To not go to a hen do I can’t afford

Absolutely YANBU but make sure that the bride hears it from you, ideally in person, and just be honest with her. A genuine friend might be disappointed but will understand. Do not let her hear it from the MOH, who could put all kinds of spin on it.

If the bride’s friendship is dependent on you spending money you can’t afford then she’s not a friend, imo. It’s just a bloody OTT party and excuse for stupid behaviour. Don’t waste your money or your time.

Why would you be unreasonable for that? Seems sensible.

Thankfully I don’t live in a country where expensive hen parties are a thing and secondly, I wouldn’t pay for it if it was.

I’d send a message directly to your friend saying that you are really sorry but £300-400 isn’t doable right now but you’re gutted etc and you’d love to take her out for lunch nearer the time to make up for it. You don’t want to rely on MOH conveying the message!

Maybe they are "a nightmare to organize" for a reason, and scaling down would make most participants very happy.

Absolutely. These multi-hundreds/thousands affairs baffle me. My hen do was me and my best mate out on the lash and ended with me in A&E with a broken ankle but that was like 400 years ago.

I think if she's a good enough friend, she will understand.

I would say no, unless someone else can front you the deposit.

Treat her for lunch just the two of you, it'll be more meaningful than being one of a dozen.

It depends, if I'm understanding right it's not that your circumstances have changed, or that you can't fund the £300-400, it's just coming up with £75 at short notice that's the issue. In which case you've already paid up to 2/3rd of the total cost (and I assume won't be getting it back), then I personally would either
just say to MOH that you can't do it now and leave it up to her to sort, or put the £75 on a credit card, rather than losing the money you've already paid and potentially risking the friendship.

I know there's a sunken cost fallacy etc. but personally having already paid out that it would seem a shame to not go if you can and otherwise want to. It would be different if the total amount had increased, or your circumstances had altered significantly or you just didn't want to go.

I don't know why everyone is moaning about the hen being inconsiderate - as the MN fave saying goes, it's an invite not a summons. It's the hen's celebration, if she wants to do something nice for what will hopefully be a one-off celebration then she is absolutely allowed to do that rather than settling for a shit night down the local pub - with the caveat that she understands that some people might not want/be able to afford that so not everyone she invites will come. The fact that the majority of the invitees have paid up instantly suggests that they all both want and can afford the celebration - why should 9 people miss out on something they want to do just because one friend can't afford it? If you worked on that basis nobody would ever do any socialising.

And also to add to that, if I was the organiser and B2B started suggesting I - by default of not collecting a deposit from anyone- became personally liable for the whole stay for 10 people, then unless she was prepared to guarantee the full amount, I'd have to back out of being involved.

Look OP is struggling to pay the deposit, it's clear that the full weekend is going to be a financial stretch. This seems a really good point to say, you know what I would love to go but I simply can't afford it. Not I want to go and if only the organiser would cover my share - not sure if she knows OP - because I'll pay her in dribs and drabs when I can, and probably ends up dropping out because of cost later down the line anyway.

The problem is that you told the MOH you definitely wanted to go, so it's entirely possible that she's worked out costs on that basis and dropping out now will increase costs for others.

Yes, you did tell her you'd need flexibility paying, but that's really not her problem. These things are a nightmare to organise and I've been in the situation of endlessly chasing for payment while being significantly out of pocket for similar events. It's not fair to expect her to come up with bespoke payment plans for everyone that wants one!

Agree with others that you shouldn't go, but please let MOH know ASAP.

I'm sure you can do something cheaper and nicer with your friend, where you'll actually get to spend some quality time together without hordes of others.

Yeah but kind of sucks for the poor organiser who now has no firm financial commitment from the people who are meant to be attending and may be responsible for putting other people's share on her credit card.
Just because she can afford £400, doesn't mean she's an oligarch. In other threads when poor sods are charged with organising one of these shindigs, they're always recommended to get a deposit or the whole amount up front.

I agree.

The bride will be thinking -but £400 was fine to spend on the hen do of friend a b and c but not me??

That's what makes it awkward-you could afford the first 3 but not hers. (And then probably for friend e the year after)

This is why I organised my own hen do. I'd hated the idea of someone else organising some elaborate and expensive trip and asking my other friends for money.

Hen dos are getting ridiculous now and when you think the people going also have to stump up for a wedding outfit, attending the wedding and a wedding gift just a couple of months later it's just too much.

For my hen do we went to a tribute night in a hotel that included a meal. There was the option to stay over and we could also add a spa day on. Cost ranged from £29-£100 depending on what people wanted to do/could afford and it was local so minimal travel.

If the bride is a good friend she will understand and honestly she'll probably be heartbroken that you've been put in this situation.

And this is why I had a hen do that cost £15 a head (for canal boat hire)! But YANBU to say you've had an expensive year and much as you'd love to come you just can't afford it; offer to do something nice with bride-to-be instead? A 'Not but...' is always better than a 'No', especially if you can suggest a specific idea.

If you’ve managed to go to other hens of your friends in the same friend group I think she might take it personally you not going and be hurt, but I also think asking for money so soon rather than giving you a date in advance/ allowing people to pay when they have the money is unreasonable. I’d speak to the bride and if you want to/can go I’d let her know you want to be there but can only pay towards it on your payday, I’m sure that would be more convenient for the other people attending the hen too.

YANBU. I never understood people getting in a financial pickle over hen do's. If you can afford it, great. If you can't, politely decline and take the bride out for dinner another night. Depending on the location, you might also be able to just join in with the group meal on one of the nights.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it! A good friend will understand.

The problem isn't the cost of the hen do per se - it's the way it's organised. For any other party it would be extremely bad manners to make people pay to attend.
But for a hen-do... the MOH is supposed to organise it without telling the bride, and it becomes very dictatorial.

As a bride-to-be my hen do with the bridal party was jointly discussed and agreed, budget and location (an European city). They planned most of the itinerary. I had a low key pub 'dinner and drinks' for other friends, most of whom had various financial situations.

Looking on bride forums I seem to be in the minority. People seem to have zero consideration for those who are supposedly their 'friends', organising expensive bashes and expecting people to attend. A lot of awkwardness also arises because of the secrecy, the MOH might not know the guests unlike the bride, so nobody can communicate.

If enough people said no then surely hen parties like this wouldn't keep happening?

To me £400+ is a ridiculous amount for a weekend away!

I think that you are very unlucky to have three friends who all wanted/want to have such hen dos!

I think hen parties are getting way out of hand! I specifically asked me MOH to make sure what they planned wasn’t too expensive and also had activities people could opt in or out of if they needed to make it cheaper but wanted to come. One of my close friends couldn’t make it as they were buying a house so we just went for dinner instead! Really didn’t mind.

If you’re having an expensive hen do you just have to accept not everyone will be able to come.

Yep, this.

It's all just so presumptuous and absurd. Some people don't have an extra 400 to spend on themselves in a year let alone someone else's perfectly routine, ordinary nuptials. The wedding celebration is plenty.

No decent person burdens friends and family with hens, stags, showers, teas, brunches and all of these other ancillary expenses that are far out of the ordinary.

Want a pre-wedding tea or pub crawl with all of your besties? Host it yourself and pay for it.

I would message the bride directly and explain you’re really sorry but you simply can’t afford her hen and committing to it will cause you stress and you really hopes she understands.

Much better to be honest now if you can’t go. It’s far more annoying if you pull out later once they’ve planned accommodation. But maybe talk to the bride privately. I paid for one of my friends to come on my hen