are sick or dying.

To me banning surrogacy seems to be starting at the wrong end of the problem.

You first. Tell us what you are doing but I can guarantee that some of us on this thread are indeed working and campaigning to make a difference. Your attempt at shaming women who are speaking out about this is an empty one.

OhHolyJesus · 23/08/2023 11:16

@user1471598758 without revealing your identity (as the documentary series has a limited number of women, with too much info I suppose we could narrow it down) can you share here what motivated you to enter into a pregnancy for someone else?

SirVixofVixHall · 23/08/2023 10:42

In my twenties I used to feel fine about so called “altruistic “ Surrogacy. I was childless, and hadn’t given it much thought beyond the “what an amazing thing to do for someone “ type of thing.
Then I had my daughters, which shifted my feelings somewhat. The main thing though was that a couple I know of, not friends of mine but friends and employers of my friend, bought their child from a specific country because it was “the cheapest”. This is a couple who boast on their website about their business giving money to people in poverty in various other countries. I also read more on Surrogacy, I thought more about the ethics, in particular as the trend for using an egg not from the surrogate became the norm, and I came to feel that even altruistic Surrogacy is wrong.
There is very new research coming out on pre-eclampsia and the lifelong health issues associated with it. Having had PE increases your risk significantly of vascular issues, including dementia, it also increases your risk of getting PE yourself in pregnancy . This applies to the baby as well, not just the mother As a PE baby who also had PE when pregnant, I am really worried about this personally, but as surrogate mothers who have had another woman’s egg implanted are at a notably increased risk of PE , that is another factor that makes Surrogacy something where all the benefits are for the commissioning parents, and none for the mother or baby.

Iwasafool · 23/08/2023 10:42

If people feel strongly about poor women being surrogates as they have no viable financial options are they doing anything to prevent that need? It is all very well to say a poor woman shouldn't be exploited but say that woman can't feed her children or she has a sick child and she can't pay for the necessary medical treatment, what are you doing about it? Surely the first step is to campaign to ensure no one has to be a surrogate as her only option, banning her from using that option might mean her children are sick or dying.

To me banning surrogacy seems to be starting at the wrong end of the problem.

Iwasafool · 23/08/2023 10:32

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 20/08/2023 21:39

Agree. Can't imagine handing over the child I had given birth to after seeing just how much they instinctively already know who you are within that golden hour after birth, seeing them do the breast crawl, and only stopping crying when they're with me.

People forget the child in these circumstances and assume that because all looks fine on the surface of things for surrogate families that the child hasn't just gone through a huge trauma.

Show quote history

If a mother isn't lucky enough to be there for the golden hour (I was in theatre for it after a EMCS) the baby will breast crawl on another adult. Fathers being a great example. My baby was so happy with their dad that other women on the ward told me it made them tearful to watch. (I think they thought I was dead as it was so long before we were reunited.)

Helleofabore · 23/08/2023 10:24

And we have heard surrogates who have done it so they can care for their own children. But still ‘voluntary’ supposedly

Helleofabore · 23/08/2023 10:22

Let us not forget ‘voluntary’ covers a huge range of eventualities. Including family unmentionable dynamics or someone’s need to ‘be a good person’ which can hide many motivations.

VestaTilley · 23/08/2023 10:20

Actually @MistyTrains2 women can receive “expenses”. These often average between £15k- £20k per woman. That provides a very real financial incentive for women from poor backgrounds to do this for richer people, for the money. U.K. surrogacy is not altruistic.

MistyTrains2 · 23/08/2023 10:12

It is illegal to pay someone in the UK to be a surrogate. There is no money involved and women do it voluntarily. There is far more demand than availability iyswim.

Helleofabore · 23/08/2023 10:03

“maybe surrogacy isn't as nice and fluffy as people want to pretend it is.”

Let’s face it. If the negative aspects of what you are doing can be stated in such blunt terms that it makes you that uncomfortable, and is not misrepresenting what you are doing, then you as a person understand that it has significant negative ramifications you just don’t want to face.

Looking back though I notice the posts saying ‘you won’t get a ‘balanced’ view here, or you should seek advice from other places’. I suspect these posters have somehow convinced themselves that some kinds of surrogacy are fine and dandy because they fully believe that the woman is making their own decision to be exploited. (And often those posters hate that term, ‘exploited’). It is what they say about sex work. It is said from
a privileged position of never having had to make the choice or because they bury the health risks behind, what was it?, just like getting in a car with someone!

Well if someone is going to use that fucked up analogy, it would be getting into the car with someone for 9 months non-stop, not knowing where you are going and with a bit of a map but it is not guaranteed that the map is even relevant to where your destination is, and driving throughout winter on roads that may be cleared of hazards but just as much a chance that they are not. What are your fucking chances of making it out of that car safely with no lifelong ramifications at all with a more realistic analogy ?

