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AIBU?

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Original poster

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/08/2023 09:01

boboshmobo · 08/08/2023 22:01

Are you slow because I'm very fit and walk fast and slow people drive me nuts.

Or he could be an arsehole 🤷‍♀️

I don't think he's the only one. What a pathetic post. Medal for your fitness in the post.

Hibiscrubbed · 09/08/2023 08:34

Depressing how many posters are so determined to berate an OP and find fault with her (based largely on their own conjecture) that they will determinedly and repeatedly side with a really shit and horrible man.

Speaks volumes about them. None of it good.

Poodleydoodley · 09/08/2023 08:17

Gosh this! I went on a weekend away with a chap I liked. We went walking in the lakes. He charged ahead continuously. Would then wait (eventually) for me to catch up and then immediately zoom off again. He couldn’t understand why I was annoyed to spend pretty much the whole walk on my own!
He was fine the rest of the time but couldn’t grasp the idea of not charging off up hills!

Newbie999 · 09/08/2023 07:20

I understand how you feel. My husband always powers on in front of me. He says I am slow but he does stop and turn around till I come up to him. I don’t get upset - just a bit irritated. He’s a good man in many other respects so I go with the flow.

Inbetweenie993 · 09/08/2023 01:47

My husband did this to me MANY times, even hiking up a mountain with my brother & his girlfriend. Brother (older) fell, and DH not even in shouting distance!

Should have realised when on honeymoon he did not even sit next to me at a spectacular concert as the seat he found had a better view!

Now EX husband..... just took me too long to realise he was a narcissist.

Shame he ruined special moment. I really hope he has other redeeming qualities. 💗

myNewName21 · 09/08/2023 00:06

@LongDarkTeatime

Yep, done lots of dog training in the past, that’s why it so funny ( to me at least), don’t mix with that family group anymore.
( but I used used to read a lot of Douglas Adams)

LongDarkTeatime · 08/08/2023 23:57

myNewName21 · 08/08/2023 23:38

I was in family group when someone did this, it kicked off such a row it was awful awfully funny
Treating your family members like you are training a dog is going to guarantee one thing , no more family outings ( which could be a good thing)

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Sorry to hear that.
With human animals it tends to be a bit more nuanced than with pets.
Have a Google of operant conditioning.

myNewName21 · 08/08/2023 23:38

LongDarkTeatime · 08/08/2023 22:43

This 👆🏼
This is how you train dogs to walk to heel. It works on family members too 😁

Show quote history

I was in family group when someone did this, it kicked off such a row it was awful awfully funny
Treating your family members like you are training a dog is going to guarantee one thing , no more family outings ( which could be a good thing)

eastegg · 08/08/2023 23:07

Namddf · 08/08/2023 22:10

What about people who seem to deliberately lurk behind?

I’d be interested to know what this says about their personality (genuinely).

I think it’s just as rude btw.

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The thread isn’t about people who deliberately lurk behind. Why don’t you start your own thread if you want to talk about that? Unless you think the OP was deliberately lurking behind? Which, when you think about it, would be unbelievably weird. Deliberately walking slowly then writing the OP in the way she has, in which she says she’s a fast walker who tries to keep up.

LongDarkTeatime · 08/08/2023 22:43

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 07/08/2023 02:12

Just stop at a bench or where you can lean on something and wait. Don't start moving again until they come back and walk WITH you. Every time they walk away, stop again. Or, walk in another direction, but make sure you have the tickets, money etc.

Warn them in advance that unless they walk WITH you, this will happen.

This 👆🏼
This is how you train dogs to walk to heel. It works on family members too 😁

Cheersforfears · 08/08/2023 22:42

DH used to do this, until I started turning back or going somewhere else and leaving him on his own. Apparently he got the hint, because he doesn't do it any more.

3luckystars · 08/08/2023 22:41

Here is what I think anyway, it’s not about walking speeds or holidays, it’s about being ignored and being left behind by people who mean so much to you.

you would never be so rude to them and that’s why it hurts

He is mean and ignores you. You know it. This proves it. Now your children are mimicking him. No wonder you are upset.

I’m sorry he did this to you so unnecessary, it was a small ask and he won’t even admit what he did was cruel. That’s the worst bit.

it’s really happening, your feelings are real and justified.

Namddf · 08/08/2023 22:10

Elly46 · 08/08/2023 20:09

The first thing that sprung to mind was NPD. I’ve read up a lot on this. Apparently people who have NPD walk ahead to consciously or unconsciously show they’re more important as are their needs and it also gives them more opportunity to seek out the ‘feed’ they so desperately crave from others/outsiders. I’m not saying this is the case only that it is a trait of NPD. It’s rude and upsetting either way

What about people who seem to deliberately lurk behind?

