Has anyone had a baby via surrogacy?

The mother who carries that child throughout pregnancy isn't an inert incubator. Removal at birth is a traumatic event for the baby. It is cruel to inflict unnecessary trauma on a newborn.

People always come out with the old chestnut 'what about the child? They will suffer because they'll know they were born through surrogacy.' WTF? No they won't!

Are people seriously suggesting that every child NOT born through surrogacy has a lovely trouble free life with no woes or unhappiness, and never ends up with problems in life??! And the birth mother who carried said child (and the father!) will be just so perfect, never neglect the child, never shout at them, never get angry with them, never criticize them, always be soooo perfect?!

Do people also say the same about adopted children? Should we stop that too? What about the poor birth mother who has had to give away her child? What about the future of the child? How will she/he feel when they discover they were given away?

Surrogacy is no different to adopting. In fact it's better in many ways because it often uses the egg and sperm of the people who become the legal parents... Ya know - the biological parents! How and WHY is anyone going to be emotionally fucked up - or upset when they find their parents used a surrogate to carry their foetus? Most people won't give a flying fuck, seriously!

My friend put a down-payment on a foal a couple of months ago but she's not allowed to take possession until Christmas, for the sake of the horse. Makes you think.

@Soontobe60 serious harm to whom?

The child? Absolutely zero evidence of this! Please find and link evidence that surrogacy does any harm to a child. All 'evidence' I have come across is based on adopted children with complicated attachment disorders.

The surrogate? Provided the surrogate is going into it fully informed and consensually then she isn't being abused. There is risk involved in any pregnancy and if the surrogate knows, understands and accepts the risk then frankly it's her body with which she can do as she pleases.

@HarrietJet hadn't got that far

Of course - completely different situations. Additional stress of a risky pregnancy through surrogacy in the family would no doubt make things worse, even if it gave them hope, there would be lots to consider about the future.

(I heard of one child who was born through surrogacy and she is a now a young carer for her legal mother, though that wasn't why she was conceived.)

A miscarriage wouldn't prevent a woman from being approved by an agency but the mental health aspect should surely be a key concern as has been noted by a PP.

There was a woman who had a stillbirth and went on to have a baby for a couple, but they met on Facebook and didn't go through an agency - but still, there should be checks in place, her grief was clearly tied into her decision. It must have been so traumatic to give up a baby having lost one so recently.

This ^

Organ donation is quite different in at least a couple of significant ways

• the donated organ just stays in the new body and performs the same bodily functions as before and never acheives autonomy or consciousness

• fertilised eggs/sperm/embryos can ultimately grow into entire new human beings with feelings, thoughts, desires, roles and relationships in a way that a kidney or lung could never do

Happy 3 and 5 year olds don’t necessarily turn into happy teens or adults.
Parenting a teen is hard enough - I can imagine how difficult it could be with a teen born through surrogacy. It’s already such a difficult time. I think people are so consumed with wanting a baby, but the reality is that you are responsible for bringing a new person (eventually adult) in to world and have that responsibility forever.
I’ve had adopted friends go through the heartache of finding their biological parents and either being unprepared for the emotion of it (how could you be prepared) or being rejected by a parent.
Children born through surrogacy must go through the same surely?

I used to be pro surrogacy. I know of an altruistic surrogacy arrangement which seems as lovely as is possible - mother still very much in the child's life etc.

But I have also learnt a lot about early childhood, babies' in utero experiences and trauma.

Quite apart from the (usually exploited) women, surrogacy quite literally knowingly commissions a traumatic event in a baby's life eg removing it from its mother, the only thing it has known and it's first attachment.

You can't expect people not to mention that, I'm sorry. Surrogacy only exists because we live in a misogynist world which does not confer equal rights to women and children! You simply cannot expect a women's forum not to speak up about this. It would be like talking about considering fox hunting on an RSPCA forum and saying people were stupid for mentioning the cruelty.

@OhHolyJesus I have had a miscarriage of my own many years ago which whilst horrific, imo isn't worse than the feeling of potentially losing my SIL. Not arguing, just being honest

I wondered if you made attempts and struggled with the pressure of delivering on a 'promise' or miscarried, which would have been far worse. Thanks for clarifying. I'm sorry for your SIL.

@OhHolyJesus My SIL got really sick so they have had to rethink starting a family and probably won't ever do it now

My friend used surrogacy and the surrogate mother had a horrendous birth that resulted in emergency surgery. You'd have to accept the risk of that. Could you live with it for the rest of your life? It's something you'd carry with you every day.

Also lots of extra health risks in surrogate pregnancies including 4 times more likely to get pre-eclampsia which can be life threatening.

Finally there seems to be a very low bar in the vetting process in the uk so you might struggle to find someone suitable. I know someone who is going to be a surrogate mother and she loves a drink, morbidly obese, a smoker and had a mental breakdown a couple of years ago. And yes she's been approved by the agency and she's going ahead with it. The risks to mother and child are going to be huge, i still can't believe she's allowed to do it.

Would it have been genetically your baby?

Why didn't it work out @bladebladebla1 ?

@Hoppinggreen not always "buying" a human. I offered to do for my brother and no money would have been changing hands. I did so out of love. Unfortunately it didn't work out for us but he would certainly not have been "buying a baby" from me

I haven't but a good friend has. Their little boy is now 5. My friend and her husband have a close friendship with the surrogate and her family.

The DC in question is a very happy little boy. They are a lovely little family unit and he wants for nothing.

I also have a friend who is going through the process to become a surrogate for a childless couple.

FFS she’s not asking for your opinion. She has already done research and understands both sides to surrogacy. She’s asking for real experiences, not a page worth of vitriol against it. FFS just read what she’s asking for. If you can’t give that F off.

there are people out there with feelings and your words hurt and can do serious harm

Those people include the babies too right?
Babies rather inconveniently grow up to be children then adults and are influenced k various ways by harm done to them in childhood.

They too could be harmed, or not, you'd have to research it to know for sure - for research starting points I would direct anyone to The Donor Conception Network, We Are Donor Conceived and books and studies on 'genealogical bewilderment' (it's tragic and fascinating and relevant to surrogacy, adoption or any situation where child keen grow without their birth or genetic parents) or simply watch Long Lost Families, or Our Father or Three Identical Strangers for the mainstream, popularised version.

Do people like you not realise your opinion matters not a jot to OP and won't change her mind. Absolute waste of battery life typing it

And this sums up why it’s so wrong. Exploiting some poor woman in Georgia, who was desperate for the money. Who knows her take on the experience (I suspect no one’s asked). Maybe long term physical or emotional issues as a result. Glad Georgia has now banned the process.

Surrogacy within close family - maybe? But unconvinced personally.

An example of just because we can, doesn’t mean we should.

This. I wish it was more easily considered in the UK

For those of you who disagree with surrogacy because it’s akin to buying a human, do you also disagree with (voluntary) live organ donation?

False equivalency. Are you talking about a person who is medically assisted to grow an "extra" organ (say a second heart), and then have it removed? That would be equivalent.