The minimizing of exploiting women’s bodies and infants is mind blowing when you see it in action on threads like this. There is no comprehension that this is exploitation at all. Infants and women- just a resource to be tapped while people use whatever denial mechanisms they can to hide the fact.

user1471598758 · 23/08/2023 10:02

OhHolyJesus · 23/08/2023 07:23

@user1471598758

Were you a surrogate mother or a commissioning parent?

Admittedly i read this before watching the series so may have been biased, but after watching I thought a lot about Emma and Caitlin. I thought Emma was especially vulnerable as an unemployed, lonely, single mum in a tiny flat with suicidal thoughts and these two men seem to 'rescue' her.

stopsurrogacynowuk.org/2021/05/31/surrogacy-in-the-media-a-review-of-bbc-threes-the-surrogates-long-read/

I was a surrogate.

It’s interesting reading people’s interpretations of our situation though. I do sometimes wonder if the documentary did more harm than good.

At the end of the day, it’s an entertainment program, which shows around 40 minutes of our lives after hundreds of hours of filming. I can’t speak for all the surrogates on there, but for me I feel there are inaccuracies in how our story comes across.

I don’t regret carrying the baby, and I’m involved in their life now as a kind of distant auntie figure, but I probably wouldn’t allow the filming if I could go back in time.

RedToothBrush · 23/08/2023 09:46

SpidersAreShitheads · 23/08/2023 04:48

Absolutely. Well said @NuffSaidSam.

@sociallyanxiouspartone it's one thing disagreeing passionately about the very real ethical considerations surrounding surrogacy - it's quite another to wish infertility on people and their families because they're not willing to turn a blind eye to the issues. Absolutely vile.

There are many brave, wonderful, selfless women on this thread who have endured the heartbreak of infertility - but have been absolutely clear that they would never put another woman's life at risk nor inflict trauma on the baby by considering surrogacy.

You talk about "nasty horrid people". I'll tell you what I think is nasty and horrid - allowing another woman to put themselves at risk of serious harm or even death. Putting a newborn baby through the trauma of separation. I'd even go as far as saying that's abhorrent.

Show quote history

I think the narcissism of surrogacy was very much laid bare in that comment.

It is all me, me, me without consideration for the implications for others. The only thing that matters is the infertility/inability of commissioning parents to conceive on their own.

Therefore the rest of the world must bend to allow this and ethics be damned.

How very dare the mean people point out that it's buying a baby.

If you can't deal with the fact it's baby buying and you need to sanitise the language or shut down conversations about ethics because you get upset about them, maybe surrogacy isn't as nice and fluffy as people want to pretend it is.

OhHolyJesus · 23/08/2023 09:15

I have sent you a DM @C0NNIE Flowers

C0NNIE · 23/08/2023 08:28

I have personal experiences of this but @highsexdriveonhol didn’t seem to want to know about them. I wonder why ?

OhHolyJesus · 23/08/2023 08:21

but I wonder if people simply dismiss the risks around carrying a child that is not biologically connected to you and the elevated risks associated with it.

Exactly Hellabore

Emma recognised the risks at least and did say at one point "what if I died". (She had her mother but her son's father didn't appear to be involved.) so the thought crossed her mind but the risks and the situation were compared to the baby being the client and the risks being a bit like how you might have risks in your job as a fire fighter or police officer, and to be fair, we have seen similar on surrogacy threads before.

Both Caitlin and Emma were especially vulnerable and I thought it was really sad when Caitlin's boyfriend broke up with her but I do get his point of view. Kate's reaction was understandably one of worry but it was for the baby, not Caitlin, although combined it was about the baby being affected from the stress and Caitlin had herself and two kids to explain the sudden absence to.

It was a fascinating documentary and I recommend it to anyone - it's on iPlayer.

Helleofabore · 23/08/2023 07:42

OhHolyJesus · 23/08/2023 07:23

@user1471598758

Were you a surrogate mother or a commissioning parent?

Admittedly i read this before watching the series so may have been biased, but after watching I thought a lot about Emma and Caitlin. I thought Emma was especially vulnerable as an unemployed, lonely, single mum in a tiny flat with suicidal thoughts and these two men seem to 'rescue' her.

stopsurrogacynowuk.org/2021/05/31/surrogacy-in-the-media-a-review-of-bbc-threes-the-surrogates-long-read/

Thank you for posting this link ohholy

I just read Caitlin’s story and it really showed the issues clearly. Caitlin seemed to have the emotional need to feel good about herself tangled up in there. And lost her relationship. A single mother choosing to do this, what the fuck would happen to her children if anything went wrong?

I can understand if you are desperate for money to feed your children, but I wonder if people simply dismiss the risks around carrying a child that is not biologically connected to you and the elevated risks associated with it.

Scirocco · 23/08/2023 07:40

Thank you, @Helleofabore and @OhHolyJesus