I’d be interested to know what this says about their personality (genuinely).

I think it’s just as rude btw.

Namddf · 08/08/2023 22:07

yogasaurus · 07/08/2023 05:48

I agree actually. I’m naturally a fast walker, I make the effort to slow down, but then the other person seems to slow down even further. I hate dawdling.

Maybe just different people. Compromise is the answer, not one always matching the other.

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I agree. I’m a fairly fast walker (not excessive) and I hate it when people are dawdling behind me. And I definitely experience the same thing if I slow down - they just walk even slower! It’s like they want to be behind me? So irritating.

In this case the fact that the rest of the family was also ahead makes me think you might just be a slow walker, and he finds this exasperating?

That’s not to say he shouldn’t have waited on this occasion. I would never walk ahead if we were seeing a landmark as a family.

boboshmobo · 08/08/2023 22:01

Are you slow because I'm very fit and walk fast and slow people drive me nuts.

Or he could be an arsehole 🤷‍♀️

Elle2018 · 08/08/2023 21:53

OP have you told him specifically why you wanted him to wait on this occasion? Have you told him how you feel about him walking ahead in general?

eastegg · 08/08/2023 21:49

I especially love ‘crack on, see it, then get on with your day’. It was one of the wonders of the world FFS!! Gotta be a wind up. Assigned’s post that is.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2023 21:47

Jubelle · 08/08/2023 21:29

My ex husband who turned out to be a terrible covert narcissist always did this. It's horrible and definitely nothing to do with ADHD as I have this and would never do this to my friends/ partner. If you have told him it upsets you and he doesn't care, it's not a good sign

Definitely nothing to do with ADHD. ADHD if anything would make you stop and smell the roses and never get there!

eastegg · 08/08/2023 21:43

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 07/08/2023 06:56

But why should the pace be set by the person who walks like a snail? Why can the fucking irritating person who walks v slowly not move a tad quicker to save everyone else from pootling along?? The op said the activity was to see something - why can't you just crack on, see it, then get on with your day? It is entirely possible that the slow walker is the rude one, holding up everyone else.

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Is this post for real? Jeez 🙄

Jubelle · 08/08/2023 21:29

My ex husband who turned out to be a terrible covert narcissist always did this. It's horrible and definitely nothing to do with ADHD as I have this and would never do this to my friends/ partner. If you have told him it upsets you and he doesn't care, it's not a good sign

Ilovecleaning · 08/08/2023 21:05

Your DH is a total twat. LTB.

Isaidnomorecrisps · 08/08/2023 20:31

Don’t listen to the naysayers. ExH was 6 ft and never walked with me. Never held hand. Not sure why he even needed me tbh!
Partner of 5 years, also 6 ft, walks alongside me, we hold hands, he waits. I’m a lot shorter and it doesn’t seem like a problem. Must ask him how he does it!
Anyway I feel for you because you can tell how this has gone on forever and you’re basically belittled. X

Lovely13 · 08/08/2023 20:24

Ex did the opposite of this. Deliberately walking a couple of paces behind me. Felt like the queen! No matter how slowly I walked, he would lurk behind. This was towards end of relationship. Guess he couldn’t stand being anywhere near me 😳

pollymere · 08/08/2023 20:22

My husband was brought up in a culture where the wives do walk behind the husband. He tends to walk a great deal faster than I do too. It's taken lots of teasing about me not coming from his culture etc for him to slow down. Holding his hand helps with pace. I find just stopping when he does it so then he looks back and realises how far behind I am also helps. Mine is truly apologetic when he does it. If yours doesn't care, that's a whole different set of problems!

JudgeRudy · 08/08/2023 20:22

I think you're being a bit dramatic to be close to tears but yes, I can see that you're upset that you didn't get to share that one moment, however.....I don't necessarily think your wants trump his...or even theirs (kids). I'm a bit of a marcher, l also talk pretty fast too. You talk as if your husband should have just slowed down. Maybe if you'd said beforehand how important it was he might have made allowances....but i think you're ignoring his needs. For him part of the enjoyment might include rushing over. I think you're unreasonable to insist your husband snd boys enjoy things in the same way as you and get 'retrained'for your benefit. I do though see that you're disappointed....its just not his fault, or anyone's really. You're just different.
Perhaps in future try the 'just give me this' approach.