To expect 19 year old not to be out until the crack of dawn all the time

That's a low bar. I expect my young adult Dc to let me know if they're staying out all night and a rough time if when they will be in. That's just polite when you're living with other people.

This would worry me. It's jumped from one extreme to the other. I'd have a chat and say you are really glad he has a job and a social life but staying up all night every night suggests heaving drinking, gaming or drugs which aren't the best start to adult life and if he's getting into a habit of any of these, he deserves more and to have higher aspirations for himself.

Also, he must show respect while living at home, and text you to say he won't be back and an address where he's staying. That's not treating him like a child. I'd expect DH to give me an address if he was away from home, in case of emergencies.

It's also okay to have a kitchen rule. I often came down to greasy pans from 2 am fry ups by ds1 who also keeps night hours and it is so depressing, so now I say the person who starts the day at 6.30 am needs to come down to a clean kitchen. Most of the time he remembers.

I also have young adults
I’d expect to be messaged if they weren’t coming home or at least told beforehand they ‘may not’ come home.
Also want to know if they’re back for dinner - if not they get leftovers or have to make their own.
I thunk the above is politeness as I may change what I’m cooking depending on who is home.
Re jobs, i expect a certain level of clearing up/cleanliness/to do a chore if I ask but rotas never worked here as someone would be out/swap, then it wasn’t fair etc.

He's 19, it's summer, he works late and socialises afterwards.

Maybe he met a girl and ended up staying at hers. That really isn't your business.

Kindly, I think you need to assume he will be out and that he will prepare his own food unless he says otherwise. You've done well to get him back out there working and socialising but now it's time to let go and just keep an eye from a distance.

19s a bit late to be introducing jobs.

as others have said if you don’t want to cook for him / clean etc don’t.

ours have had responsibility for their own clothes / rooms for years and we’ve had a cooling rota since they where about 15 so when home we all take it in turns to cook tea.

both now at uni so not home much and when they are they it’s up to them. Daughters 22
ans 21.

This. You and DS need to have a discussion / agreement about how to live together as two adults, rather than parent and child. Eg, you don’t do anything for him round the house, but equally he can do as he wishes with his time as long as it isn’t disturbing you. I have no idea why youre offering him lifts, or telling him when you’ll be back if you go out. And having a few drinks when you finish work that late is normal, I used to do it all the time.

You need to see him like a housemate and not a son (difficult I know!). Our basic ground rules are a) let us know if out overnight (so can close gates/set house alarm etc) and b) keep their own space sanitary

If housekeeping is an issue this is something separate to the late night partying.

When I was 18, I was often out until dawn. My mum had ground rules for me which were

• text her to let know if I was coming home or not
• don't treat the place like a shithole and pick up after myself
• walk the dog daily
• do my own laundry
• pay for my own food or cook dinner for the both of us

I said to my late teen children when they were living at home not to do anything that made me look like a bad mother if they went missing and I had to do a TV appeal with the police. It appealed to their sense of the macabre!

I get this feeling OP- same here at first, it used to frighten me. It gets easier with time

Respectfully, he's an adult. Yes, he's an adult that lives in your house but still an adult. When I was that age I still lived at home and you wouldn't catch me dead telling my mum my plans, I was living in the moment.

Please try to accept his new found adult freedom, he will need you to.

He should be helping and not messing around meal times but you can't or shouldn't control when he is out or what time he gets back

If being noisy waking everyone up that is not on though

Don't put further rules in place. Sit down with your son and explain that it would be nice and basic manners to say if he isn't coming home. Tell him you worry but if you know he isn't coming home or late at least you know.

I don't think what you're asking is unreasonable actually.

I would set some ground rules and stick to them:
-As pp he needs to let you know by 11pm what his plans are and if he's out all night, he texts
-You'll be considerate of his sleep til 10am but then the house will run as normal
-they'll be food in the fridge for breakfast and lunch which he can make himself as long as he tidies up after
-if he wants dinner with you he needs to emerge and let you know by 3pm and must join you for food, otherwise he can help himself

Are you collecting rent from him? I know he has a low wage but I'd be taking a small portion of it for rent and then it's up to you if you put it on savings for him for when he moves out or put towards household bills

The thing you need to consider is what if he doesn't follow the rules? It's difficult to give consequences to an adult...

I think it's reasonable to expect him to tell you if he's going to be home or not. But that's about it. When I had one this age, we agreed that he would tell me roughly where he was and whether or not he intended to come home. If he was home and I was about to cook a meal, I'd ask if he wanted some, and he did the same. And I expected him to keep shared areas clean and tidy. A bit like friends flatsharing.

This is a good idea.

Agree leave him to it. Don't offer lifts/or cook food just do your own thing. You could ask to share location on snap maps or iPhone if he's happy to? So you can see where he is.

This is why it's healthier if by 19/20 people don't live with their parents anymore. I totally understand you worrying when he's not back, but his behaviour is 100 per cent normal at that age - if irritating to live with as a grown adult.
What kind of income does he have? Could he save to move into a house share?

I think as others have said it’s normal for a 19 year old. I would set a few rules for picking up after himself, doing own washing and give him a list of chores and when they must be completed by or pay a lot of board which ever he chooses.

If he comes home he comes home. If he doesn’t he doesn’t. Just leave him to it.
when he is home tell him he needs to clean up after himself and don’t worry about cooking him meals

Well yes coming in at all hours and destroying the kitchen is not on. I have to get up for work and need a functional space so I have and will speak to him about that.

This 💯